It's Time To Rock; Part II

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Gr8, how long were you and wife apart and was she involved with Om before she came back.

Did it seem really hopeless at the time and did you believe that your wife really didnt love you anymore?

How did she get that back for you?

We are still apart. She didn't leave me for OM but I know she was not faithful. Brief timeline:
8.21.09- bomb
11.01.09 - W moves out
02.10 -W suggests we see mediator to draw up a post
marital agreement.
4.10 - I find out W slept with someone.
5.10 - W and I meet to finally divide our assets and talk
about the kids schedule. During this talk I asked her if
she wanted a D, and if she thought that was the best
thing for us. She said yes to both.
From That point I chose to move on with me live and I did
start to date OW. I was happy for months and it
showed.W wasn't any happier without me.
9.10 - W finds out through friend that I'm dating and calls me
to R talk. I told her I was in a happy place now and she
was miserble. I told her it's not attractive and she
needs to find what makes her happy.
10.10 - W calls to try to work on things. I agree.
Big Mistake!!!


11.10-12.10 We go on dates, 4 total. I sense her pulling away again. We wait for after X-mas and I call her out on her behavior. She tells me she's not "feeling it". Back to mediation.
There's a lot more details but this is the gist of it.

So to answer your question, I believe the two most important things were, me totally letting go of her and me dating someone else and being happy. (She felt as if she was losing ME) and she was!

That's why I say it cant be a bluff.

I did totally believe she would never change her mind and motion back towards the M. It was hopeless.

Now this is where I made my mistake.
I agreed to take her back too easily!
I did so much work on myself, she did nothing.
So if you ever have the opportunity that your W thinks she wants to work on M, you cannot take them back too fast.
You need to make them want it.

Also I will add that a recovery plan needs to be in placed and agreed upon by W.

[♪CS♪]

Interesting story gr8. It sounds to me your W was hoping for a "spark." Like you said, she did nothing to change herself. "Not feeling it" because she put in no effort. For someone to be ready to R they need to understand it takes work and committment. It will not just fall in their lap. They won't just "feel it."

Glad you came out the other side stronger and wiser. Is there still an open spot from you if she ever does decide she can put forth the real effort to make things work?

[Starsky309]

CS,

The final line is good. Other than that it's more pursuing and waiting for her to get her head out of the fog.

I will share with you my letter that made my W have second thought and returned to try the M again.
You have to let them go.
Although the points you made in your letter are true about her choices being hers, theat won't have an impact on her.

Here's what I sent my W last year:

You contacted me over a month ago to talk and haven't made any effort. It has become very clear to me and I now get it. You are not attracted to me and haven't been for quite some time. It must feel terrible to think you would want to be with a man you're not in love with or attracted to. I was honestly angry before because I didn't get it, but now I do get it. I don't blame you for leaving if you felt that way. I would want out too if I felt that way about a woman. I now get it. That's why I can't be with you anymore. I can't be with someone who isn't attracted to me. It's time we both move on. All the time I've spent going through this whole process with you has really opened my eyes about a lot of things, I am not sure what I feel about you anymore now either.
Once the final draft of the contract is drawn I will be filing the agreement so we can both move on with our lives.
I wish you the best for our kids' sake and I truely hope you find what you're looking for in life.

Letting go is the the most powerful way to have an impact on the WAW. You have to mean it though. I was totally prepared to file and move on with my life. This is not a bluff. If you are not ready to move on then she will know you're bluffing.
gr8

Country,

There is a HUGE difference between these two letters, both in tone and in substance. You are being given wise advice here by Gr8; please take some time to review both versions, and strongly consider doing what WORKED for someone here.

I'll be honest, I didn't get this either at first. I like to think of myself as somewhat of a "wordsmith," and I can be a very persuasive guy. So I always thought that if I just said THE RIGHT THINGS, in the RIGHT COMBINATION, that my wife would come back to me.

It wasn't until I let her go that she did. Hardest damned thing I ever had to do, too.

Starsky

[gr8 day 2B alive]

It's like the saying goes.
For that which you have worked hard to achieve it will be much appreciated.

Things( or people) that we can't have, have so much more value.

Women like a challenge.

Glad you came out the other side stronger and wiser.

There's no other option, it does take time though.

Is there still an open spot from you if she ever does decide she can put forth the real effort to make things work?

