Ugh, May. Lots going on here. I'm so very sorry. Let's get this broken down.
Have you figured out your boundaries yet? Meaning, what are you willing to forgive or not forgive? What are you willing to do to save yourself right now?
May, I am glad to hear that you are trying to take care of yourself but I am getting increasingly concerned about your stress level. I know what it is to be lied to in the way you are being lied to. My H did the same exact things yours is doing. I know my stress level. I was not pregnant.
You need to think about your boundaries right now and not out of anger. You are angry right now and you are going to need to let that pass a little.
I want to address what you are saying about letting him see his daughter, but I don't think you are in any frame of mind to have that discussion so we will let that pass for now.
You NEED to detach. For your own sanity. And that might mean that you tell him that if he is lying then he cannot be in the house right now. But you need to start taking control. You also need to keep talking on here. You need to make sure that you let us know how your health is.
I'm sending you big, big hugs right now. I'm praying for you.
Before this last note when he came home in the middle of the night and saw your brother, etc., something wasn't sitting right with me. I thought - odd. And I also thought this man is sneaking around and he is not thinking of YOUR wellbeing. It's one thing to need space, right? And not to do it in a very caring way "Hey, I love you but right now I need to sort some stuff out, I'll be back Monday night." And then follow through.
It's another to be sneaking around.
Then, reading this note, well. I don't know what to say. That's a whole other ballgame. Maybe other people can advise you better, but he is an extremely selfish person. Fear can do crazy things to a person. But how could he right-out lie to you? On the phone, on the Google program, etc.
I'm really sorry. Do you have family nearby who can help you? Someone who can stay with you a while so you can stay grounded, get the rest you need and let you sort through this while not having to worry about other stuff? (Meals, pets, etc.)
I would say, get rest, try to stay grounded, know that however this turns out you WILL be okay in the end. I promise you.
As to what LIS said, I was going to say the same thing - if he is lying, HE needs to leave the house. You need a home that is safe and not stressful (with his presence).
Don't worry about the seeing his daughter thing. You have time to sort all that out.
As to what LIS said, I was going to say the same thing - if he is lying, HE needs to leave the house. You need a home that is safe and not stressful (with his presence).
Don't worry about the seeing his daughter thing. You have time to sort all that out.
I don't think I know exactly where my boundaries are. But I realize that my daughter must come first.
Having said that, and knowing the statistics on divorce and how the only time it is beneficial to a child is when there is significant abuse, I am going to continue to DB for now. And I think I will lay low on the fact that I have this information.
I still plan on keeping all of my records in the event that we do divorce, I will need all the evidence I can to get everything I need to take care of my child. But I will not divulge what I have, at least not at this time.
I am going to give him ample opportunity to tell me anything he wants to tell me. I still love the person I married (however, I do NOT love who ever has taken over his body and possessed him), and I want my daughter to know that person.
GOALS: -Lay low on my knowledge. -Continue to take care of myself and my child. -Be slightly unavailable and VERY busy. -Continue to not initiate conversations (unless they are of a logistical nature), but be receptive if he starts them. -Continue not to care about his bank account, email, or location as they can all be covered up and lied about anyway, so why bother investigating. -Help H find himself again.
I was able to schedule an appointment with my IC today. And I told the MC to let me know if ANY appointment becomes available between now and the 11th (I even said I would take a half day to be there).
The thing I am sure of is there must be consequences to his behaviors. I do not know what they are though. Like I had said in my previous post, my first reaction is to yank his daughter away from him and leave him in the dust. But I do not think this is what I ultimately want. In the mean time, I will begin taking measures to prepare myself for a possible divorce (find a place to stay, save money, know when I need to leave, keep records of all behaviors I CAN prove, etc.)
I do not know what happened in California. I do not know why he went or why he lied about it. I do not know what he wants out of all of this (and I don't think he knows either).
I do know that he lied. I do know that this most likely has nothing to do with me. I do know that I will be fine, no matter what the outcome is. And I do know that if the man I married comes back from the dead (because that's how I feel right now... like he has died and someone has his body), I want to be with him and have our daughter know that man.
And if I have to go through hell learning how to trust again in order to get my H back to the way he was, then that is the sacrifice I'm willing to make for my family. I will pay for years of therapy in order to give my daughter the life she deserves: a life with an unbroken family unit that is happy and healthy.
DueinMay: Wow I am really impressed on how committed you are for your marriage. Hope your husband realizes what he is doing, especially that he's becoming a dad.
One of your goals you mentioned was 'Help H find himself again'. While that is very nice of you, i wonder if that would actually backfire. Because WAW's are caught up in the resentment loop and everything you do for them, they turn it around and justify it more as a reason to run away.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
The plan kinda deviated, but not so much to show that I had gone through his laptop bag to find the boarding pass.
Basically I got fed up with the amount of garbage coming out of his mouth and said, "so, if we call AA right now, you will have the same number of miles as you did when I picked you up on the 12th?"
"yeah... well, the month may have not caught up yet."
"wrong, it takes about 3 days for miles to show up, give or take. So you had 14k as of last weekend and miles don't show up until you've completed your trip. So if you came back Monday night, you would have more."
"Ok, sure, we can call"
...Remember, I already know there's more than 14k at this point.
So we call, and sure enough there are 15k.
