What male role models are around for your son right now ?
Maybe your BIL could take a little time every once in a while to provide a little male guidance for this young man .
What I see is, that your son is struggling through right now because he sees you struggling through right now.
I know this is hard, and I know it sux , but it only has to suk as much as you let it suk.
I have been through this, not only as a parent, as a child too.
And the thing I wanted the most, was for one of my parents to fight for me.
To sit me down and be as honest as possible with me...
To have some sense of normalcy and routine in my life.
That can happen if you make it happen for him.
You don't have to look toward your husband for it to start.
It can start when you sit him down and explain that you are just as lost right now as he is, and you hurt just as much as he does, but somehow, if you are open and honest with each other, you can find a way to get through these times. And that you both love your husband enough to let him find his way. Right now, his way doesn't include you, and at times, not him either. And it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, it means he doesn't know how to show it right now.
Grr, you aren't going to be able to look toward your husband for anything at this time. You aren't going to be able to rely on his word to be true , or his actions to align with his words.
IF this is MLC....get used to it.
I can tell you this...BOTH of you being lost, isn't helping...
There is no room for both of you to spin during this time.
Maybe talk to your husband and work out specific days that he will spend with your son. Put up a calender with his days on it. Something to build a sense of excitement for him.
Be the memory today, you want your son to have tomorrow.....
