Respect is important--in any relationship--including marriage.
I see a LOT of discourse on this topic on the board, especially lately. It's enough that it may be getting in the way of real progress in DBing. Some people are suggesting to another DBer that 'x' (a wide variable of events) means their partner is disrespecting them.
The MAIN focus of DB--is changing our OWN behavior in order to change our spouses's behavior. Focusing on how our spouse has 'swronged us puts the focus in a place that won't help us get where we want to go, won't give us a SOLUTION. Respect is also an INTANGIBLE.
So--if you are feeling disrespected (and don't let anyone else tell you how to feel)...figure out the ACTIONS of your spouse that are making you feel that way. And then focus on changing your spouse's ACTIONS by changing your own. Be specific and POSITIVE. Say what you want your spouse TO DO (not what you want your spouse NOT to do).
If you need help search GOALS on this site--or read about it in DIVORCE REMEDY.
This needs a bump. VERY good point. A lot of the DB'ing principles walk a fine line and it is important to remember the differences. Some others I can think of:
Detachment vs. Not Caring Letting Go vs. Giving Up Understanding vs. Always Agreeing
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
'Always Agreeing' is not the same as validating. If you always agree, you'd look pretty silly if your spouse knows you don't agree, right? But you don't have to disagree--you can actively listen, work to better understand.
What are some other thoughts about what Country has mentioned?
I think it is extremely important for people to differentiate between disrespect (they wronged me), and losing respect for someone (I cannot love someone I do not respect). Reacting to perceived disrespect, versus earning back respect by controlling yourself.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
I think it is extremely important for people to differentiate between disrespect (they wronged me), and losing respect for someone (I cannot love someone I do not respect). Reacting to perceived disrespect, versus earning back respect by controlling yourself.
Great, spellfire. This is one very issue I'm trying to get a handle on right now. Care to elaborate for the benefit of a "lost" one?
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." - Maria Robinson
M: 45 WAW: 36 T: 17 M: 14 Kids: D9 ILYBNILWY: 6/2010 W left: 2/2011 W back: 2/2012
agreed spellfire. W said she did not respect me - she meant that she wasn't attracted to me and was turned off by how I was behaving. If she had been a bit more kind she would have made me take a good look in a mirror and said "that's not the man I married".....
