Take The Long Way Home...

[OnMyWay]

Crap, FORB. That royally stinks.

That happened to me, too a few weeks back. The only thing I had left to do was, the next day, non-chalantly confront her and agree. I calmly told my her it was ok and to get it done. When she asked me why I changed my mind, I told her simply, if that was what she truly felt was best for her, then there was nothing I had to say about it and that I would look forward to seeing what she & her L had to offer. I put it all back on her.

Two and a half weeks later, I'm still waiting. She has no idea what she's doing.

Best of luck to you, buddy. I've been there. I know what you are going through. I feel for you.

[Denver_2010]

FOBD - I am so sorry to hear this, but what your W told you is just information. You now know where she currently stands. It does not have to mean the end for your M though. It is only over if YOU decide that it is over.

My advice to you:

1) Do not bring the subject of D up when you have contact with you W;

2) If she brings it up, remind her that it is not what you want... short and sweet ... no long speeches about why.

3) If she asks you to help with or pay for filing for a D, politely inform her that you will NOT do either... Tell her that you will cooperate, but will not help end your M.

4) Unfortunately, I have to go back to having the opinion that you need to go very dark for a long period of time. Your W knows where you stand. She needs to see what life will be like if she follows through with a D... that means no FOBD whatsoever.

5) GAL ... Do more things that make FOBD happy...

6) Detach from the situation.

I am still with you FOBD...

BITS
Denver

[ninelives]

FOBD:

i echo what the BITS have said and I also cannot take away this massive pain you have in your heart. WE all know what that feels like.

I guess all I can say is be that man that we saw glimpses of at the wedding. Self confident, charming etc..

I know you are at perhaps your lowest point but YOU KNOW that someday, it will be better , you just have to live long enought to get to that day.

EVERY day I question and cant accept what my wife has done like its some really bad dream but the reality is, IT IS REAL.

I AM NOT what she wants right now and may never be.

i do believe they have glimpses of remorse but not enough to change their behaviour of choices. YOU CANNOY change that no matter how illogical it seems to you.

PLEASE be well FOBD.

We all care about you on this site.

9

[Brian in Hville]

I concurr FOBD..You now know where she stands. If you still want the M, then keep working at it. Even if you do get D, you can still DB. It's only over when YOU say it's over. I feel for you brother. I really do. You are already on my prayer list.

[2stepboogie]

Tonight my W informed me that she no longer sees any reason for us to continue

Actually she said that the minute she moved out. The only difference now is that after you put in all your hard work you expected a different result. Why is that? See DB has no time table for some it is 3 months for others it is 2yrs everyone comes around at a different pace. Just breathe!

I tried to argue but was meant with anger and venom.

Everytime. Last night you got blind sided so you reacted with emotions. Today you have to regroup and decide where to go from here. YOU have to decide, not your W.

All you need to know is this, six months of giving her space, playing nice and showing her support apparently did nothing to fix inside her head the reasons why she left months ago.

Did you do it to play nice? Did you do it expecting her to come running back? You did it to kill the old you and to be the new you, therefore what she does and does not do means nothing to you. She told you she wants a D? Ok. My W not only told me that she filed already. The term doing without expectations begins to become more clear with time. Do...because it is who you are not because you want something.

I am a shattered human being right now

You WILL recover. You WILL survive. You WILL be better.

In every bad situation, there are always winners and losers.

You are correct sir!! In this case winners and losers is not determined by who saved their M and who did not. It is determined by who walked away from all of this a better person and who did not. So yes. There are winners and losers. We win! They lose!

but you CANNOT make someone love you who does not.

No you can't, but even if you could you would not want to make them do anything. Do for you!!!

I still and always will love you

Then tighten up your boot straps and hang on. Always is a big word.

FOBD:

I am sorry you had to hear those words last night, but all they are is a new beginning to what you have to do. Hang tight and refocus the best is yet to come

[♪CS♪]

2step is 100% right here FOBD. Look at all of the situations around you. My W has told me she wants a D. Many others have already filed. Some are only days from their D's being final. Some are already D! None of this means it has to be the nail in the coffin.

