My D-Day occurred a little less than 4 weeks ago, so I'm still a baby in these dark woods compared to a lot of others here. What really strikes me is the similarity between so many other stories and my own:
2nd marriage for both of us, married 10 years this December, endured the typical marriage problems but nothing (so I thought) we couldn't work through - although W's oldest son / my stepson (21) is severely autistic and that certainly added unique stresses and problems. But the last 8 months were better than ever; got along well, did a lot of things together, great sex...seemed like we were on the high road.
Mid-November she reconnected with...
...wait for it...
...wait for it...
...now everyone say it with me...
"An Old High-School Friend on Facebook!!!" How many times have we read that? Fortunately he lives 1500 miles away, so I really didn't give it a 2nd thought; was very happy she found an old friend (who we will lovingly refer to as the OF for now).
Weeks go by; lots of Skype sessions late into the night. Texting increases and seems to become more secretive. W decided to fly out in February (over Valentine's Day, of all dates) to visit OF but her sister would also join them; seems they were all good buddies in high school. I'm getting antsy, but I reluctantly go along with it. Off she goes.
W arrives in OF's home state and Surprise! sister can't show up after all. Am I coming unglued? Oh yes indeed, I am. But all I can do is wait for her return.
W returns, seems very happy to see me and to be home, and is very affectionate so I gear down a little. But that little voice in my head - the one we all have heard at one time or another - is telling me something is amiss. A few evenings after W's return she has gone to bed and left her phone on our desk. I do what any nervous paranoid spouse would do: check the texts and usage. Hundreds of texts sent over the last few months, some still in the log saying,"I love you." "I miss you." "Can't wait to see you again, baby."
We have the confrontation, and I get the ILYBINILWY line, followed by the "I've never really loved you at all" line. Yes, she is in love with the OF, who has now graduated to the OM. She swears up and down it was an EA, not a PA. Why should I believe her? She's been lying to me about our marriage and her feelings for almost 10 years. The first week I was a mess and did all the typical wrong things: begged, pleaded, cried, cajoled, criticized...and lost about 8 pounds.
I dove into the Internet and read everything I could on EAs, PAs, loveless marriages, divorce, reconciliation and found this huge community of others who are going through the same crap. Found out abut the WAW / WAS syndrome, doing 180s, going dim, going dark...all worth its weight in gold. After about 10 days of pathetic self-pity, I got back into lifting weights, walking / running, rediscovering my love of God and his Grace, taking care of MYself, reconnecting with my old (male) friends and started to Get A Life.
And I'll be damned...I started to feel OK! I began to feel empowered, not emasculated; independent, not co-dependent; and confident, not weak. I'm still dealing with the bouts of anger and sadness, but in a more healthy way FOR ME and it does seem to have changed the balance of power in the home. So for now, she is still here. She has not clue #1 as to what she wants,whether she wants to stay, go, fish or cut bait. I have completely backed away from discussing the EA, OM or anything related to that. I'm staying upbeat, even if I feel like banging my head against the wall. Conversations are cordial if superficial, but for now it's all I can hope for.
So thanks to all of you for sharing your own tales of woe and intrigue on this forum. It has been the single greatest resource of inspiration and hope for me. Even if she steps into the role of WAW and I am the LBS, I will keep on keepin' on.
Oh yeah...got my motorcycle license, too. Guess what I'm going to reward myself with?
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
