WAW tearing up our family part II

[OnMyWay]

Wow. Sounds like we are married to the exact same woman.

I think you nail it right on the head. Thanks for the insight. This all makes so much sense.

Something I used to get before she decided to move out: She always said she was "trying," which I believe was code for "this isn't worth that much effort, but I'll see what happens." When I'd call her on it, I'd get the obligatory, "well, I'm still here aren't I?"

Of course, now, she's not. The only time she turns around is when I agree with her and actually push her harder towards her goal. When she repeated said, "I want a divorce" and I finally said, "Ok. Let's get this done this week," would she then say we were going to fast. Or two weeks ago, I got "I'm going to have my attorney draw up papers" during a fight we were having. I calmly came back to her the next day and agreed that was exactly what she needed to do. She hasn't done it.

Have you offered to help your WAW move out yet? Make her comfortable in her new place? Don't know if that would work in your sitch, but I love agreeing with her craziness now. It's like a game for me to watch the exact opposite happen.

I'm still in moderations, so my replies are delayed. Keep posting so I can monitor your results/progress. Your WAW is still around, so you have many more chances at DBing than I do. Good luck with it.

[ironMan]

Hi OMW ...... yes, I have had a similar experience. In fact, I KNOW ... that the reason she hasn't moved out yet is because I stopped fighting her on it. I'm letting her own this. As I repeat to myself at least every hour I'm awake ... "she is her problem now"

I haven't offered to help her move yet ... because I'm not sure it is authentic to how I feel. I would help in a heartbeat, IF SHE ASKS. But, not sure that offering would be genuine. She hates asking for help .. but ... time to grow up, honey.

[grr]

hi iron

good for you!

i think that is exactly right

if she wants it so be it, but don't do anything to hasten it along or help

my husband says we need to put up our place in the west coast,,

it needs so much fixing up

he was there last week (all by himself) and had all the time in the world to work on things, and all he did was skateboard

[ironMan]

hi iron
it needs so much fixing up

he was there last week (all by himself) and had all the time in the world to work on things, and all he did was skateboard

Haha. Something about the image of a grown man skateboarding instead of fixing his house just put a huge smile on my face. I'm not smiling at your expense .... just picturing an overgrown man-child. A male incarnation of the current iteration of my W.

Does he have to pull his pants up with one hand while skating like all the kids I see? haha

Well, Grr ... seems you're a mother of 2 little boys.

My Mom was an elementary school teacher ... so she had lots of tricks to play on me when I was being a snotty kid. One I remember vividly ..... is that I, like many 2nd graders, thought that farting with my armpit was HILARIOUS. So, instead of being disgusted, and telling me to stop ... my mom said .. "wow, that's amazing. Let's see if you can do that for 10 minutes straight".

Of course, your arm got tired, and you didn't even get a reaction out of your mom. Dammit.

Well, I think that's how you deal with overgrown children/WAS as well.

[Queen_of_Swords]

She always said she was "trying," which I believe was code for "this isn't worth that much effort, but I'll see what happens."

Oh wow, does this ^^^^^^^^resonate for me .
You've put into words exactly what I felt when my H. said, " he tried" it in the counselors' office. In fact he said it often I looked at him once and said " What exactly was it that you tried?" and he was silent.

[ironMan]

W was especially distraught yesterday. I didn't seek to fix anything for her. She is her problem now.

But, I sense she is planning another big move. And this will be scary for sure. But, it will be ok and I will be ok.

Today, I noticed how good it feels just to breathe. You ever breathe really deeply and fill your lungs? The kind that fills them and makes your belly move..... it just feels good. The air is cool as it enters ...and you feel the oxygen hit your blood.

I'm alive. And it's good. My road will be a good one. Where she goes is up to her.

[ironMan]

Well, I pushed a very little ... more than I should've ... but was mostly just validating etc. tonight.

W told me why she was so upset yesterday ..... the place she was gong to move into on the 15th fell thru.

So, I kind of thought she was upset because of the effect this is having on our daughter ..... nope .... she was feeling sorry for herself. Well, at least she's consistent.

Me .... I feel like ...... whatever crazy lady ..... life goes on without you.

[OnMyWay]

Kind of quiet on this thread ironMan? You ok?

[ironMan]

Hi OnMyWay Thanks for checking on me :-)

Umm, I don't know. Usually I'm good. I have some hard times though.

She has stopped wearing her ring since last Weds. She hid from my family when they came to visit .... and then decided she'd come to dinner with us.

Yesterday, on my birthday .... she took me out to dinner. She gave me a kiss afterwards. I slipped, and asked for another ...she obliged though.

I got a pretty good buzz on during dinner and she drove home. On the way home, she got pulled over for changing lanes without signalling. She was very upset and crying. She then didn't have her current insurance card .... and she got upset at me. She said it was my fault ..... I validated ... just let her vent. Much different interaction than what we would've had in the past.

She then said that karma was getting her. This is the 2nd or 3rd time she made a comment like that. I asked her why she thought karma was after her. She said that it was because she was a bad person. I asked her what she meant .. and she said that she's bad because she is splitting up her family for selfish reasons.

How weird is that?

I woke up that night in a cold sweat ..... I had a nightmare that she told me she was getting ready to have a 3-way with 2 other guys. The thought of her with someone else makes me physically ill. I'm doing very well with everything else .. but we are each other's 1st and only.

On that note .... it's been 5 months of celibacy for me now. I'm starting to really resent her for that. Women check me out at the gym ... and I wonder .... why am I wearing my ring?

I dunno ..... this whole thing [censored]. She's a broken person who is about as selfish as they come.

So, all in all I've been very well but I've had some ACUTE pain at times.

She says she's moving in with her mom now ... which she vowed never to do. To be honest, I would rather she lived on her own so she could see how much that sucked.

But, I am looking forward to her moving out so I can heal myself.

I'm starting 2 new hobbies. My life is going to be very fun this summer.

Anyway .... I have to say .... I kinda hate her right now.

[OnMyWay]

Is she getting any counseling? We've both said this before, but we suspect we are married to the same woman.

Mine finally decided to get some pro help. While I doubt I'll benefit from it, I'm glad she's beginning to see she can't handle it on her own anymore. I suspect the guilt of leaving her D behind has finally caught up with her.

Well, off to DB tonight - first time the 3 of us will be together since she left. I'm here for ya if you need to vent or W-bash, or what ever.