no more bolt

[Bolt]

well, the 30 days came and went pretty dang fast, eh?
I met her today and she said she slept on it and that she didn't even want to try.

So instead, we talked about everything. She spelled it all out that she's been done for quite some time and had most of this planned out. She had been faking most of it and just wanted to get the girls out of the state. She didn't want to hurt me (sure) and is sorry for that (whatever).

The convo was heated at times (only on her end) but mostly civil. I did realize something through it though. I really didn't love her anymore. I truly didn't care what was happening to ME. I knew that I didn't really love her for a while. I loved her but wasn't IN love with her - I know...that sounds weird after everything but I think I was only in this for my kids. I gave in to her for so long and I was pretty miserable. Now that it ended, I feel pretty good.

But the kids are another story.

They were devastated and I truly hate her for that. I was willing to work it out to try to find love again for the kids and each other. I felt I did owe it to her after all of the years we put together. But once I got it all piled on me, I just couldn't take it and I had no desire to continue.

The kids cried the whole time and I was exhausted after. My oldest is so strong and smart but is so very fragile. I need to really step up my daddy skills from here on out. I know I've been a pretty good dad so far but I'm really going to be better.

They need it and aren't going to get it from their mother.

I want to thank all of the bits and all of the peeps on these boards. I do wish I could have done better but I really wish I would have been true to my emotions and made changes earlier.

I do wish you all the best of luck. It was never my intention to break up this family and it friggin kills me. BUT ultimately, I gave all I could.

My youngest was crying in my arms as I told her - I never gave up on her and never will. I told her that whenever she wants to find me, she only has to look here (I pointed to her heart) I said because she is my heart.