Have survived previous divorce which was irretrievable due to infidelity of ex-wife with one of my friends and work colleagues. Rebuilt myself and was happy with my lot. Lo and behold ran into an extraordinary woman..........
New and fantastic relationship going extremely well until 5 weeks ago when suddenly for no apparent reason the "ILYBINILWY" spouts forth.
Much talking ensued. No reasons available. She is unable to give any at all and doesn't seem interested in the introversion to find some. Is equivocal about counselling as she doesn't believe anyone can influence a feeling, they just happen.
We had everything going for us. 5 weeks ago she was unpacking my last boxes, grinning and hugging me as my DR and DB books were placed in the charity shop donation bag. She was posting everywhere "cheers to the next 50yrs" and we were planning timing of kids and round houses to live in. We nearly melted the bed at the Ice Hotel we were so hot. 1 week later, like a light went out there was nothing. One day perfect, the next disaster. No I love you, no touch, no eye gazing, no intimacy. I tolerated it for 2 weeks. Then I confronted her and she said she hadn't even realised. Week 3 she said she had used the retrospectoscope and there was something wrong but she didn't know what. We just "lost the spark. "Weeks 4 & 5 included lots of together time, lots of talking but no progress. Last night we broke up. She still wanted to be tactile. She seemed a little upset when I said I'd arranged house viewings and would start packing, and reiterated that I didn't need to move out so quickly. She was extremely tactile this morning, many mixed signals after the quite blunt and serious discussion about why things were over. More eye contact in 12 hrs than the last 5 weeks from her. I asked her what she was looking for and she said "nothing."
My problems are as follows:
(i)Do I move out quick or slow? Will the short sharp shock of me not being here be beneficial or do I stick around to see if I can surreptitiously change things. (ii) How do you help someone realise that relationships require effort. She feels that as it has been effortless up until now that the feelings should just be there without any. (iii) Do I just cut my losses and forget her, or battle for someone that I felt an amazing connection with, that I cohabit with effortlessly and has the same life views as me. (iv) Do I get on with counselling and get her to come in the hope that she'll open her mind rather than be so skeptical? (v) How do you deal with someone who says "forever is just a minute at a time" and seems to think that forever today is just that. It might not be forever by tomorrow.
I actually truly love this woman, despite her flaws and we were so perfect in terms of living together, raising kids, laughing and talking.
Reality is that which, if you don't believe in it, doesn't go away.
