no more bolt

[Bolt]

I know I shouldn't post with anything remotely positive bc I know the next post will be completely the opposite
(I've been on these boards for a few months so I know how it works)

I did think I was going to be a success story as well. You know what though? I still think I will.

If not for the marriage, for myself.

But as far as the marriage, I did talk to W last night and it went the whole gamut of emotions. It started out with her being very angry. She said she hasn't loved me for 2 years and that she isn't attracted to me. That I never listen and never will. I don't respect her feelings and have always tried to control her. I validated and db'd like a madman. I knew I was in the fight of my life and wasn't going to give in. She did start to soften and then let a little ray of hope. She said that until we started the actual move, she was feeling positive about working on things. But the trip "showed my true colors". I agreed that the trip was awful but I explained to her that it wasn't my true colors, it was my true fear. I didn't want to leave CA because it was my home. I was lashing out to stay even though I KNEW it was the right thing to move.

Then the car accident and nearly dying, put me in a pretty weird state of mind. So in short, I said, you can't really hold anything I did or say against me there.

She then went into the mode of me never trying and that she is simply done. She said that she has done everything she can and simply can't find any love.

I said that we, as a couple, haven't given it all because I am NOW fully here and fully aware of what is going on. I said that we deserve it to ourselves, to each other, and our kids to give it one last major try. One last push so that we both have given it our all. Together, working toward a goal, not knowing if it will work.

and believe it or not, she agreed.

We then got into a more agreeable conversation. How we would divide responsibilities during this time. She still wanted me to file in CA - with the caveat of canceling it if things were working in a month.

Now, I know, a month isn't a long time and it does seem it's just prolonging the inevitable but I'm looking at it as I have a month to start getting myself truly better. I get to work with her on it but realize it is for me. It's simply a bonus if she comes along with me.

I can guarantee one thing. I will work my tail off for this. I know what I need to change now. Can I? Only time will tell. They say sometimes its only when you hit rock bottom that you can truly bounce back. I'm 100% convinced this is my rock bottom. Divorce is a bounce - I want to be a better person regardless of a divorce or not.

the only big thing I have going for me at this point is that for some crazy reason, she wants to file in CA. I talked to an A about this and he said if I file in CA, then jurisdiction is in CA and therefore, the kids would remain in CA...we are in Ohio right now and can't file in Ohio for 6 months. This may just buy me 6 months of separation before filing.

Is it positive news? I'm not sure. I'm meeting with her today to discuss things further. Maybe being face to face will make more positive changes...I don't know.

What I do know is that certain people truly influence the way my wife thinks. I know that she talked to her sister about this and her sister got into her head. Its too bad bc if her sister cared about her and her family, she wouldn't put these bad thoughts in her head. It's just something else I have to deal with.

the long and the short is the story of Bolt isn't over. maybe of Bolt's marriage but definitely...DEFINITELY...not bolt...