Take The Long Way Home...

[FellOnBlackDays]

Oh, I also forgot to mention that she would not deny the presence of an OM. When questioned on the subject, she simply got mad and told me that this particular subject is no longer any of my business. 15 years together and who she is banging on the side is no longer any of my business?!?!!?!? Who in the hell are you kidding, my love???

Well, wife, a couple of nights ago I wished you luck in finding what you were looking for. Apparently, you have already found it so forget what I said...

15 years wasted. 15 years I will never get back. Isn't that enough punishment? No, apparently not. She also now has to fall into the arms of someone else to really complete the "fatal blow."

BITS, I am thinking about changing my name from FOBD to Phoenix. I will rise from these ashes!

FOBD

[♪CS♪]

FOBD, I know how much it [censored]. My W is banging a male nurse. How is that for blow to my manhood? You WILL come out of this stronger, I am sure of it.

15 years wasted

I can't blame you for thinking this way now, but in time you won't. I'm sure your M was filled with many happy memories. No one can take those from you. Time will bring them back to you.

[dbmod]

FOBD,

I'm really so sorry. I hope that you will be able to heal and that we can help you do that and that you will be able to trust again and find love that fills your heart. I hope that you will have the best of friends surrounding you right now, and that somehow the high road can be found and travelled.

You have my prayers.

[FellOnBlackDays]

BITS,
Not much to report here. I had an appt with my A today. He is pushing me very hard to file before she can. In my state, I can protect myself from claims for support if I can get her out of my life as soon as possible. As I have stated in the past, I am worth about 10 times what she currently is. He spent an hour today explaining to me that if I file now, while she is feeling guilty for leaving, I can save myself thousands of dollars. I am seriously considering doing it. If I file and we use my A to do everything, I can give myself certain protections that I would not get if she brings her own A into the mix. This is very tempting...

I honestly don't know what to do. And, since I have made so many bad choices with my M over the years, my own personal ideas on how to handle the subject will only factor in for a portion of the decision. I have my last DB session tomorrow morning and an appt with my MC tomorrow afternoon. So, here is how I am going to break it down:

FOBD = 25% influence on the decision
My A = 25% influence on the decision
My DB counselor = 25% influence on the decision
My MC = 25% influence on the decision

Majority vote will rule. In the event of a tie, I will let the BITS decide. Yes, I know. This sounds crazy as sh*t!!! But, I honestly don't trust my own judgement these days and I think getting the opinion of as many folks as possible can't hurt.

For months, I have visited this site and professed my unconditional and unrelenting love for my wife. The stunt she pulled on Monday night has just about killed my love completely. In the past days, it has come to my attention that my W has been untruthful with me numerous times in the past couple of months. I just don't know if I can trust her any longer. Yes, I do love my W. I will love my W until the day I die. But, this woman I am dealing with now is not my W. Not even close. Honestly, I have no idea who was sitting on my couch cutting me to pieces just a few nights ago...

Yep, it is time for a new theme song. I think this one is so very appropriate....

Well baby, there you stand
With your little head, down in your hand
Oh, my God, you can't believe it's happening again
Your baby's gone, and you're all alone
and it looks like the end.

And you're back out on the street.
And you're tryin' to remember.
How will you start it over?
You don't know if you can.
You don't care much for a stranger's touch,
But you can't hold your man.

You never thought you'd be alone this far down the line
And I know what's been on your mind
You're afraid it's all been wasted time

The autumn leaves have got you thinking
about the first time that you fell
You didn't love the boy too much, no, no
you just loved the boy to well, Farewell
So you live from day to day, and you dream about tomorrow, oh.
And the hours go by like minutes
and the shadows come to stay
So you take a little something to make them go away
And I could have done so many things, baby
If I could only stop my mind from wondrin' what I left behind and from worrying 'bout this wasted time

Another love has come and gone
And the years keep rushing on
I remember what you told me before you went out on your own:
"Sometimes to keep it together, we got to leave it alone."
So you can get on with your search, baby,
And I can get on with mine
And maybe someday we will find,
that it wasn't really wasted time

Please, heavens above, please don't let this all have been wasted time...

FOBD

[♪CS♪]

FOBD, you sound like you are back to being less clear in your feelings. This is completely understandable. You need time to process everything and make sure you are 100% certain of the direction you want to head. To me, after that question is answered, the legal question becomes an easier one.

If you are 100% certain you are done and want to move on I think it is an easy answer. Protect yourself and your assets as much as possible.

[Brian in Hville]

FOBD,

Just remember, you can always get back together AFTER a D. Protect yourself first. If she ends up with very little, it may help her realise just what she has done.

