I had a really hard time today and yesterday. A lot of crying. I'm just so ready for him to be home. I wish he could see the behavioral changes I'm implementing more. I mean, yes, I have still contacted him over the past week, but the content is for the most part very different (no "how are you"s or "what's going on with your family" or "what are we doing this weekend"... nothing like that, which are our usual topics of conversation).
I have not told him I loved him since the 17th. I have not heard his voice since the 19th. I've stopped checking Google latitude, and manually placed myself in my favorite vacation spot. I haven't asked for his email or bank account info since Wednesday (when I thought he was in another state). I've gone to all of my counseling appointments, continued to take my meds, and tried to stay as occupied as possible (although it really isn't that easy when you don't want to be around people who don't know what's going on, and the people who do know what's going on can only do so much for you).
I did send him this late last night (I was going to send it this morning, but realized that accessing my personal email at work would be tough): I just thought I would let you know what we have coming up.
March 28th (tomorrow) MC 5:30-6:30 -I know you had said you would prefer for this to be later in the week, but her schedule is completely full. If you do not go to this one that's your choice, but we only get 8 free sessions, and this will be our 4th. Also you will not get another chance to do couples counseling for another 2 weeks if you don't go to this one (plus, I did book this a month ago). Just thought you should have that information before you make your choice.
April 2nd (Saturday) Babycare/CPR 9:00-4:00 -I plan on going to this no matter if you come or not. I've already paid for the both of us (there was no way to pay for only one person). Apparently infant CPR standards changed this year. This will also cover things like bathing, diapering, hygiene, feeding, etc.
April 7th (Thursday) School Baby Shower 3:30-4:30 -You're welcome to come if you want.
April 9th (Saturday) Couples Shower 6:00-8:00 -I have a feeling this will go later than 8, but we'll see. Again, you can come or not, I'm going regardless.
April 11th (Monday) Carpet cleaning 10:00-1:00, MC 3:30-4:30 -This is my day off for the month of April.
April 21st (Thursday) MC 6:30-7:30
April 27th (Wednesday) MC 6:30-7:30
Let me know if you have any questions. Hope to see you at the appointment tomorrow. ~Me
P.S. I hope you understand that I don't expect you to come home if you do choose to go to the appointment. I understand you need space, and that's fine, but I don't want you to lose out on something you had asked for if you think there are additional expectations. There aren't.
I tried to be as... tactical as possible. Straight logistics. And zero expectations.
This is just becoming so hard. When he was in California, we had NEVER been separated for 15 days. And now we're going on an additional 11 since he left for his parents' house, so he's been gone for 3 of the past 4 weeks. The only info I got was that he was staying with his parents "through the weekend". Well, the weekend has come and gone. And when I asked him last week if he was comfortable giving me a date/time as to when he expected to be back all he would say is "I'll call you when I'm coming home. Need time."
I have plans to go to dinner with a friend tonight, regardless of if he comes home. The dogs miss him. They go around the house looking for him every time I let them in after I come home for the day.
I reread sections of DR today, and I feel like that helped me some, but this is just becoming so old. We've been doing this for a month (and I've only been able to DB since the 17th, most of that time he's been absent). I'm going so crazy I want my child to be born prematurely. I would rather put the health of my own child at risk than continue to go through this. And that makes me feel even more awful.
I know this has nothing to do with me. That doesn't help. I know I'm an awesome person. That doesn't help. I know I have my child to focus on and be thankful for. That doesn't help. I know that I will be fine with or without him. That doesn't help.
Right now it's going to feel as if nothing is helping. That's natural. You MUST continue to do the right things. Number 1 on that list is you and your child. As long as you keep telling me you are taking your meds and making your appts, then I feel good that you are keeping your head about you. Please be sure to continue to update with that info. It has me concerned.
You need to detach, sweetie. I cannot stress this enough. If nothing is helping, then you are going through the motions and not genuinely trying to detach. Detach is way easier said than done and you have not been in this process very long. There is an urgency about this situation as you are having your baby in May and would naturally want this resolved. You should not be going through this alone. But I want you to understand the real possibility that this will not be resolved by May.
