I used to look upon my role at work as similar to leading a squad, now I am incorporating techniques from DR, the books I am reading and this board. Even if my D doesn’t bust I am becoming a better manager.
Journaling: I spoke with our daughter for a little while last night. She and W met for dinner last night. W knows the house will be sold. During the conversation D brought up some of the changes she will have to make in her life when the house sells. W excused herself to the bathroom, returned later and told our D she was sorry this sitch was causing her problems. This sitch, not her decision, or her part in the problems leading to her decision.
W has very rarely, meaning I cannot recall a single instance apologized without placing a qualifier in the apology. Sincerely apologizing is a learned skill. IMO this is another sign of dysfunction in her childhood.
Our D said W excused herself to the bathroom several times and avoided topics during dinner when they began to cause negative emotions.
Our DIL wants several items she left at our house after Christmas. DIL and W talk twice a week. DIL and W are communicating through our D to me to ask if I will ship them, or give W access to them. This is so childishly tiresome.
I told our D to just get the items to me and I’d get them shipped. I don’t want to play post office over the contents of two dresser drawers. I don’t think of this a being a doormat. I am gun decking the problem to kill the drama. Doing so takes away W ability to create drama over something trivial.
This morning I woke with an odd feeling of peace. The behavior modifications are beginning to take hold. I have participated in behavior modification before and I have been waiting to this realization to occur. I need to set a few more short term goals for myself.
When praying at the beginning of this journey I was requesting a rapid resolution. Now I find myself thanking my deity for another opportunity to improve myself, helping me maintain bearing, requesting strength to carry on, safety and healing for W.
I am looking for another reading suggestion specific to LC/MLC. Suggestions??? I am considering a book about walking on eggshells. SWOE. Opinions? It deals more with people suffering from BPD which seems to apply more to my MIL than W.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Journaling: Thursday I received a txt from W that the telephone and internet account she setup when we moved into the house 19 yrs ago would be canceled by 5:00 PM. I did not reply as I did not see a need to do so. I had previously spoken with the provider that my account would begin when W canceled hers. She was two days late canceling, and because of some miscommunication I spent most of this weekend without internet connectivity.
Saturday I worked outside the house cleaning up winter debris and pruning back a few tree limbs. There is a lot of work to be accomplished. I took the dog for a long walk in the park. He met an American Samoan and two Chows.
I posted some pictures and status updates on FB when the connection was finally restored. FB seems so superficial. Most of my friends are from W’s family and I’d much rather pick up the phone and have a conversation. I know some people stay camped on FB waiting. I have a life here in the real and it is a lot more interesting!
Sunday I woke with an epiphany, I need to really forgive W for her part in this drama and all of the past. I know this sounds lame particularly to the vets here. It is something I have known intellectually, but never believed enough to commit to. The magnitude of accomplishing this is daunting. It is easy to say but it will take time to accomplish.
I know lot more happened this weekend than I have information to journal here. W was to attend a baby shower in one of my cousins families. I am waiting on communication from my L about when this F2F meeting is supposed to take place.
I downloaded SWOE and have begun to read it. Some of it applies to me and I could see where I was becoming more and more of a “Nice Guy”. Interestingly I think my FIL is a “NG”. W has considered her F a victim of her M and their marriage. She advised him to D several years ago.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Posting in VS2D thread got me thinking again, dangerous I know.
I believe in my sitch the D is inevitable. W is committed to that goal with a single-mindedness I have experienced well. What works best for me is to come out the other side stronger. I need to make this journey to find out and so I will. This is my journey no one will make it for me, but there are others trekking beside me. Others who will encourage, motivate, kick my backside when they think it warranted and share the last of a canteen.
The question I ask myself is when I am healed, ready for another R and if she wants to come back, will I even be interested in the person she has become. Time will tell, in the mean time I need to get on with life.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Hi Stunned. You seem to be moving quite fast yourself compared to your W. Just thinking about having another, possible R this early into your sitch is too soon to contemplate. Forgiveness/trust/forgetting too, would be too soon, but in the end, forgiveness would be for you more than for her.
At this point, I would advise you just work on the here and now ... GAL, detaching, and doing what you need to do to protect yourself financially.
