my 9 year old s, has been really feeling the separation as of late my h is usually with us until bedtime, and as soon as he leaves, the nightmare begins he texts my h, gets very quiet, or talks to himself
we are seeking a good therapist
his teacher says he is falling way behind, will not participate with the others, complains of stomach pain, etc.............
my brother in law (who my h has the utmost respect for) called both of us last night he said there is no way we should be thinking of divorce while our s is clearly in so much troube after speaking to him, my h called me crying
he told me that he wants us to move in with him, but this in no way means he wants to work on our marriage
we have tried before and it didn't work
however, he agrees that we need to be under one roof right now
i am very torn,,,,,,,,,,i will do whatever it takes to give my s some peace, but my h was so angry about this
he said he hates to take this giant step backward, but will do anything for our s
he cursed the universe and asked why his s had to be so frail to which i set a boundary right away i told him if that was his attitude, i could not have my child with him and that we would come up with another solution to help him i was calm, but firm he told me that would be the first and last time he would vent that way
part of me thinks this could be a step toward reconcilliation the other thinks it might be a disaster, i need a moment to really think this thru
to be clear, he said it would be a very temporary thing that we would get counciling for all of us on how to deal with this
My first reaction to your post was it didnt seem like a good idea to move back together for your son I know it is difficult on the kids, my Daughter was 11 son 5 when bomb hit My D took it much harder it was a difficult time Living with my xh at the time was a nightmare for me he stayed out all hours of the night didnt speak to me left the room when I entered it finally when he moved out, the house became peaceful and my healing probably began In my opinion, living with a MLCer is very difficult Many on the board have done it Every situation is different, and It is a great idea to seek help for everyone involved Take your time to make the decision
I think a few things helped my kids the most:
I started to sit with each of them at night and talk and mostly LISTEN I always told them it wasnt their fault, there was nothing they could do to prevent this I always said kind words about their dad to this day I explained that Dad is not sure what he wants now in his life, and sometimes grown ups have to take some time to heal and grow inside and figure things out Dad was not a bad person, but he had soul searching to do and we had to let him go.
My xh left the state and has no contact with us, so we literally had to let him go My kids seem ok to me they both talk to me and do well in school
You will figure it out It takes time your s will adjust I think as hard as it is, if the kids seem to think we are ok,and we will get thru it, they will be ok peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
What male role models are around for your son right now ?
Maybe your BIL could take a little time every once in a while to provide a little male guidance for this young man .
What I see is, that your son is struggling through right now because he sees you struggling through right now.
I know this is hard, and I know it sux , but it only has to suk as much as you let it suk.
I have been through this, not only as a parent, as a child too.
And the thing I wanted the most, was for one of my parents to fight for me.
To sit me down and be as honest as possible with me...
To have some sense of normalcy and routine in my life.
That can happen if you make it happen for him.
You don't have to look toward your husband for it to start.
It can start when you sit him down and explain that you are just as lost right now as he is, and you hurt just as much as he does, but somehow, if you are open and honest with each other, you can find a way to get through these times. And that you both love your husband enough to let him find his way. Right now, his way doesn't include you, and at times, not him either. And it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, it means he doesn't know how to show it right now.
Grr, you aren't going to be able to look toward your husband for anything at this time. You aren't going to be able to rely on his word to be true , or his actions to align with his words.
IF this is MLC....get used to it.
I can tell you this...BOTH of you being lost, isn't helping...
There is no room for both of you to spin during this time.
Maybe talk to your husband and work out specific days that he will spend with your son. Put up a calender with his days on it. Something to build a sense of excitement for him.
Be the memory today, you want your son to have tomorrow.....
If it's to be a temporary solution, I don't know that it wouldn't be setting your son up for another blow. A good counselor can be worth their weight in gold. My D went through a few before she found one she could really connect with. It's something to talk about with your son (finding the right one for him ).
One of the things that helped my D's was to write what they had trouble talking about. They did it in letters, stories, poems etc. They also use art as a way to express themselves. I am very fortunate that they are willing to share this with me and it has led to some amazing conversations.
It's really smart of you to take time to consider this. If you're a list person, maybe write out the pro's and con's and stare at it for awhile.
Not only do we wake up from the nightmare I think we just wake up eventhough you cant see it now, you can use the many LBS here on the boards as a guide to know that when we follow the path deal with the pain let go do the best we can we will awaken in a better place I had a real dream a long time ago about being in a swamp(mid life LAND) iN THE DREAM i COULD SEE THIS ROAD, it was beautiful by the beach all clean, people walking in nice clothes and cute strollers..The air was crisp and sky was blue..I knew the road intuitively in the dream was the awakening ..but the swamp was where I was for a while I finally reached the road..while nothing is perfect..Life is very good to me Wishing you the best Peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Mach had some very good points and ideas, BUT, only make that calender with your H if he is going to hold up his end of the deal. I can't tell you the heartbreak of watching my D stand at the end of the driveway waiting on her Dad to show up when she was a little girl. Maybe he would show up, maybe not. She would wait and wait, and eventually come back in the house in tears.
Just don't let your son get set up for another disappointment.
