empowerment over, just had H pack his bags

[canadianMrs.]

Wow, news travels fast. My phone keeps ringing. I'm turning it off for the day. Everyone who has heard has been wonderful, but its so emotionally draining. I did talk to my BIL and his wife last night. SIL and I are very close. That was a hard conversation, but of all ppl, they are the most upset with H. They are having a family gathering next month and I guess H was told he is no longer welcome and that their children will never be at anything with the OW. His mother has said the same thing about the OW not being welcome.
H and I have been together since we were 16. Our lives, friends, family are so meshed, our families are close (they travel together)etc. I don't expect ppl to take sides or be upset forever, but it will change H's life. I've always been the one to keep these relationships strong and now everyone is rallying around me. H must/will fill very alone. I ALMOST feel bad for him.
Another thing I am struggling with. H seemed so good with all the lies I now question our whole history. Has he been a cheater/liar from the get go. I don't want to believe that, but I don't want to be a fool.

[canadianMrs.]

My regular DB coach is on holidays until mid April. I'm talking to Chuck intstead. I thought I'd try a male perspective.

[BeingMe]

Good idea!

[canadianMrs.]

I was just wondering what your friends/family etc think of your spouse right now? I've just begun talking to a few ppl who see the difference. His best friend of 30 years explained H as "his brain is like mush". It's funny how they will blame us, but they aren't actually treating their other relationships well either.

[BeingMe]

So true. I saw a photo H took of himself to send to OW, and he didn't even look like himself. My children were confused, my one daughter even felt like it was a sort of abuse. She was his 'princess'. I felt as if he wished we never existed.

He has a good relationship with the kids now, but it's been hard in many ways. Most of our family live far away, so they didn't see what was happening, but the one's who were close (my family) felt he should pull his head out of his ... well, you know what I mean. And, my family have always liked my H.

Just belt up and hope the ride is over quickly. It seems, my H is only now making a step out of the proverbial tunnel.

BTW, I wondered why you kicked your H out of the house? Sometimes, it's better to have them in the house to allow yourself opportunities to db. I'm just curious, since there's no going back on that decision.

[MHL]

but they aren't actually treating their other relationships well either.

They typically ditch anyone that does not participate in their little version of "Fantasy Island".

Unless you are dressed as Ricardo Montabon or Hervé Villechaize in a white leisure suit......

then you could say.........

" H , your time on Fantasy Island is up, I hope you have enjoyed your stay"



Remember to laugh.....

it helps.

Cheers

[canadianMrs.]

BeingMe. Part of me does wish I hadn't but at the same time I don't know if I could live with him as long as OW is in the picture. It happened in the heat of the moment of finding out about PA and all the lies. Plus he still sings the tune that we got married for the wrong reasons (he rewritting history) and I thought this might also give him time to see what he would be giving up.
He does know he can come home (and live downstairs for now) if OW is out of the picture.

[canadianMrs.]

I also wonder if DB was working. He was with OW (I just didn't know about it) but he seemed to be happier around the kids and I. Still a long way to go. Back in November when I got the bomb he was ready to D then and there. We decided to work on it one last time. It was more me (his efforts were elsewhere). A few times of frustration I asked him to move out and he would break down and beg me to let him stay. I wonder if he was already in deep with the OW but starting to doubt his reasons against the marriage...but not enough to vocalize it?
I keep telling myself that OW doesn't have anything that I don't and I actually have more. I have our children, the home, the history, our friends, our families (and a lot of his money :)).
When H and I were back in highschool we had a few months were we broke up and he is acting the same way he did then. I let him be, did my own thing, and he came back. Maybe this is history repeating itself. Maybe I'm fooling myself, but I'm trying to get my empowerment back. (Can you tell I talked to DB coach today);)

[BeingMe]

I keep telling myself that OW doesn't have anything that I don't and I actually have more. I have our children, the home, the history, our friends, our families (and a lot of his money :)).

Just remember, it's not what you have or not. You have these things and more, but he won't see it. All he cares about now, is making himself feel good, and the newness/excitement/infatuation of the A will do for awhile.

I am glad you are going to the coaches. You do, indeed, need to take back your power. Throwing him out gave you that, and more, you showed him what your boundaries were. I sometimes wished I had done the same.

[canadianMrs.]

Discussion with H today.

H: "Are happy"
Me: "I will be fine. Are you happier?"
H: "Last night was really hard" (His first night with kids)
Me: "Will you be happy"
H: "We'll see"

MLC at its best.