Standing for my live-in MLC'er/WAS

[angel61]

I passed through a down period yesterday. I haven't really cried much for the past couple oif weeks, yesterday I found myself with tears rolling down my face.

A friend of mine who is in a rough M advised me to try to live only for the day and not look to far into the future to avoid the down feeling. Its true, when I think of the future, instead of visions I used to have of dreams like owning a vineyard together, or traveling to places we have not been to, is replaced by a yawning black hole. Even when I am not thinking of it I feel it.

As a stander, I should be filling up my armamentarium of weapons to combat loneliness and sadness. (what is more horrible than feeling lonely even when your H is beside you? That is how I feel when I am with my checked out H).

On impulse, I called H yesterday and caught him just as he was deplaning - so he sounded a little irritable. When he called me back in the evening, he asked why I called him, and all I said was "oh, I was bored and felt like talking to you...." cause I am tired of having to explain why I needed to call. Don't know how that came across, but I am finally (I think) starting to let go of doing things /not doing things because I am scared/worried what his reaction would be.

Hopefully my DB'ing for a long time now has taken hold and my chnages are more permanent. I need some time to sit down with myself though to evaluate my changes - Until I see them listed down and enumerated I think I won't be convinced that they are real.