You decide, no one else.

[Redo]

FOBD: I have not followed your sitch from the very begining, but have for the most part. I am so sorry you are in this position.

My Wife left for 6 months in 2009, with our daughter. Then she came back. But a completely different person. More angry, constantly resentful etc. Looking back in 2010, she asked me to do a lot of things which i did (financially). I had no clue that she was all along planning to file for divorce in 2011. She filed for it in Jan. And from then on she has proceeded at a constant pace, carefully making sure that she gets what she wants like in a business deal.

So take it from a guy who has been on this hell road for a while. Don't take the filing for divorce as the end of the road. It is not. A million things can change from now till it is final. I would say even after the divorce is final, it does not mean anything. In my case i think my wife will come out of her fog only when the divorce is finalized. Sometimes i believe a WAW needs that finality that realize that they have thrown away a good thing in their lives.

As others have suggested, i would say:

1: Dont be proactive toward this D. Be reactive. Which means that if she wants info, take time and give it. If you dont she will build resentment. But you have to convey that D is NOT how you would have approached.

2: Be strong. During the process of D, lots of sensitive topics may come up. Be the rock here. If she vents, validate, but also let her know that this was her choice. Not yours.

[FellOnBlackDays]

BITS,
As usual so many of you replied to my call for help, I can't possibly thank all of you individually. But, I hope each and every one of you know how much I appreciate and cherish your ideas, support and assistance. My father was right. The world does have a nice share of really good people, you just know how to find them. Well, I have found them here!

Well, the sun did come up this morning and I was able to go to work. Unfortunately, I woke up in a puddle of tears. Apparently, I was crying in my sleep this morning and didn't even realize it. I struggled through my day, spent much of it sick to my stomach, and made my way home. Unfortunately, the situation hit me like a ton of bricks when I walked through the back door this evening and I collapsed again when I got home. I can now honestly say that this has been the lowest part of my life in my 39 years on this planet.

Today as I tried to work, a never-ending replay of what went down last night played on and on in my head. I still don't know who that person was in my house last night. She looked like my wife, she talked like my wife, but she was not my wife. She was cold, venomous,calculated and cruel. I have never in my entire 15 years with her ever seen my wife be so cruel. It was almost as though she was enjoying it at times. What they say is true. Those you love you can bring the most pain when they try.

The thing that I can't shake is now realizing that she was playing me and stringing me along the entire time. The weeks of nice phone calls, the hugs, everything!!! It was all a set up. I noticed a trend forming, but I chose to ignore it. It went something like this:

Weeks of darkness on her part
Suddenly a nice phone call for a day or two
Third day a request for money or things
Visit to get things in which pleasantries were exchanged
Once money or goods were in hand, total darkness again

I kept watching it happen, but did nothing. It was all just a ploy to get what she wanted. And, last night when I finally had the guts to ask her for the couple of things that I had requested in the past (but she always "mysteriously" forgot to bring them when we would see each other), she told me I was screwed. With little or no regard for me or my feelings she simply told me that she was placating me all along and that she never really intended to give me any of the stuff I requested. Her final comment was, "I think I have given enough over the years, I don't feel the need to give you anything else." Her behavior last night, at times, was nothing short of awful. She even got pissed off when I politely asked her to leave the house immediately. 15 years together and now I am nothing more than a "negotiation" to her. A negotiation that she is apparently going to win at all cost. It was all just a set up the entire time.

I also now pretty much know why she came to my brother's wedding. It was her "farewell tour." It had nothing to do with me or my SIL. It was her way of telling everyone there "goodbye." I am now completely disgusted by the thoughts of this woman. BITS you can say what you want. But these are the words of a very calm man this evening. My wife, no, ex-wife now disgusts me. She has spent months planning this entire thing and I am not really sure if I could ever trust or love this woman again.

The biggest reason why I was so devastated last night is that I had built myself up. I was living on the fact that she had not once in six months mentioned the word S or D. I was taking great solace in the fact that it appeared our S was nothing more than time apart. But, it wasn't in her mind. She openly admitted last night that the only reason she waited to file for the D was she didn't want to interfere with my brother's wedding. But, now that it is over, she is ready to proceed full speed ahead.

I am a fool. I have spent so much time on here going on and on about how a good LBS had to work as hard as she or he can to politely and carefully derail the plans of their WAS. I, for so very long, convinced myself that I was doing this and that I was on the right track. I was on to nothing. I was being duped like and idiot American tourist in a foreign city. My wife isn't a confused, lost individual. She is a cold blooded snake that waited and played nice for weeks while I let her rape our home for possessions and rape me for my peace of mind. For weeks while she still had possessions in the house that she needed, all my requests were met with, "Sure, I will agree to that, just not now. Can we do this later?" To which I foolishly replied, "Sure." Well, now that she has pretty much cleared out the house, my requests are now met with, "Well, I no longer agree to that and I am not going to comply." 15 years. 15 years and now she is not going to comply.

Please know that as a long-term member of this forum, I am promising to each and every one of you here that I will not plot any revenge. I cannot. I am worth ten times what my w is worth. Last night, before she drew her sword and commenced to hacking me to pieces, she did say that she would like for us to personally handle the divorce and not involve an A. In principle, I will agree to this to her face. But, I have already put an A on retainer and I will use him as an advisory council through out the process. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I get an attorney...

We talk on here a lot about the fact that we as the LBS truly decide when it is over. Well, I am here to tell you it is over. Tonight after I cried a puddle on my kitchen floor, I changed clothes and took a nap. I had three hours of sleep last night and arrived home this evening very tired. When I awoke from my nap, I made myself a nice meal, called a few friends and then decided the crying is over. This is now a fight and I will protect myself. Over the next few nights, I will construct my plan for my defense and end this thing in a way that lets me retain the majority of my personal worth while ridding myself of her presence. If the LBS gets to say it's done, I am here to say it is done. I cannot possibly ever love this woman again. Last night, I was nothing but a "mark" in her scheme. I don't think I have ever been treated as badly as I was last night by a family member, co-worker, friend or person on the street. What love I still had for my wife died a horrible bloody death on the floor of my den last night.

The future is about me from now on. If she ends up broke and living on the bad side of town for the rest of her life, so be it. That is the choice she made and I will not save her from it. I will no longer feel sympathy for her as though she is some lost child in the grocery store. She is not lost, she is very much found in her own mind. And, she can no longer be trusted or loved. But, I can. I can trust and love myself. And, I will. When all this is over, I am going to make some woman very, very happy someday. And, I hope it is another LBS. I hope that someday I get to rescue another LBS and we get to "kill our demons from the past" together. My new W is out there somewhere, I just haven't met her yet.

BITS, I will remain on this forum to support all those that are here. Everyone of us came here for help and I feel that I owe it to my fellow BITS to continue to come and assist those that are in need. But, as for me, there is nothing left to say. What is done is done and there is no turning back. Tomorrow is a new day in ways that words cannot describe. Every morning that I wake up from this point forward is one day closer to meeting the person that I will spend the rest of my life with. I can't wait to meet her!!!

BITS never walk alone!

FOBD

[OnMyWay]

FORB:

This will sound strange, but GREAT JOB!

While the results are not what was expected, but you truly are the KING of DBers!

You now have a life, a future, and a whole bunch of self respect. I only hope I can be where you are when I'm at the end of my story, whatever that end may be.

Best of luck to you, brother. You are finally on your way!

[♪CS♪]

Well FOBD, once again you have left me pretty speechless. All I can really say now is good luck. The truth is many of us will ultimately end this journey with D. But that is also a new beginning. Everything you learned here still holds true. Be the best FOBD you can be.