GAG - do you mind if I jump in here with the argument for and against the OW being out of the WAS life? Only mo, but I have done a lot of observing over the years.
The "need" for the OW is a part of the MLC in most cases - there are, as you know, other 'types' of affair. There is a lot written on the OW/OP, and I won't summarise it here.
The real question is whether true reconciliation can begin when the spouse still has some sort of need for OW. Or to put it another way, how do they find a path out of the MLC maze? Do we help them and can we help them, and if so in what way?
I suspect that they emerge in different ways. In the case of my h the OW could not be in the picture because at the first sign of it not being easy he always rushed back. For him, I am clear, it has to be over.
The danger of them transferring from OW to wife or exwife is that they haven't fully finished their crisis, and faced themselves. They have woken up enough to realise that the grass isn't greener, and that they were happy, and they want back in. And it works, sometimes. But not always
So [and as I said, this very much mo] I don't think there is a one size fits all answer. In my case OW would have to be gone, but in other cases it seems that the gradual detachment is part of the reconnection process. I don't think this way is without risk, but neither is the 'totally gone', as in those cases it can happen that the WAS simply cannot bring themselves to dig out. They get stuck.
Perhaps it all boils down to whether we can help our spouses in their crisis. In some cases yes, maybe, and in others they have to do it alone or not at all .
