Brian, you are missing the point. This is not about "getting over it or not." In a way it really has nothing to specifically with an A. It has a lot to do with being open and honest with your spouse. Now unless you are superhuman, I cannot believe you'd be okay with your wife having a PA. I cannot believe that you would not be mad at her for doing that. Do you think people deserved to be cheated on then?
I would not be ok emotionally if she had a PA (which I think she is anyways). But I would not get mad. That isn't healthy for me. What she does from here till we get back together is out of my control. I can only fix me right now.
Originally Posted By: Harrier
Heck, if you look at some of Denver's early posts, he was clearly angry with W. But he has, too much IMO, focused his anger on the OM. The OM is a symptom of the problems in the M. I know Denver has looked at the causes, he still has a lot of anger at the OM...to the point of almost painting his W as unwilling participant in her own Affair. The anger at the OM is completely justified, but if he buries anger at his W over the Affair, he is doing a disservice to him, his spouse and ultimately his marriage.
I know DB says that you shouldn't show your W anger. But it doesn't, I believe, say you shouldn't have it. If you are truly working on the marriage, you have to work on everything warts and all.
Again, I stress. Being angry for your wife's actions doesn't mean acting out of control. There are effective ways to bring it up without losing control. It doesn't mean you don't love your wife,It doesn't mean you don't respect her, it doesn't mean you don't want to work on the marriage. In fact, marriage studies have shown how often a couple fights has little bearing on their overall happiness with the marriage.
I have 2 kids, I love them unconditionally. Do I get mad at them, at times. Do they get mad at me? You bet. does it mean our relationship is broke? Heck no.
Now Denver and you could give 2 craps about what I'm saying. But I believe my marriage is where it is today because my W and I have much better communication and honesty.
I'm sure we both appreciate you sharing your wisdom. But every sitch is different. I totally agree that better communication is the key to a better relationship. To me, it's not worth it to talk about a PA when there are much bigger issues to deal with (to me, my behavior/actions that lead to this point and how I am changing). There is a time and place to discuss everything. For Denver, I can't tell you when that time is. For me, it would be AFTER reconcilliation (I need a spell checker!).
