It's been a long time since I last posted -- October 2010. The last time I posted my W and I had visited a pair of mediators (conversation can be found in the link below) and I think were a bit taken by everything involved with mediation and she also said, "My husband is not the same person I wanted to divorce 6 mos. ago."
Fast forward to the present.
We agreed to see a mediator of my choosing. It never happened. She asked once or twice before the holidays and then we both stopped talking mediation. But she's also not talking reconciliation. We continued living together but emotionally apart with our two kids. Her speech makes more references to the future, but she's incapable of showing much care towards me.
As our kids' 3rd birthday approached I was ready to put my foot down and tell her that I AM inviting my family to their party (last year she requested separate family parties). I told her that I was sending invites to my family and her reply was 'OK." She hasn't seen anyone in my family in over a year.
Then things got even weirder. Her family has a place in Italy that they go to most summers. She said to me one night, "My father invited us to Italy in August. What do you think?" We had last been there 2 years ago. I wanted to laugh. I never gave her a direct answer but she assumes that I will go. I told her dad that, unless his daughter and I are working on our M, then I am not going to Italy. It would be unhealthy for me. If she is willing to try couples counseling, then I am on the plane. I can't go to Italy to be ignored by her and be forced to deal with her family. Too lonely a feeling. I am concerned about backing her into a corner with that feeling of mine. She knows she couldn't handle two 3 year old boys without me.
We went to her grandmother's 90th birthday party at which she basically ignored me. Would barely stand next to me in pics, and would barely introduce me to anyone unless they asked about me. Why drag me along if you don't want to deal with me?
My therapist wants to call her and invite her to a session to try couples counseling. I am too emotionally paralyzed to talk to her about it. We both are. We can talk about anything else -- just not that.
Her father is pressuring me to make a decision, planning has to be done for the trip and here I am unable to tell her that I will not go without her and I doing something positive.
She assumes I like being around her family and doesn't care (or understand) how hard it is for me. It is emotionally taxing to pretend.
My feeling is that she is just as confused as me and is more willing to live together than in the past. My T believes that I have somehow made myself indispensable to her and now we're both stuck. This has been going on 13 months and I am finding it harder and harder to cope.
I would go and endure what ever happens. A change of scenery could do a lot of good. Also, planes run from Italy to the US every hour. I would jump at the chance to be far away from home with my WAH. What part of Italy? I loooove Italy, sadly my H and I have spent so much time there. Hell, if my H asked me to Palm Springs in Aug. I would go, just to see what the mood was like.
me:51 H: 48 No kids together M:14 years seperated:Ask him to GET OUT 3/21/11 Piecing 09/14
Why do you think you are so paralyzed at this time? Why do you think your wife willing to be in limbo?
This is EXACTLY the type of situation the DB Coaches excel at. Some therapists are very good at this too, some make it worse.
Your words "I am finding it harder and harder to cope" concern me. You really do need to keep a professional involved. No one here can give you expert advice, although we are here to support you. I think you should get this help SOONER rather than later.
The most important thing is to take care of your own mental and emotional well-being, you're worth it. If you need to talk to someone immediately:
