detached from everyone - but ok...

[TAMF]

[quote=Jack_Three_Beans Plus I'm so damnn attractive on the boards I don't want to blur any lines... ; )

[/quote]

I couldn't let that one go without a laugh! You crack me up

What are my plans - right now the lawyer is holding the summons, and I am taking one day at a time. H is destroyed, devestated and hating himself more than a person is capable of hating.

Sunday night, the girls and I got home from visiting my grandma in the hospital in IL. she is doing better by the way (tough old bird). H wasn't home when we got back late that night and I hadn't heard from him. about 10:30pm I got a text that said he was with a friend. I asked him if he was with ow, and to please not lie. he said he promised he wasn't.

About 2am, i woke up and he still had not come home. This was a violation of the boundry I had set when he decided to stay living at the house. I told him that, LIKE ME, he had to come home every night so the girls wouldn't become upset thinking/knowing he was staying with OW (even if he wasn't with OW! they still think that is where he is). So I sent him a text that I was clear about staying out all night and that I was not going to put up with this and I was going to call the lawyer in the morning to send the summons.

At 4am he came crawling into my bed was holding me so tight and shaking and so emotional. Telling me that he had been talking to a friend (and his current wife)that he works with that had gone through the same things a few years ago (except he ended up with the OW who had been his wife's bestfriend. They had told him that if they could do it all over again they never would have started the affair and that it had destroyed all of their lives. They are okay now years later, but it is always there - always between them the hurt and pain they inflicted on everyone.

Point is, H was finally able to talk to someone he felt could understand and didn't judge him. Just listened.

We fell asleep. The next morning he had a MAJOR anxiety attack. He was crying, breathing hard, shaking and wouldn't let me go and was talking about ending it all. I was terrified. I didn't know what to do except keep holding him and telling him that I loved him. He kept saying over and over that I was wonderful, no one loves him like I do. He kept looking into my eyes with soooo much pain and asking me, "WHY, WHY, WHY". I told him gently that only he can answer that question.

I went in late to work, wanted to make sure he wasn't really going to do anything to himself. He text me a couple hours later and asked if I could leave work and come back home that it was starting again. I did.

He got better through the night but wouldn't let me go. The girls got home from school and were wondering what in the world was going on...I just smiled and said daddy was having a hard time and I was helping him.

He asked if he could sleep with me last night and I said yes. We held each other all night. I had given him a sleeping pill, so he was pretty peaceful. The anxiety started again this morning, but was controlable. I am still worried about his state of depression. I have never seen him like this in 20 years. even when his dad died.

Right or wrong, OW still in the picture (though how much I totally question because he hasn't left the house) or not, I am going to help him through this. He is my best friend first and foremost.

He knows that I won't have him summond right now while he is having such a difficult time, and he knows my ultimatums (sp?) Totally end relationship with OW, go to counseling, treat me like I deserve.