I am keeping this as my main thread for now just to post my thoughts as things progress.
I was reading yet another book last night and there it was, a PERFECT description of my wife. The "new woman" syndrome. A bit like the walk away wife but more "woman power".
The description was that the "new woman" is tired of feeling taken granted for, taking care of house and kids, and being a mom and wife. Suddenly one day she wakes up one day and decides everything is all about her. What she wants to do, hasn't had, never did, and now what she wants. "The kids will be fine, lots of people divorce every year" she tells herself and you. Her new power doesn't have to include an affair but can. She usually comes to this conclusion after having a "new woman power" friend, or finding one of the many poisonous places on the web promoting dangerous level of woman independence.
That fits my wife to a "T" and then some. I'm not saying we did not BOTH contribute to the way she ended up feeling about me (nothing, no attraction, etc). The way she feels is due to poor communication methods on both our sides. I did not listen, and was convinced I was right, and she said little because she didn't want to hurt my feelings, feel guilt for not loving me enough, or didn't want to feel like she was wrong again. My expectations were somewhat out of whack, and I WAAAYY wrongly thought you share everything in your marriage. Eventually she shut down and stopped sharing or discussing anything. Turns out most experts agree you don't just way what's on your mind always, which is what I did. Apparently total honesty really is not a strength builder n marriages (not lies, just not sharing every little thing).
But now she wants to start over, and I get no say in the matter. If I said ok you are free right now, we would be planning a divorce this instant. I know she really means it which is why I could not give her any kind of ultimatum. The ball is totally in her court with regards to if the marriage has a future and I know this. However for now I am doing the DB, and shutting up. Not talking, but listening. Getting a life, and disconnecting. Moving on, letting go, all of that.
My hope is that I will be stronger, happier with myself, less dependent, and not reliant on her moods or behavior to make me happy or sad. Parallel, I have dreams that over the next months she will feel some pull, and come out of her funk a bit. As long as she does not pursue the EA further, I can sit by and be patient while this wears off. Who knows how long that will take, and it may never happen, she may still want to divorce in 6 months. But that is secondary to me moving on for myself. Easier said than done, especially when you are in the house with this person every day. The one you are attracted to terribly, seems happy with life while you are hurting so much, and you utterly adored for years and years.
Interesting development. I found out that while I have been away she is pissed off and hurt that I have been so disconnected for W2 weeks. I have not asked about her day or how she is doing. Just called to talk to kids and that's all.
I heard thru back door that she is pissed I have not shared my day or adjecAT ALL about her.
Good? I think yes. I have her wondering. She really gas NO IDEA what it would be like with us apart. First taste for get now.
Been doing last resort for about a week now. Not asking about her day, etc. However we still are talking often through the day about dinner, kids activities, a family visit, etc.
The first few days, she seemed to be nice, and asking me about my day and such. Yesterday it changed dramatically. She knew there was a "game" going on, and I knew that she knew. Little talking, very obvious not asking about each others days, etc.
I am worried. I am concerned that she will be perfectly happy living as cold room mates until we can find the right time. I think she will be perfectly happy to never bring up our relationship, the future, possible separation, or counseling, until WHAM, she just lays it on me! I worry that she thinks that my cold behavior makes her feel justified about her choice (to want a divorce), because we have no connection anymore, and this is obvious now. I don't plan to backtrack, but the last 24 hours have been hell for me in that she clearly got to a point to stop an effort to even have normal conversation. Even this morning, she was EXTREMELY cold over a silly little thing. Clearly pissed off. Funny thing is she was not even angry, just cold. I had to ask her if she was mad at me as opposed to her just saying it. She is not likely to bring up our relationship, the future, or counseling, etc. She just isn't like that which means when I stop talking about it, it doesn't get talked about. Kind of freaking out.
Good thing is I am feeling good about my disconnecting and Getting a Life. I am focusing on not being emotionally connected to her, or being attracted to her, and thinking constantly about what my life could and would be like without her, focusing on my kids mostly. Still hard mostly thinking about her with someone else, but the rest I can handle pretty well.
OK, I am going to continue to Journal here even though few replies. Would like opinions.
My mood is good. Distancing is going very well, much better than expected. I can see myself alone and it is ok. I force myself to not be in the room when she is changing, leaving the room when she goes into shower, and keeping my distance after the kids go to bed to do my own thing. I have not been crying, much less hurting, still alot of anger. Not yet able to be myself around her. She has been very distant and angry last few days, clearly keeping distance. I almost feel sorry for her. It seems lately that the worse her mood is, and the more distant she acts, the more secure I feel. Almost as if, "who would want someone so angry and depressed all the time". I feel worst when she is happy and we seem to be relating well, because I fear of false hope, and I think she may just be playing a game keeping the peace until it is her time to want to exit. All I can do is control myself, my emotions, spend time with kids, and enjoy MY life.