"Well, how do you know I'm not playing mind games and I didn't just purchase more miles to screw with you for looking through my personal stuff."
So this combined with a few other inconsistencies in his various stories (not necessarily to do with his whereabouts, just general back peddling from previous statements), made me do a 180.
My attitude was very different with him. I think I have officially detached. I wasn't angry, I wasn't sad, I wasn't pressuring. I was just... I don't know. I was very fed up and almost sarcastic. I literally laughed at him and said he was “delusional” and “ridiculous”.
And he was strangely receptive. I mean, was he honest? No. I don't know why he's not being honest. And I don't know what good it will be to find out why he's not being honest, because he doesn't seem to even be honest with himself (ex: I called him out on his timeline of how long this has been happening because all of the sudden last night it moved AGAIN from the last year, to the last 2 years. I've also heard he's felt unhappy for the last 6 months, 1.5 years, and everything up to getting engaged back in '07).
But he didn't get defensive. He didn't walk out of the room. He didn't get angry or irritated. He made up more BS, but he tried to pull it off like nothing was happening.
He also said he wanted to build her crib this weekend (it came yesterday) and he plans on going to the baby class on Saturday (the one that I said I'm going to with or without him). Then he read two books to her.
Maybe he also did that because I called him out on the fearing being a father thing.
Again, with the very factual, almost sarcastic, "I'm not taking your BS" tone, I basically said he fears this child, he doesn't want her, he thinks he'll be a lousy dad, and I'm tired of him lying to himself about how he feels.
And again, he was strangely receptive. He denied those things, but he didn't get angry and he didn't shut down.
I did feel bad later in the night though because we talked more about how he felt about being a dad and I could see the tears start to well up. I called him on that too (seeing him begin to get upset), and he quickly changed the topic.
I did try to reassure him that if I thought he was going to be a bad father that I wouldn't have married him. He said he knew.
I picked up Diamond's book on male menopause. It really does describe him well. I've also recently read what becoming a father can do to a man physiologically speaking. I'm wondering if that's affecting anything? But Diamond talks about how men will go from being this very considerate, open, happy man, to someone who is irritable, lies, and is extremely selfish.
And this certainly seems to fit the bill.
I will continue to hold out on the evidence I have the boarding pass (which does incriminate me for being a snoop); however, I have also learned how to look up the flight history on AA's refund website, and that supplied me with the flight out there, when he changed his flight (he was originally going to come back on the 22nd), and then the rebooked flight on the 28th. And it says "Status--used. Ineligible for refund".
So we'll wait for the right time to divulge that information.
So I guess baby steps?? --He did come home. He clearly decided to change the flight one time, so who's to say he hadn't planned on changing it again. But he didn't. --He actually did something for the baby. Again, who knows if this is because I called him out on it, but I've called him out before and all he did was get defensive and moody. --His ADHD medication is being consumed (oh, which he denied he has taken despite the fact that we both counted the pills and 2 are missing now. No one else could be taking them!) --We talked for almost 5 hours last night. And no one got super upset. --I had no desire to call him yesterday and didn't. --He finally said he had no problem with me calling his parents directly instead of him setting up the time to talk for us. --He said he was going to see his therapist today at 9 (but remember, I don't believe most of the crap coming out his mouth, so who knows). --We did both agree that we are not making any major decisions about our relationship until the baby comes, and most likely wait for a few months afterward as well (at least he could recognize those first few months will be hard for both of us).
GOALS: --Continue to keep my knowledge under wraps. He is so delusional and evasive, it will do me no good at this time. This is something best served cold. --Continue to not care about his crap. --Make more plans just for myself
I cannot believe your strength through this matter. It is absolutely amazing and you are doing a great job!!!!
If you can, lay off the R conversations for a little bit. I understand where you are coming from and the frustration you feel at this point to be lied to. However, you need to try to keep the R conversations to a minimum for right now.
I think that it is huge, though, that he was at least listening to what you were saying. I am 5 months down the road and I don't think that my H has heard a single thing I've said. So obviously your delivery is excellent.
I think he's realized his boarding pass it gone. I came home today and he had made the bed (very unusual for him) and next to the bed I found an old boarding pass from the 12th. It was folded up and crumpled next to his fatherhood book I purchased for him back in November (how ironic...).
He still isn't home for the night either. This is pretty late, even for him (at least it is on a work night). I'm guessing he thinks he's going to catch hell when he gets home.
We'll see how long he continues to pretend that I don't know. What's he going to say to me.... "uh, did you take my boarding pass out of my bag that proves I lied to you?"
Yeah, this sounds good to me. You sound really good. Stay strong!
I did a 180 too recently, and it feels good. I hated thinking about doing it - like turning off to my boyfriend - but I had to. I have to protect myself. He's been crazy lately and I was just getting constantly hurt and angry, so I detached. It's really a gift. I can enjoy our baby daughter and enjoy my life and not feel constantly like he's sucking the life/joy/etc out of me. I just don't let him. He needs to get stuff figured out, and I don't need to hold his hand or micromange it. If it happens in the next six-months to a year, great, if not, I'll have made myself a much better person and potential partner to someone else in the meantime. It [censored] about our daughter but we have committed to making her life as trauma-free as possible given that our relationship is iffy. We plan to make good strong decisions with her in mind either way we go.