[Truegritter]

FOBD

Take a look at my thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2056493&page=13

Start at my post #2097934 about half down the page.

I came upon the same crossroad.

And believe I got some good advice from the wise folk here.

At some point my friend you have to stop reacting to what they do or don't do according to what you want or don't want.

You have to decide who YOU are and decide from there.

Not always easy. Not always what your lawyer tells you.

Not what your Mom,

Your Dad,

Your friends,

Or any f@cking body tells you.

YOU.

Do you know who that person is?

What he believes.

What he knows without anyone telling him?

There is easy and then there is growing up.

After that is the rest of your life my friend.

[FellOnBlackDays]

True, thank you. I read your posts and the advice you got and it is sound. I will use this information as I move forward.

BITS, I promised you some details on her visit the other night so here it is. As usual, this will be one of FOBD's 10-page novels, so get comfortable...

She arrived. I let her in. I could tell something was wrong. She didn't smile when I opened the door. As I opened the door, she blew past me into the house. We went into the den and she plopped down on the sofa as if she was going to stay for a time. I was happy. We made small talk about family and friends and watch TV together for 40 minutes or so. At one point, she began laughing about something and it was the first time I had heard her laughter in our home in months. I almost broke down right there.

But, the longer we sat there, the more nervous I became. I realized what was going on. For years, when she wanted to deliver bad news this is what she would do. Just sit next to me for a long period trying to act happy, but it is so fact you can smell it. So, she finally whips out her Iphone and starts going over the list of things she wants from the house. There is not much left. I know that, she knows that. She went through the list and nothing was a surprise. But, at the end, I knew it was the end. My w has collected numerous antique Xmas items over the years. I attic is almost full of this stuff. I knew that would be the final straw and it was. She stated that at 830pm at night, she wanted me to crawl into the attic and start pulling this stuff down. I was tired, it was late, and so I asked her to wait. She got angry. She started ranting about how this needs to be over.

I was calm. I let her speak and then I turned to her and reminded her that she still has not given me the few things I have asked for repeatedly. This is when things go interesting. She became very aggravated and acted as though she knew nothing of what I was talking about. As I began to remind her, she threw herself back into couch cushions and folder her arms. She then proceeded to inform me that she had NO intention of giving me any of the stuff I asked for. She then informs me that her agreement in the past to give me my stuff was just a ploy to buy time and she NEVER intended to give me what I wanted. She then informed me that was the way that it was and there was nothing I could do about it.

At this point, I was speechless and she was getting more and more angry. She then stated that since we had opened up this wound, she would proceed with what she really came for. A divorce. I was floored. Here is some of the conversation:

W: Look, it's been six months, be real. This is over and I want to move on with my life.

M: What is the rush?

W: It's been six months!!!! I was through with us when I was living here. What in the hell don't you understand. I don't love you. I don't want to be married to you. I want this over. I want to move on. I am tired of this hanging over my head. I need to be free of all of this.

(Big mistake on my part here)
M: Well, since it is over, will you at least be honest with me. It seems to me that there is something pushing you harder than before. Is there someone else?

W: I don't have to tell you that. That is none of your f*cking business any longer. What I do is no concern of yours. You can go f*ck whoever you want, I don't care.

M: Well, I guess I just got my answer. Thank you.

W: Oh, so no answer is an admission of guilt? You don't know. Just drop it. Look, I have wanted a D for months. I only held off because I didn't want to ruin your brother's wedding. Now, that is out of the way. So, how do you want to do this? I have researched some stuff on the internet. We can do this ourselves without an A. I want to that. Well, what do you want to do.

M: (name), I am just heard this news 10 seconds ago. Give me a minute.

W: You had to know this was coming. So, what are we going to do. I need to know now. Tonight. I want this over.

M: (at this point, I was seething and could barely breath. Everything in my body wanted to lash out and destroy, but I didn't because I stayed true to me and my DB principles.) Wife, I think it best that you leave. Right now.

W: What? What about the stuff I came for? I am not leaving without it.

M: Wife, I think it best that you leave, please.

She stormed for the door. I stopped her, turned her around and said the following: "If this is what you want, this is what you will get. But I need a couple of days to process this and decide how to proceed." She suddenly begins to smile and says, "Thank you" and storms out. I have never seen someone go from nice-to bitch-back to nice so quickly. It was awful. She is so sick in the head, it is not even funny.

I didn't know what to do next. So, I called my family and informed them it was over. No one was really that surprised, but all were very supportive and loving.

A few minutes later, I went to bed. I realized I had a whole new world facing me in the morning.