That's the thing, so won't, that's who she is. She would rather live in misery than admit she was wrong.

I'm looking for someone who sees value in me and wants to be with me. I've gone out with a dozen other women since May and I have sharpened my skills of interacting with women.
I know what I want and don't want. I feel I'm a great catch for the right person and I'm not settling for a mediocre R anymore.

If for some reason she wants to come back, my first question would be: What changes have you made?
If none, then there's really no reason for me to even consider excepting her back. I don't want who she is now.

[Brian in Hville]

If for some reason she wants to come back, my first question would be: What changes have you made?
If none, then there's really no reason for me to even consider excepting her back. I don't want who she is now.

great way to look at it...I may have to adopt that!

[jbnati]

I like that as well. In fact, I've mentioned something to that affect. I said 'I don't want you back until you want to come back'

Interesting story. My W and I went to MC starting about 3 yrs. ago and up to April of last year. I felt like I made a ton of changes, and changed significantly inside. I felt like she made very few changes. We were better for awhile, but she felt differently over time. I sometimes wonder if she would rather be miserable than make changes in herself.

[Queen_of_Swords]

It's like the saying goes.
For that which you have worked hard to achieve it will be much appreciated.

Things( or people) that we can't have, have so much more value.

Women like a challenge.

Glad you came out the other side stronger and wiser.

There's no other option, it does take time though.

Is there still an open spot from you if she ever does decide she can put forth the real effort to make things work?

That's the thing, so won't, that's who she is. She would rather live in misery than admit she was wrong.

I'm looking for someone who sees value in me and wants to be with me. I've gone out with a dozen other women since May and I have sharpened my skills of interacting with women.
I know what I want and don't want. I feel I'm a great catch for the right person and I'm not settling for a mediocre R anymore.

If for some reason she wants to come back, my first question would be: What changes have you made?
If none, then there's really no reason for me to even consider excepting her back. I don't want who she is now.

So agree with you.

[2stepboogie]

I wish I could say I was actually at a place where this letter was sincere, but I wrote it with the idea that this is where I want to be. I need to continue to work until I can send this letter and actually believe every word. It is my motivation right now.


Dear W,

I have hit a milestone in my life. I am finally becoming the man I want to be. I look at my future now and I see all of the possibilities. I like myself again, it feels good. 

I have told you before that I would still prefer to work on our marriage. I stand by that statement. However, I am moving forward with my life and I am committed to continue to improve myself.

Your choices in life are yours alone. I cannot help you with them. Until you can choose your family over your affair, we have no future together. As much as I accept responsibility for how we got to this place, you made the choice to jump off the cliff. You made the choice of an affair over your family. Running away rather than working on the problems that got you here.

I wish you all the best W. I sincerely hope you can find a way to address your own problems and begin to work on them. I can tell you, by doing so you will find peace. The hard work does bring happiness. 

I will keep an open spot in my heart for you W. I truly hope you find the happiness you are seeking. 

Good luck,

H

It is a great letter, however are you prepared to really let go. Sometimes we want to send our goodbyes because in the moment we feel it is right. We feel we are ready then a few days pass and we are in misery again. My W and I have said goodbyes several times. Well guess what.................

Sleep on it for awhile and if in a week a month you still feel that way then send it.

[Denver_2010]

Actions speak louder than words Country. Your proposed letter is full of just words. The danger of sending you W anything in writing is that it may later come back to haunt you. Don't send it. Communicate what you want to say in that letter through your actions. Don't send it.

BITS
Denver

[♪CS♪]

Actions speak louder than words Country. Your proposed letter is full of just words. The danger of sending you W anything in writing is that it may later come back to haunt you. Don't send it. Communicate what you want to say in that letter through your actions. Don't send it.

BITS
Denver

I agree for now, however, if I can feel that I am truly at the point to move on, 100%, a clear statement to that effect may be justified. However, when or if that time comes, who knows how I will feel.

It is a great letter, however are you prepared to really let go. Sometimes we want to send our goodbyes because in the moment we feel it is right. We feel we are ready then a few days pass and we are in misery again. My W and I have said goodbyes several times. Well guess what.................

Sleep on it for awhile and if in a week a month you still feel that way then send it.

The story of my life!!! At times I feel great. Ready to just move forward and not worry if she ever catches up or not. Other times I can still obsess over all of this. Definitely a lot of ups and downs through this process…