Talk to me about these counseling sessions. Has he said he wanted counseling? Was this your idea? Was this a joint agreement? Tell me the specifics of how this came about.
I find it interesting what his friend said about him questioning his ability to be a good father. He is feeling overwhelmed and you must do whatever you can to take that feeling away. I know you want to jump up and down and say that none of this is right, he's a jerk, nobody does stuff like this, he needs to honor his commitments, he needs to come home... Unfortunately, however, that is not your reality at the moment. Right or wrong doesn't matter here. The only thing that matters is that you play this smart.
I hate writing these messages to you because frankly all I want to do is give you a big hug. I am very worried about you and your situation. You have done so many things to be proud of. Heck, I wasn't able to GAL this well and I don't have a baby to worry about! So understand we all want to help you and certainly not criticize you.
Big giant hugs for you, sweetie! I'm praying for you.
Yeah, I've been reading this and I can't believe how calm you are. I get SOOOO angry, I could never do this. I think detaching is good advice. Pretend you're a single mom and he's out of the picture. Possibly put off marital counseling for now. Don't go alone.
Thanks for the support and prayers. I really appreciate it and am so thankful to have a forum with people who understand and support my stance on all this (while frankly the rest of the world thinks I'm crazy for "letting him get away with all this"). I think I'm doing ok physically. My doctor doesn't seem too worried, and I see him again on Friday. Yes, this would not be nearly as difficult if I didn't have this child to consider and know that she will be here in as little as 6 to 8 weeks. And I feel like I am in for the long haul as far as how long this will take to resolve. I really feel like this is deep rooted in his extremely f-ed up family, and he has literally spent years repressing it. It's going to take a long time for him to recover. I just wish he would let me be a support instead of blaming me (although he seems to be showing signs that he doesn't think this has anything to do with me after all).
As far as the couple's counseling goes, that was his idea, and being trained in counseling, I'm always for it. I first suggested that he go to individual back in January when he didn't come home for 2 days straight. I believe I said, "I don't know what's going on with you, but you need to get your sh!t straight before this baby comes". And ever since then he's been going. I haven't been making the appointments; he has. I started going to an individual one as well a few weeks back. He's gone to one couple's counseling session, but he keeps asking for me to schedule them (I'm guessing so he can keep his options open? I don't know. He knows I'm doing individual too).
It breaks my heart that he thinks he would be a bad father. I have been enamored with the way he interacts with kids almost from the get go of our relationship. I would not have married him if I thought he would be a bad dad. Yes, there are definitely things he needs to learn, but he has shown me over the years how he can grow as a person, and I have no doubt any shortcomings would be easily navigated. I wish he would open up to me about those things. I had no idea he felt that way until best friend told me about it.
This evening I went to MC just like I said I would. And he didn't show, just like I thought. But at 6:29 (therapy ended at 6:30) he texted me (the first initiated contact since he left):
H: How was therapy? 10 minutes later Me: It was fine. Started a little late so ended a little late. How are u. immediately H: Hows work going? I'm ok. Might stay here another week. We can setup times to talk if you need. 15 minutes later H: Wondering how hard it be to come home.
So I let him sit on that for a good 2 hours while I went out to dinner with his friend. Old me would have said immediately, "I really don't think it would be that hard to come home. How about we talk tomorrow? What time is good for you?" Instead, I said this:
"Work is great. Been asked to speak at an in service on behavior techniques. Make the best choice for you."
And left it at that. I'm always the fixer (duh, I'm a therapist). So I'm determined not to give him the answer this time. And no, I don't NEED times to talk to you, but that sounds a little like projection to me. Do YOU need to talk to ME?
I have prenatal yoga tomorrow night, and dinner with a friend on Wednesday. I need to find something to do Thursday night. And Friday I think I'm going to go to this bar (if I can round up some friends) that has a great patio with a band that everyone sings along to. And then of course I have the baby class on Saturday.
Having him initiate that conversation was a much needed energy boost. I feel so much more empowered now. He sounds uncomfortable. Discomfort is necessary for change. Why change if you're comfortable? It sounds like he is scared. I know he's scared.