I will start a new thread with part 2.

FOBD

[FellOnBlackDays]

Part 2

BITS, I now this is all out of order. But, I just couldn't bring myself to post the details earlier. Well, if you have been keeping up, you will know that yesterday was a big day for me. I arranged some time with my DB coach, my MC and some family. This was quite a task while also working for the day.

First, I met with my DB coach. She was very sweet, very helpful and well worth every dime I paid to speak to her. I can't stress that enough. But, she does agree that what I have been doing is not working. I informed her of my w's behavior, what I was feeling and what my A stated during our visit. Much to my surprise, she informed me that it sounded like my W may be going through an MLC. I never thought of it that way, honestly. None the less, my coach agreed that I should file. She stated that it was time to show my w some unconditional love and be true to my DBing principles. The time to shine had come.

I then met with my MC. He too agreed. He actually applauded my plan. He gave me many reasons why it is a good idea. He voted for the D.

I then met with some family. I informed them of what my coach, my MC and my A stated. They all agreed that it might be best to follow the advice given.

So, the vote was unanimous. To be honest, I was surprised and devastated. But, it is very hard to argue with these individuals who I look to for my foundation and support. All parties involved had the same key sentiment that they expressed to me: My w is very angry at me and is, for whatever reason, looking to punish me. It is time to stop worrying about the marriage or love and protect myself from her. I never thought I would find a day where I had to protect myself from the woman I have loved dearly for 15 years.

And she is very angry. My w was always, always a very caring person. She would cry at commercials and sappy TV shows. She always would get on me for being negative or uncaring. She would always be the first to put a friend or family first. In 15 years, I never really saw her ever try to get revenge on anyone who had ever wronged her. And, some of her friends really did screw her over at times. The look on her face on Tuesday night was completely foreign to me. I have NEVER seen her like this, EVER! She is angry and looking to hurt at each and every chance. I am amazed and astounded at who she has become. I can't even describe it to you because words wouldn't do it justice. She literally hates me. No matter how nice she is, the anger is always right under the surface. There is a paper-thin boundary between her being calm and he attempts to crush me. I don't know what to say.
She is either using the anger to fuel her departure or protect herself from any thoughts of the love we once had. Either way, I can't defeat this. No DBing in the world can beat this, I promise.

So, this is how it will end. I contacted my A yesterday to tell him to start the paperwork. I will meet with her tomorrow to inform her that I will pay for the A (I believe she is living from check to check and that is why she wants to use the Internet). If I pay for the A, I get to pick the A. I also get to protect myself from this monster that my W has become.

I am scared. I do realize that once she has what she wants, she is gone. I am almost certain there is an OM and that is what she is racing to at full speed. So be it. I just don't think I have the stomach for this any longer. When we see each other and she is mean to me, it cuts like a knife. I hurt in ways I never imagined I could. I can't face this any longer. My MC is very concerned about me. He stated this yesterday:

"(name), I think you need to get out of this relationship as soon as you can. Over the past six months, I have watched you transform into the person you told me you wanted to be when you first came into my office. I am so proud of you. You are one of my star patients. But, when you speak of her, you still shake, you still cry and you still doubt yourself. At no other point during our visits do you crumble like you do when you speak of her. I want you to get away from her. I want you to get away from this person who you are going to let destroy you. She is going to steal your soul if you don't save yourself."

I was floored. So, this is it. Apparently, it is me or my marriage. I have to pick me. I love her still. And even though I refer to her as a monster, I know she is in there somewhere. But, she either won't let the true person come out or that person can't. Either way, this sitch is creeping ever closer to a bad finale.

I wish I could say I am ready for this, but I am not. I have cried pretty much non-stop for a day. But, I don't know what else to do. All good things must come to an end. They must. She has decided she is done and there is nothing I can do about this but start my life over. I will miss her, but she does not miss me and I cannot change that. My heart breaks with each breath.

I love you, BITS. Each and every one of you. I wish we each of you the very best life has to offer. I want to thank you for your support. I have no way of ever paying any of you back for what you have done. Heck, I don't even know your real names. But, I will go out each day and do my best to "pay it forward" in the hopes that some of my good will reach each and every one of you. You are all great people and don't deserve what is happening. May you all each lead happy and fruitful lives.

Your friend, your buddy, your captain,

FOBD

[Queen_of_Swords]

I am sorry it's come to this for you FOBD. Thank you for being here for us.
I wish there was more I could do than just type words on a screen.
You worked so hard.
I hope in the end it pays off for you in other ways.
My best wishes to you FOBD