Last night we were talking, and were laughing about something about one of the kids (happily, relaxed, not forced). She immediately found herself happy and laughing with me, and stopped it on purpose. It was obvious.
So yes I need to give it a few weeks for LRT to take hold. I get that. It feels wrong because the more I don't say or ask, the more she seems to pull away and be angry about it. We will see. I AM staying the path. We did talk about random stuff last night, but just logistics. I think she said 2 words at dinner. I was asking about the kids days, and all that stuff, she kept silent. Hard thing for me is to avoid small talk. Not prying, but just "hey this is going on with so and so". Normal stuff. I am having a hard time letting that go and need to do it.
However I can TOTALLY see how our having kids, living in the same house, is not giving her the "space" she needs. I can totally be in her head right now, seeing how she needs some space. But between dinners, kids activities, mornings, sleeping in same bed, and weekends, we still spend lots of time around each other and with each other. We live so far away from "home" for now that we simply have to be in close contact. There simply is not enough space to be had given our current situation unless we move home, where the EA OM is, which is why I am not wanting to do that. I almost think if we had a controlled separation it would be better for her to think, and if this relationship can fulfill her long term needs. She needs some space to remember the good times and realize how what she is feeling is fantasy not real. However I am fully aware that it could go the other way and it would be over, I am ready for that.
I am using this time to bond with my children, 8 and 5. The 8 and I are super solid, even more than the 8 is with my W. My 5, I need to work my way closer to his heart. He and I are totally good, but still a mommy's boy, and I want to be closer to him no matter what happens. So I am focusing on both of them without smothering them. Playing, spending time, watching movies, snuggling, playing, cooking together, and everything. I hate the thought of divorce and even though they would be ok, the fact that they would have to endure this due to selfishness is hard to take.
The "new woman" syndrome piece was interesting above. It also seems to have some parallels to my W. Her "new woman" friend would be her recently divorced sister.
Sounds like you are implementing the LRT fairly well. I am also implementing the LRT, but our friendship is still pretty strong and I am working to build on that. She is usually not cold or angry with me unless I show signs of dragging my feet on the divorce she adamantly wants. I have made myself a lot less available to her. I am working pretty hard on my GAL.
Sounds like in your case, it makes a lot of sense to go at least dim. I did notice you are sleeping in the same bed - would changing that give her more space? My W moved out of the bedroom on bomb night. I don't think I'd worry too much about the avoiding the small talk - it sounds like you are reducing it anyway.
I would also say to continue to work on your GAL. It's a great start to bond with your kids. If you can do some more things just for you, maybe even out of character for the way you are acting now, it can only help your competition with her fantasy.
Hi, Paper. Thanks for telling my story for me. I get tired of repeating it :-)
Wow wow wow .... it never ceases to amaze me how common this is and how similar some of the aspects are.
My W moved to the guest room a few weeks after the bomb. I'm currently waiting for her to move. I think she'll move soon.
You have to learn .... to stop trying to get in her head. You can't read her thoughts .... trying to do so is ONE of the things that got you and I into this thing. She may be mad .... at herself! She may be mad at you. Who knows ... and who cares. She is HER problem now.
I feel the same as you .... when she feels totally horrible (like yesterday) makes me feel validated that she's doing the wrong thing. And, at the same time, I feel bad for her .... and then I get mad that she is doing this to our family and it is selfish.
But, you're on the right path. You need to focus on GAL, and being happy. She will want to be around a happy person ... but will run like crazy from an unhappy one.
B.I.T.S
Formerly known as onStepAtATime Me:31 W:31 T:13 yrs M:8 yrs D: 20 months ILYBNILWY: 9/22/10 "I want a separation" 1/05/11
You are right of course I have to stop trying to understand her and get in her head. As you probably know, it just kills me to have to face, be in the same house as, and be married to some who very well may be lying to me, and basically planning her future life without me ( and not sharing this with me of course ). Only an evil person could do something's like this so cruel (if indeed she is lying and just waiting for the right time). The one who was your cherished lived one being so selfish and utterly hurtful. But I digress...
Lastnight was weird. We haven't hugged or kissed in weeks. Last night when heading out to meet the guys she leaned over and gave me a (dry, lifeless, short) kiss. Then this morning she seemed quite nice at breakfast. But I remind myself it all could be smoke and mirrors and just keep on living...
Last night when I came home at 12, I got into bed, but then got pissed off thinking about things so I went downstairs into the spare bed. I was thinking she would start to get the hint and see me in the morning downstairs. The only other time I did this she freaked out and came down in the middle of the night and asked me to come back to bed. So I knew this might get to her a bit. Then I realized I was trying to control her reaction and also I didn't want my daughter to wake up and see me down there so I went back into bed.