May, I can only imagine some of your stress. This last post is better. It shows you’re getting stronger. Everyone here is hoping and praying for you in our own ways. Be prepared for a downward cycle, but know it won’t last. You know this. You are a professional here and most of us only have our experiences.
IMO you have a very good chance of a positive outcome here, but it will likely take time. I agree you cannot solve his issues, he must resolve them himself.
Quote:
15 minutes later H: Wondering how hard it be to come home.
He is thinking about coming home.
Quote:
Make the best choice for you
You want him to see you as the best choice. You are, I think he is beginning to realize this. Be friendly as he works through this so he sees it clearly. Remain upbeat and keep doing what you’re doing, it seems to be working.
Be careful of speculating too much. Work with what you know.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
About 11:30 last night, my whole street lost power. I called the electric company and they said that we wouldn't have power again until about 2 AM. So I do my best to finish my night time routine and get to sleep around 12:15. My brother (who's been staying with me) went to his room at the same time, then half an hour later got up to go smoke a cig before he went to sleep. And in the darkness he heard:
"Hey, psst, it's me"
Somehow in the half hour between me going to bed and my brother going to smoke, H had come into the house through the front door. The dogs were in bed with me, and I heard them bark, but I was so exhausted (and figured it was just brother moving around) that I told them to shut up and didn't investigate.
Brother: "Dude, what are you doing?" H: "I'm just going to sleep here on the couch" Brother: "Why don't you just go sleep with your wife? She literally went to bed half an hour ago" H: "No, I dont want to interrupt anything, I'll just stay here on the couch" Brother: "Interrupt? Dude just go lay down with her. I'm going to go smoke a couple of cigarettes"
So brother goes into the backyard and says he smoked a few cigs and then came back inside and H was no longer in the living room in the darkness. He said he assumed he was in the bed with me. There's no way he would have been in there, the dogs would have gone nuts. So I guess in the half hour brother was in the back, he slipped back out the front door.
I have no idea where he went. And his parents live over an hour away from our house.
Brother didn't tell me any of this until he woke up for work this morning around 10, and I was long gone. I noticed this morning that the front door was unlocked, and thought it was odd because I knew I had locked it last night before bed.
If that were me, he misses you. I was putting away some clothes my wife and the kids left out, and could smell my wives pheromones! It eats me alive to know I haven't touched her in over 2 weeks.
I hope this all works out for you.
Me- 33 W - 27 M - 4 T - 5 SD- 8.5 S- 4 (deceased) D- 2.5
He WAS in California. Which meant he went to ELABORATE lenghts to try to convince me his was here. But it's so stupid, because he booked the flight on his AA account.... which I have access to!!
Again, the behaviorist, picked up on weird behaviors. For example: 1. He came home at 4 yesterday. He knows I can't get home until 4:30 at the earliest. 2. He washed all of his clothes from his suitcase and unpacked it BEFORE I got home. NEVER has he done this in the MANY trips we've taken. He literally will have stuff in the suitcase for weeks after the trip before it's completely cleaned out if I don't do anything to it. 3. He just looked... ashamed. And again, that intuition kicked in and I just felt a fury come over me. I avoided him for most of the night.
This morning while I was getting ready for work and he was sleeping in bed, I just had this overcoming anger come over me. So I go out to the car to get ready to leave, and I look over in his car and his laptop is in there (another odd behavior: he always keeps his laptop in the house and grabs it as he's walking out the door, he never puts it in there first).
So I just decide to go through it.
And there's the f-ing boarding pass from LA to our town. Circled and signed, dated Monday night.
I KNEW he was there. I KNEW it. And now I don't know what to do.
It's in my posession. I don't plan on giving it back. And I seriously doubt he'll notice it missing (he keeps receipts forever... I found ones from 2007 in there... ironically, they were the receipts to purchase my engagement ring). But even if he does notice it missing, what's he going to do? Come to me and say, "hey, have you seen the boarding pass that proves I lied to you for 10 days?"
I am now questioning whether or not I want to be married to him. I'm so angry right now, I don't want him to see his daughter, ever. She does not deserve to have such a lying, decitful, most-likely-cheating, disappointing father in her life.
I know not to act on what I found right now because I am so angry, but I am at a loss as to what to do.
