You are right of course I have to stop trying to understand her and get in her head. As you probably know, it just kills me to have to face, be in the same house as, and be married to some who very well may be lying to me, and basically planning her future life without me ( and not sharing this with me of course ). Only an evil person could do something's like this so cruel (if indeed she is lying and just waiting for the right time). The one who was your cherished lived one being so selfish and utterly hurtful. But I digress...
Lastnight was weird. We haven't hugged or kissed in weeks. Last night when heading out to meet the guys she leaned over and gave me a (dry, lifeless, short) kiss. Then this morning she seemed quite nice at breakfast. But I remind myself it all could be smoke and mirrors and just keep on living...
Last night when I came home at 12, I got into bed, but then got pissed off thinking about things so I went downstairs into the spare bed. I was thinking she would start to get the hint and see me in the morning downstairs. The only other time I did this she freaked out and came down in the middle of the night and asked me to come back to bed. So I knew this might get to her a bit. Then I realized I was trying to control her reaction and also I didn't want my daughter to wake up and see me down there so I went back into bed.
Today still doing well disconnecting. Really making progress here. It probably is bad, but the way I make progress on disconnecting is to reminding myself of how she hurt me, how angry I am with her, and also I think about her flaws, bad features, and the specifics about her body and appearance which might make her less attractive. Silly? Wrong? Unhealthy? Maybe but it works for me to move on and disconnect. Now to work on being happy and confident. I want to be my best. Yes some part of me wants her to look at me and remember why she loved me and why she wanted to be with me. But that could only ever happen if I get happy, confident, and strong. Not there now. Right now I am simply a disconnected spouse, with still hurt anger and pain evident (to just about anyone but certainly her).
Thanks for the comments. I always appreciate supportive replies.
