Standing up to the punches

[Redo]

Thanks Country, Yup I really would like to get to that place.

I wanted to get off the grid for the weekend. So i took my parents out to final day of the SXSW festival. It was fun. I think in a long time, i felt alive with all the music.

Sunday, just watched lot of movies on netflix. Very therapeutic i tell you

I guess the whole 'dragging on' is what is killing me. The stupid divorce seems to be taking on forever. Meanwhile my wife is perfectly happy where she is. Daughter caught the flue this weekend and wife sounded tired and upset. She knew that if i were with her, i would have shared the load of taking care of daughter during the night. But she did not even complain. She just sounded like she is fine with things as they are.

If wife is happy where she is, then I just want the dam* divorce to be over so i can move on...

[2stepboogie]

guess the whole 'dragging on' is what is killing me.

When I was in AirBorne school they use to tell us not to look at the gound when we jumped out of an airplane. They would say "Look at the horizon the whole time. Do not look down. The ground will come I promise you, just look ahead and when it gets there it gets there"

The point of this was once you leave the airplane you know you only have control of one thing, yourself. 98% of the time the chute would open and 100% the ground would come. The difference on whether you walked off the drop zone or were carried was what you did in the air. You could panic and freeze you could look at the ground and possibly break your leg you could cry it really did not matter. The ground was coming.


She filed and appears to be in a rush to have it go through. OK. Don't rush it in your mind. Just keep taking your steps and keep living for you. Anything that happens different would be a nice surprise it does not change how you deal with it.

Meanwhile my wife is perfectly happy where she is.

I doubt that for a second. We think everything is going great with them, they are soooooooooo happy. Go read my thread, they are not. Smoke and mirrors. That is what most of it is.

[Redo]

Hi 2Step. Thanks for your tips man. Yea, logically i do understand what is going on and what i need to do. Sometimes i just let my crazy emotions overtake me. Nowadays i am better at keeping them in check. But sometimes i let them mess me up.

[Redo]

Journalling....

I think i am going back to my dark days when i got up in the morning with a sick feeling.

Today i feel i might have a panic attack or something. I guess couple of things going. My parents are leaving this weekend. They were here for a month. And although we had quite a friction, i did love having them in the house. Now its just gonna be empty. A good friend and my colleague at work is quitting. I think both of these just rocked my mental boat and i feel like i am falling off the cliff.

Now everytime i look at my daughter's pictures, i cannot help but start tearing up.

In our discussion, i told my wife that i wanted to keep the home and buy her out. So i suggested appraising the house so that i can figure out how much money i would owe her. She said that she would drive down to the house on the day of the appraisal. It feels bad that she actually does not trust me that i would be fair. I cannot believe it has come down to this that my wife who knew me for 11 years thinks that i would cheat her on the house. Sometimes i cannot believe the level that we come down to when our relationships die....makes me never want to get into any relationship again.

[Queen_of_Swords]

In our discussion, i told my wife that i wanted to keep the home and buy her out. So i suggested appraising the house so that i can figure out how much money i would owe her. She said that she would drive down to the house on the day of the appraisal. It feels bad that she actually does not trust me that i would be fair. I cannot believe it has come down to this that my wife who knew me for 11 years thinks that i would cheat her on the house. Sometimes i cannot believe the level that we come down to when our relationships die....makes me never want to get into any relationship again.

It's not personal believe it or not.
Most people based their actions on what they would do.
It isn't that your wife doesn't trust you, she wouldn't trust HER!
This is really no different than siblings squabbling over an inheritance when a parent dies. Some really ugly stuff comes out.

Breathe man, breathe. This is hard. We in this forum are with you.

[Redo]

You are right Scylla, I know my wife is not doing it because she does not trust me.

I think i am more upset that both of us are in this position where a bond that once was is not there anymore.

Sometimes it just feels so surreal. That all of a sudden both of us who shared and knew each others deepest feelings all of a sudden feel and act like strangers.

Thanks for your kind words.

[Redo]

Journaling...