Just my thoughts.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Hello Being ME, thank you for your recent post. Responding to your post from 3/28 again. There is a possibility another family member may be able to assist me retaining the house. I am motivated to do so, but not to the extent I will risk others assets. Much of this depends on the structure of the disillusionment agreement.
The only R I am interested in is a new one with W. I have accepted the old one is done. I have accepted W is done. I need to be done, healed and improved myself before I will be fit for another R with someone new. I am not done. I am not healed. I am still working on me.
I am very much trying to get to a place in the here and now where I can gather strength for the coming months/years. I am very willing to work on a new R with W, but she needs to want to. She needs to address her issues and part in this sitch. I understand to heal she needs to address what caused her to run away from home. She ran away multiple times between 16 and 18 yrs old.
W is marching to the drum beat of her inner child. The conversations she has with family that gets back to me indicate she is still repeating her manta of being a victim, at the hands of her mother as a teenager and all through the years of our marriage. That she is finally whole and happy.
I am working on what I have identified as my part in this. As I work through me I am finding additional things that need to be addressed. This experience has called into question aspects of the stories I heard from W about her mother and the reasons she ran away from home. I am not the evil monster I am sometimes portrayed as. The stories change between family members. I suspect the changes depend on the feedback W receives, but this is speculation.
Two of my SILs younger than W have always disputed evidence of their mother’s abuse of W. The older SIL would only say she was not abused, but could see how W would perceive abuse. This is over years of W attempting to enlist their support vilifying her teenage experiences. She is my wife and I stood beside her through all of this, and her mother has serious problems lending credence to her claims.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Journaling: No contact with W. I have received an email from my L asking for dates to setup a F2F meeting. I have responded with three dates I can meet.
I shot leagues last night. I did better with the last 30 arrows than the first. Fewer people showed up, with the smaller group I found it easier to be social. My bow string is failing where it contacts my armguard, and the pro shop is ordering a new one for me. Until it is replaced the bow is not safe to shoot.
Our son called last night. We had a nice conversation. He and his wife will take two weeks leave before he deploys. They are not coming home. They will spend a week in Las Vegas and a week at their apartment. I am disappointed.
W informed them of her decision on Dec 21 when they came home for Christmas. They kept the secret all through Christmas and left on Jan 1. They do not want to come home to relive that drama or deal with any of the new.
Our son needs to be able to focus on the situation he finds himself in whatever that is when he arrives in country. Dealing with this trash back home will not aid him to compartmentalize. Compartmentalizing and focusing on the present situation will raises his awareness and keep him safer. I do worry. He’s not a grunt, but he’s still at risk.
I spent most of last night angry at W blaming her for this latest development. I could go visit him. I think that would remind him of this sitch. That would not help him detach.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Yes, probably best that your son not come home. He does have to focus on his job, and not deal with stuff that is actually not his business to deal with. I don't see a problem with your going to visit him, and be able to say good-bye when he leaves ... just don't bring up the R with his mother. Make it light, fun, father/son stuff.
As for your wife running away between 16 and 18 ... the age gives away a part of why she would do that. Teens can perceive abuse in the softest of places, and if they continue on with that mindset into adulthood, they will always play the victim, no matter the R. I am just coming up with reasonable ideas here.
Otherwise, who knows why anybody does anything. Just when you think you're getting to know someone, they up and leave you, or have an A. And come up with all these memories, that you don't recall. They were unhappy for years, yet managed to live with it without saying anything. When I was unhappy during my M, I said something ... not that anything would get done or resolved, but at least, I conveyed my message. Or, am I the crazy one, and remembering things wrong.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Journaling: I’m cycling on my own rollercoaster right now more downs than up, but I’ll flatten this ride out.
L called and we have a meeting with W and her L Monday afternoon. I have a lot of GAL to do this weekend to keep my mind busy. Hope the weather gets better.
People here have posted how well I seem to be doing. I’ll tell you it is sometimes a titanic struggle to keep a PMA.
W is still attempting to rush the D to conclusion every chance she gets. It is very discouraging to only see a couple of small baby steps in 3 months, and I know for some of us 3 months is nothing.
I have a coaching session scheduled later this afternoon. I really don’t know what I’ll get out of it, hopefully a better perspective.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
