Standing up to the punches

[ironMan]

mykarma .... I feel exactly what you describe. I felt proud to provide for my family and to give my W and my D a wonderful life.

I also notice that your W was wounded and you were the rescuer.

I promised myself something yesterday .... I am no one's rescuer from now on. My parents allowed me to fail when it wasn't catastrophic, when I was a kid.

My W's Mom told her what to do and how to do it ... and then made sure she did it. She went from that person telling her what to do to me telling her what to do.


Seems like you found pretty much the same.

Well, live and learn my friend. So, where do we go from here?

[spellfire]

Journalling...

So I've been trying to figure out a way to keep our home rather than selling it. So we finally worked out the details. I just needed to find out few details on the loan. Meanwhile daughter has started her kindergarten. I cannot believe that the day has come and gone like that. I planned so much for the day when we would put our lil angel in kindergarten. I would take the day off, take lots of photos and videos and after she finished the day, we would take her out to chuck-e-cheese and celebrate!... And now this...

If you can keep your house and afford it under the circumstances, that is a huge boost in your "attractiveness factor".

All the time when i saw, hear or come across people facing big life issues (death, disease etc), I prayed and hoped that i would not be on that boat. Now that i am, sometimes it still feels like a lucid dream. That, from which i'll wake up one day.

I hear you on this man, but do try to remind yourself constantly that things can always be worse. Would you trade your situation for that of someone who has suffered the loss of family, or for compromised health? I see the news about Japan and I just feel so grateful for the safety of my family. I am not trying to minimize your suffering (I know it really feels bad), but if you can really get your head around it, it might help you to feel less down about things.

Just the hard thing i've been having from 2 days is my purpose now. Somehow i always needed a purpose. Before it was my family, my daughter, her future etc. These were my purposes. Now i don't know what to do with my day. Why am i doing what i am doing. For what?? Everywhere i go, i feel like a failure. One who has failed in life, failed in keeping his family together. It hurts a lot in my community because indians rarely get divorced.

You have made the nice guy mistake of tying your value as a person to your family. Some men do the same with their career, then when it falls apart they feel like they can't go on. The challenge is in learning to find yourself inherently valuable, and not needing to depend on perceived success or failure to feel that way.

Unfortunately our partners are highly tuned to detect such dependency, and it is a big turn-off. It is even worse if you express it verbally on a regular basis.

[Redo]

Ironman, In my case since i knew that i came with childhood issues and saw that my wife's parents seemed more level headed than mine, I automatically assumed that whatever my wife said about my family must be true. After all she came with a more stable childhood than I. But now i see that basically i set zero boundaries with my wife. And when she broke them, all of them affected me and i went down...I should have set boundaries before it came to this. Now i realize how important good boundaries are.

SF as usual, thanks for your feedback. Yup, everytime i feel down, i try to think of people who are in much worse situation than I am. I should be tankful to god for all the good things in my life. Yes, I did let my family life define me as a person. I guess it is because i was 23 when married and still in grad-school. I never experienced life by myself. Wife on the other hand was more mature, lived and experienced dorm life.

Now that i am single, i dont know how to live it

[Still learning]

mykarma - I sympathize. I got married at 24 when I was in grad school. I was assimilated right into my Ws big, crazy, wonderful family. And, as spellfire said, I attached my value as a person to my family - identifying myself as a H and and father. (Besides, grad school isn't really good for building internal confidence anyway!) Later on I realized that all of this was dependent on my W and could be taken away, leaving behind.....what? It's been a tough lesson!

[Still learning]

meant to add.....we really DO have value as a person independent of our spouses. It's been HARD but good for me to learn. Friends I thought I'd lost touch with were glad to hear from me when I contacted them. I've tried some things I always wanted to try. And my confidence is better. It takes time, but it feels good to accomplish it. My W noticed.

[Redo]

StillLearning, yup we need to have our own identities. I never gave that much thought. I am now. I have to see where it takes me. It is both exciting and scary at the same time for me.

[Harrier]

StillLearning, yup we need to have our own identities. I never gave that much thought. I am now. I have to see where it takes me. It is both exciting and scary at the same time for me.

SL and Karma.

I think this is a great lesson. And its certainly isn't too late.
Fortunately this is something I learned early on. I am an identical twin and no one outside my family allowed be to have my own identity (and sometimes within our family as we were always grouped as if we were one person). It took a lot of work to establish my own identity.

I think we all have the tools to accomplish this.

[Redo]

And its certainly isn't too late. And thats the problem i am having. See i wish i knew all this wisdom within say the first 3-4 years of our marriage

Now i feel like "whats the point?"

Sometimes i do imagine myself moving on with some one else. But my engineering minds calculates all these variables and i finally come to the conclusion that i'll not be happy with the new person because i'll keep thinking about this one.

But given the current situation, sometimes i just want the D to be over so i can move on with someone else...

Oh man, no wonder i am having headaches nowadays...

[Harrier]

I think most of us wish we had some of this wisdom early on. But you know there is a point. You are still fairly young.

I think it's good that you can't see yourself with someone else right now. If the D happens for you and DB has served you well. I think at some point you will be ready to find happiness with a new person.

But even if you were staying with your W, she will be eventually be a new person. I mean I am not the same person I was at 25. My W isn't the same person. I love the new W as much as the old W. Although the change was gradual, so I could adjust easier.

I think you won't be able to imagine happiness with a new person....until it happens. If that make sense.

[Still learning]

mykarma, yep, I wish I'd learned this earlier too! Early in my M or even before. I guess we learn it when we HAVE to....which would be now for me.

Harrier - I bet this helped you stay strong and focused as you put your M back together.

I once described it to someone by drawing a picture, shading in all the space AROUND an outline of me, which was empty. Erase the stuff around "me" and I sort of disappeared. That's how I felt a couple of years ago.

I've made little steps. Back then the thought of losing my M brought me pure panic, like my core just shut down. Now I can at least stay upright and think my way through situations. My W seems to sense the difference - I'm not depending on her for reassurance, nor am I as afraid of confrontations. It's a REALLY good feeling.....at least I figured it out now, even if I'm a slow learner! Makes me want to keep building in this. My karma, you're five years ahead of me on this.

By the way I have 3 sons and you can BET they'll understand this before they leave home so they don't have to go through this like I (we) do......