It has been bittersweet weekend. I dropped my parents at the airport for their trip back. On the way I took them to see NASA space center in houston. They loved it. For the one month i had my parents with me, it was good and bad. Good because i had someone in the house to talk and express myself. Bad because i had to deal with my mom's negativity. Everytime i was reminded that i was more like her and did not want to be. I guess that also drives me harder to work on myself. Even though i fought a lot with my mom, it was hard to see them leave. It was nice of them to give me the support during my time of need.

Sunday i just felt like laying watching all episodes of 'scrubs'. I just love that show. Its funny that the show is called comedy...but i think it is quite a serious show about life and relationships. I never thought i'd cry watching a TV show.Then wife calls up. I have been trying to see how i can keep our home without selling it. So we decided that we'd get the house appraised first. Wife called up to say that she's willing to accept a lower value on her share of the house because she feels like the lawyer has started to rip her off. I listened, even sympathized with her and at the end told her that i'll work with her to make sure that she does not talk to the lawyer a lot so that she'll get billed less.

I felt horrible for her. She told how she's trying to manage all this. I felt like telling her to just coma back. That i'll take care of her. That she need not be like this. That i can care of all 3 of us. I felt so helpless seeing my wife suffer like this. That just confirmed to me as to how much i still care for her and love her. I again formed the resolve that i'll still wait on her even if the divorce goes through. She's worth every second of it...

[spellfire]

It is good to know what you want. That is the kind of decisiveness you need to see this through.

I can see you still feel bad for your W. You see this as an expression of love, but at this time you need to apply a certain amount of "tough love". By this, I mean that she needs to experience the downside of leaving without anyone bailing her out. Please hold the line on this, and do not tell her anything. Let her experience the consequences of her actions. Your job is to feel empathy for yourself (note not feel sorry for yourself). She left you, remember?

Your job is to provide a place that looks really appealing to her to return to, but not to tell her (pressure). Do not tell her all those things you want to say. Fight that instinct.

Instead keep working on yourself, so that you can present the best mykarma possible whenever you interact with her. Show her a strong man, not a weak little boy.

If you feel anxiety, just remind yourself "I can handle it".

SF

[Redo]

SF, I see what you mean by tough love. I've always had weak knees when i see people in distress.

Last evening i talked to my daughter. She's talking so much now. I never heard her talk like this in december. How fast they grow. I experienced a profound sense of loss of seeing her grow during these months. Very said that every time she goes through these big changes, I am not there to see. Back in '09 when she just started to walk, wife walked away for 6 months to stay with her parents. Now this.

I feel i am regressing today. Sense of hopelessness, loss and anger toward wife. Now the anger is new. It is slowly encompassing my other feelings. I am angry that i have been denied my daughter who i love so much. I feel like i'll never get over this loss because this age of hers: it will never come again and gone for ever. I know i am talking a lil crazy, but i am so upset that my wife took my daughter away knowing very well how much i loved being there for both of them.

sorry, i just feel like venting...

[Redo]

Journalling...

So I've been trying to figure out a way to keep our home rather than selling it. So we finally worked out the details. I just needed to find out few details on the loan. Meanwhile daughter has started her kindergarten. I cannot believe that the day has come and gone like that. I planned so much for the day when we would put our lil angel in kindergarten. I would take the day off, take lots of photos and videos and after she finished the day, we would take her out to chuck-e-cheese and celebrate!... And now this...

All the time when i saw, hear or come across people facing big life issues (death, disease etc), I prayed and hoped that i would not be on that boat. Now that i am, sometimes it still feels like a lucid dream. That, from which i'll wake up one day.

Just the hard thing i've been having from 2 days is my purpose now. Somehow i always needed a purpose. Before it was my family, my daughter, her future etc. These were my purposes. Now i don't know what to do with my day. Why am i doing what i am doing. For what?? Everywhere i go, i feel like a failure. One who has failed in life, failed in keeping his family together. It hurts a lot in my community because indians rarely get divorced.