My daughter is a teenager too, and I have struggled with this immensely over the past year, since her Mother moved out.
One of the things I try to do is separate what is normal "teenage" behavior from what is learned behavior.
I try to address the things I feel are important to address ( learned) and deal with the rest as it comes up.
I tell her that I have zero experience being a teenage girl, and I need her to help me try to understand her. Sometimes I succeed, while other times I fail.
Around the 6-8 month mark of her Mother moving out, she went through this huge anger phase with me. Almost like having her Mother back for a while...LOL
So I asked questions from the people I knew that had been through this. With experience in dealing with a WAW/MLC and having teenager daughters.
I had asked my daughter why she was so angry with me, and she said she didn't realize that she was. So I asked her why she was angry with anything, and she said that she was angry, yet she didn't know why she was. Now, I could assume all that I wanted to based on history, but to be sure, I wasn't.
One thing that I learned from a poster here, who had been through some serious issues with her daughter, was that, what appears to be right on the outside, is not what is inside. That her daughter had been in counseling for right around three years, and some of the things that were coming out now, were things from three years ago. All of that anger and resentment that had built up over the years, she had no clue how to express that. So when she said she didn't know, she was correct.
And that her anger was there, yet without the knowledge of how to express it, it came out to the "safe" parent. What that meant was, that she was afraid to express anger toward the WA/MLCer, because she felt that she would lose that parent if that anger came out to them.
I mean, that parent had left because they were angry at their spouse, so why would it be any different if they got angry with their child ? So they entered this "safe room" with the wayward spouse. To not show any anger toward their actions. That would guarantee their relationship. And all of that anger, that was still there, got unleashed on the safe parent, the parent they knew would always be there for them. The parent that wasn't going anywhere, and it was a safe zone for them to vent their frustrations.
Essentially, they could get as angry as they wanted with the "safe" parent without the fear of losing them.
Now, while I get this concept, I still do not excuse the behavior, and I use that knowledge to work through issues instead of throwing my hands up and not understanding her.
The "learned" part is always going to be a struggle for you, until she is older and finds her own way. All I can recommend is that you do not accept that behavior from her and not let her be the parent because you may not understand her right now. She has seen the way she wants to act from an example of behavior you stated you will not accept. So why would you allow that same pattern from your daughter ?
