OK, I am going to continue to Journal here even though few replies. Would like opinions.
My mood is good. Distancing is going very well, much better than expected. I can see myself alone and it is ok. I force myself to not be in the room when she is changing, leaving the room when she goes into shower, and keeping my distance after the kids go to bed to do my own thing. I have not been crying, much less hurting, still alot of anger. Not yet able to be myself around her. She has been very distant and angry last few days, clearly keeping distance. I almost feel sorry for her. It seems lately that the worse her mood is, and the more distant she acts, the more secure I feel. Almost as if, "who would want someone so angry and depressed all the time". I feel worst when she is happy and we seem to be relating well, because I fear of false hope, and I think she may just be playing a game keeping the peace until it is her time to want to exit. All I can do is control myself, my emotions, spend time with kids, and enjoy MY life.
Last night we were talking, and were laughing about something about one of the kids (happily, relaxed, not forced). She immediately found herself happy and laughing with me, and stopped it on purpose. It was obvious.
So yes I need to give it a few weeks for LRT to take hold. I get that. It feels wrong because the more I don't say or ask, the more she seems to pull away and be angry about it. We will see. I AM staying the path. We did talk about random stuff last night, but just logistics. I think she said 2 words at dinner. I was asking about the kids days, and all that stuff, she kept silent. Hard thing for me is to avoid small talk. Not prying, but just "hey this is going on with so and so". Normal stuff. I am having a hard time letting that go and need to do it.
However I can TOTALLY see how our having kids, living in the same house, is not giving her the "space" she needs. I can totally be in her head right now, seeing how she needs some space. But between dinners, kids activities, mornings, sleeping in same bed, and weekends, we still spend lots of time around each other and with each other. We live so far away from "home" for now that we simply have to be in close contact. There simply is not enough space to be had given our current situation unless we move home, where the EA OM is, which is why I am not wanting to do that. I almost think if we had a controlled separation it would be better for her to think, and if this relationship can fulfill her long term needs. She needs some space to remember the good times and realize how what she is feeling is fantasy not real. However I am fully aware that it could go the other way and it would be over, I am ready for that.
I am using this time to bond with my children, 8 and 5. The 8 and I are super solid, even more than the 8 is with my W. My 5, I need to work my way closer to his heart. He and I are totally good, but still a mommy's boy, and I want to be closer to him no matter what happens. So I am focusing on both of them without smothering them. Playing, spending time, watching movies, snuggling, playing, cooking together, and everything. I hate the thought of divorce and even though they would be ok, the fact that they would have to endure this due to selfishness is hard to take.
