Honestly Dbmod, I don't think that some of the people posting this advice is fully appraised on my situation. Maybe the most recent events, but not the whole situation.
Wow, there is so much to respond to... where to begin.
First, Dbmod is correct, my situation is heading in a very positive direction. There is not a chance in hell that I'm going to change my strategy at this point. So no worries there.
Second, there has been some talk about whether or not I am being honest with myself and my W about anger that I may feel about W's actions during our S. Maybe this is a result of me not posting every thought that i have or every part of every conversation that I have with W. Certainly there has been anger. My W knows how I feel. She knows that I don't like what she did. But I've also been very clear with her that I understand my role in causing what happened. That is NOT me taking 100% of the blame for an A. It is me acknowledging that my M went to sh!t and I was the catalyst. My W worked her a*s off for years holding our R together. She was faithful and loving ... and I neglected her emotional needs. I own that. If I don't, I am doomed to repeat it.
My W also acknowledges that she used poor judgment after she left me. In her mind, she was completely DONE with our M... she had given me chance after chance after chance to change... see had no reason to think that this time would be any different. The only reason that she did not file for D was bc she could not afford it and I would not assist her in beginning the D process in any way, shape or form.
My W was, however, emotionally divorce from me. Do her actions during our S constitute an A? I don't know... I guess it depends on your definition and your perspective. I will leave each of you to your own opinion. Sometimes, I look at it that way, other times, I do not.
Have I dealt with my anger over the situation? Probably not completely. But I have processed through it quite a bit both here and in IC.
The bottom line is this... I would rather be married than right. Newcomers... cut and paste that line and add it to your solution journal if you keep one. Would you rather be married or right???
So... I have chosen to forgive my W.
My ability to forgive her has brought us closer to one another as the days have passed. My focus on communicating my feelings to W in a loving and understanding way have brought us closer to one another each and every day.
My W always doubted that I loved her in our former R/M... she has now seen that I've walked through the gates of hell for her... she is finally beginning to believe my love for her... bc I am showing it to her.
Harrier... you are correct. Piecing is something that will never be a done deal. I believe that and understand it.
Boundaries with OM? No need. That R is over. My W HAS been fully upfront with me about where that stands... she has been brutally honest with me since our dinner on February 10th. She could have come back to me and NEVER told me about her R with OM ... I would have never known of it. In fact, she had friends tell her NOT to tell me. But she is an honest person who I know could have never lived with that lie.
Why is this important... because it explains why I trust my W after everything that has happened. It explains why I feel no need to take any hard line approach with my W.
I got here by learning, growing and becoming a better person. I have shown my W my changes through actions... not through words or threats.
The result? My W is falling back in love with me.
UPDATE...
Last night, my W and I had our first MC session. Our therapist is a solutions based therapist who bases his practice on MWD's principles. He has gone to multiple training sessions conducted by MWD.
Our first session could NOT HAVE GONE BETTER!!
He listened to W about the the problems in our M and what she wants going forward with our R. She said that she wants our M to work if we can fix those problems... that she has always loved me. My W said that she is proceeding with caution, that she is scared that things will go back to the way that they were before she left. He asked her what has happened that has caused her to consider reconciling with me... her response:
"Denver has changed and it seems different than the the other times where he'd change for a month or two and go back to the way he was. I can see it in the way that he reacts to things happening around him and even see it in his energy. He does not seem at all like the man that I have known for 8 years."
Then the therapist turned to me and asked me what I want. I told him that I don't want my old M, that I don't want an average M... I want W and I to have a GREAT M. That I am fully committed to that. Then I went through all of the things that I have learned about myself over the last 4 months and how those things prevented my M from thriving. My insecurities, my fear of intimacy, my fear of sharing my heart with my W... and how I knew the instant that my W announced that she was leaving that I needed to change... not for my W, but for ME. Because I don't want to live my life the way that I have... whether or not I am with my W going forward.
Therapist then asked me how I saw the typical day in my M if my W moves back into the home... I had a plan, an answer to every question that he had for me on how I would be different and thus, how our M would be different. I had this plan and these answers because I have worked... I have worked very, very hard over the past 4 months.
The therapist then turned to my W and gave me the biggest compliment that anyone could... he said:
"Wow. This is a man who seems to have made some very profound changes. Do you believe it?"
My W:
"I really do."
W and I scheduled another session for next week. W told me later in the evening that she is going to let her landlord know that she is not renewing her lease. She did NOT promise that she is moving back into the home, but she is strongly considering it. -----------------
Newcomers who have WAS's ...
There is no magic answer that anyone here can give you to get your S back into your arms. MWD cannot give you that answer. What DB does is gives you a framework in which to give yourself the best chance possible at accomplishing that.
However, every situation is different which means that success will vary... and that you will have to adjust the DB framework to fit your specific situation.
For me... the keys to my success have been:
1) Patience
2) Time
3) Focus - on my strategy ... on maintaining composure during my interactions with my W ... even when things were at their worst.
4) Loving detachment - not complete detachment... but enough to survive emotionally.
5) GAL - Again for emotional survival... but also to pique my W's interest.
6) 180s - This has been huge. One thing that I see way too much with others here is that their 180s are NOT for themselves but with the goal of winning their S back. I probably started that way too. TRUE 180s, however, are what's needed. You will know if they are true 180's if they start to make you feel better about the person who you are... I have a few that have literally made me a happier person. I will write about them another time.
7) Unconditional Love - Love that is without conditions or expectations. I told my W in February that the one thing that she could NOT reject from me was my love. I meant it. TRUE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE is very difficult to give... especially if there is an A ... but it is also very difficult to turn away from. If you can give your S that... your chances of recovering your M in the long run increase 10 fold IMO.
There have been recent posts on my thread about being tougher and/or setting boundaries...
Early on in my sitch I was faced with the choice of being tough ... or doing the things that I just listed...
It was a tough choice. I admit. If you would have asked me a year ago how I would have responded to many of the things that have happened to me over the last 4 months, I would have told you that I wouldn't have put up with a single second of it. In fact, when I first confronted my W about her R with OM back in November, I threatened his life. I was not being literal, but had he been present, I would have hurt him. What I am saying is that I am not someone who lies down to a challenge... and I am a person that will fight when me or my family is threatened. My career requires is very confrontational and requires me to be tough, strong and argumentative.
The way that you fight... the approach that you take... the words that you use... ALL take thought and cunning.... not brute strength.
So for those who think that I need to toughen up with my W, or believe that I have rolled over...
The proof is in the pudding.
Thanks to everyone who continues to support me here.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
could not be happier for you, my friend..............let the naysayers, spout all they want......you know where you are right now........exactly where you want to be
Denver your last post really spoke to me. Especially the part about true 180's. It has made me realize that I have been doing them in hopes of repairing my M and not for ME. You are right, a true 180 should make me feel good about myself, not make me look better in my H's eyes. Thank you for posting that.
I wish you and your W nothing but the best. And please, keep posting.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
Denver - thanks so much for posting that! It helps me know I am heading down the right path and gives me some additional hope. I think I will want to refer back to that often. You da man!
Hot damn Denver...sounds like it's almost time to go to Casa Bonita and celebrate with some sopapillas!!
Its funny...I have envisioned what MC would be like and my ideal first session is EXACTLY what just happened for you. Hopefully I'll get there someday. It is interesting...my W moved back home, but I still feel like you and your W are light years ahead emotionally of where my sitch is. I'd be interested to get your 2 cents on my latest posts in my thread.
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
Denver. I have read your whole situation. Every word.
It's not about tearing apart a situation (sorry if you see it that way). It's about giving people advice. I don't want to see Denver make a mistake in not dealing with something, but sometimes you just have to let them.
AND it's not about being married or right. Right or wrong doesn't work here. My post was NEVER, NEVER about being right, but about being HONEST with your spouse and yourself. We didn't get here because our M had great communication and everyone was open and honest about their feelings.
Will you be married at ALL COSTS...just to stay married? The boards here are littered with tales of LBS who took their wives back too soon or before they had dealt with issues simply because they wanted to be married again. They thought the proof was in their pudding as well. Sadly, many of these stores did not turn out well.
Strut now Denver. But don't get to arrogant because you are in for one heck for a ride.
I wish you all the luck in the world.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Been with you from just about the beginning on your sitch. I remember the anger you had when you found out about OM. I remember a lot of people especially the bits spending time with you on this. I think you worked very, very hard to get through that anger. I also think that you have worked incredibly hard to analyze your situation from every angle, seeing what your part was in the breakdown and ultimately acknowledging the issues that were within.
I have seen many false starts within my own sitch towards reconciliation. All of them were way too soon and ultimately failed. I just don't see that at all in your situation. I see that you have been deliberate in examining yourself, making changes and seeking to understand your W. I also know that you will continue to be deliberate in the reconciliation process and ultimately in your new marriage. You have clearly imparted some incredible and well thought out wisdom here that all of us could use in whatever phase we happen to be in with our marriages.
Words cannot express how proud I am of you. Words cannot express the gratitude I feel towards you in all that you have taught me. May God bless your steps and as always, I'm praying for you.