Today still doing well disconnecting. Really making progress here. It probably is bad, but the way I make progress on disconnecting is to reminding myself of how she hurt me, how angry I am with her, and also I think about her flaws, bad features, and the specifics about her body and appearance which might make her less attractive. Silly? Wrong? Unhealthy? Maybe but it works for me to move on and disconnect. Now to work on being happy and confident. I want to be my best. Yes some part of me wants her to look at me and remember why she loved me and why she wanted to be with me. But that could only ever happen if I get happy, confident, and strong. Not there now. Right now I am simply a disconnected spouse, with still hurt anger and pain evident (to just about anyone but certainly her).
Thanks for the comments. I always appreciate supportive replies.
Thanks for the link, very helpful about the LRT really being more about my life, than changing her behavior or my marriage. VERY true.
Journal: Very interesting night tonight.... She was nicer to me tonight, especially as I bonded with both kids all evening. Not sure why, but I am trying to think nothing of it. She seems to be just parenting and not being a "mom" lately. I have read this is normal for the "new woman" / WAW. Just letting the kids watch TV, etc and not really doing much with them. She is going out tonight with friends, but wanted to spend some time watching TV with D8 and I. Then when she was leaving for the evening, she came to me to give me a hug. I did hug back, but didn't really want it or care. I'm almost past that right now in my forced disconnect. Nice to see her making at least a little effort (not in front of anyone else). Fake, maybe, but it still felt nice to see her initiate it. I have been very careful in the last week to not say ILY, hug, kiss, anything. Just trying to move on. Maybe she notices? More likely it's just the daily roller coaster that I am trying to ignore. Didn't hurt that this was the most beautiful day ever weather wise....
Earlier in the night, we talked briefly about the challenges our S5 has with the local schools here, and that the school at home really is better for his needs dramatically. She said she will enroll the kids back at home for the next school year. She said the details "depends on our situation (or agreement, can't remember which)". Short version, she is intent to move home with or without me 1 year earlier than OUR 2 year contract here. I totally agree with the school here not being suitable for my S5's special needs, and he is MUCH better off back home at the school there, but we have not talked at ALL about the future, moving back, our situation, do we move back together, does she move back alone or what.
I can leave here early and go home. Some people at my work in the right places know the basics of what is going on and we can go home anytime without ill will or consequences. But it still pisses me off that this issue of the school seems to be the perfect window for her to have a reason to go home, no matter what. My biggest fear is the EA taking hold of her when we go back.
I left the discussion open and did not say very much. I VERY much want to talk about what she has in mind, do we separate and she goes back alone, or what. But I decided to just listen and that's all for now. I will say I WILL NOT let her take kids home and me stay here. I will not be away from my kids no matter waht. But on the other hand, we need some time apart, for her to figure out what she wants, and have space. So we will see. So if we go home all together, will we live in the house at home together, or will she get a place on her own, or ??
Time will tell, just living my life day by day now, and really moving on. Trying to see the negatives in her physically and otherwise to help disconnect, but hard to see the love of your life and the wife of your children in forced negative light....
I was thinking about my LRT behavior more this weekend...
I feel like I am ignoring her, which is actually quite true. I have been avoiding her and avoiding talking to her. How is she supposed to see the side of me she loved / could love if we don't even engage in conversation? Honestly unless I ask about the kids day, or dinner, or weekend schedule, we wouldn't talk much at all. She is still at the point of not bringing anything up. I am dying to know how her counseling session went, or how she feels now about us, or what she sees our future as, but I do NOT bring it up. I wonder if she really ever will. I don't think she will, but at some point we will have to talk about it, with regards to moving back, summer vacation planning, etc. I know when the summer plans come up, I will have to say something like "well, that depends on what is our situation after summer, will we be together, or moving back, or what?" She does occasionally have a tiny question about my work or something benign. Actually, the other day she asked what the guys and I did when we went out the other night, and she volunteered what her plans with the girls were. I just assumed it was part of the roller coaster.
QUESTION When she asks me questions, or engages me, and I supposed to remain coy, or use this opportunity to engage her, and give positive reinforcement?
I know overall the LRT is not about her, or her behavior, or less my relations to her, it is more about me, and my life moving on. I just get confused by how to relate to her during this time. If she sees me totally and utterly ignoring her and not wanting to even talk to her when she starts it, then she will be happy to let go and feel bitter (more) about me, making things worse. I wonder if she is too strong and stubborn to really react to me pulling away. Even if she did notice it and feel something, I think she would be too angry or lost to actually say anything to me. She never says anything about anything with regards to our relationship unless I ask. It's been like that for as long as I can remember.
Even when going to bed, usually she is in bed and asleep before I get in. Even if she is awake when we go to bed, we usually don't say goodnight. She has not been sleeping well at all lately. Which actually makes me feel good because it means she is really stressed or guilty about what her choices are.
1 week into the LRT in action (after 2 weeks away where I barely spoke to her), and it's tough moving. I am really good disconnecting, but confusion still remains of course.
Thanks for any comments. I can't wait until this delay goes away and I can post direct up. I understand why, but still tough.
