It's time to start a new thread because I've reached the magic number and because my XH's life has been shaken by his mother's passing yesterday morning.
I've been pinballing like crazy since X-MIL passed away. I am grieving her passing and also what I fear could be the end of my DB'ing. I know intellectually that fearing the latter is stupid because I can't predict the future, but I am struggling with this right now.
I've had a couple email exchanges with XH in the last 24 hours.
Last night before XH went to bed (he was exhausted --- only 3 hours sleep the night his mother passed away) he wrote me: "Thanks so much for all that you have done for mom and myself; everyone really appreciates it. (even if he doesn't acknowledge it as often as he should). I think we should go for TT on Wednesday and make X-SIL watch all two hours of it. Then we can all go out afterwards? " ......Interesting.....
I was feeling frustrated with XH today even though he finally thanked me for taking care of his mother (not proud of this which makes me even MORE frustrated.....good God! my X-MIL just passed and I am thinking about my R with XH. That feels SO inappropriate. Ugh!!!! I'm sick of myself.) All of this introspection led to an insight this morning that XH has trouble thanking people because if he DID thank people for their kindnesses he might have to lower the big wall he has around himself. I realized this morning that XH really didn't thank me much during our pre-bomb R. He was too busy caretaking and I guess showing love or controlling the situation, depending on your perspective, to actually voice thanks. I wrote him the following email:
"Thank you for your e-mail yesterday evening............. I have been thinking about many things lately (these situations make one re-evaluate one’s life) and realized that as long as I have known you, you have been a very generous caregiver,.......... but it has taken me some time to realize that it seems difficult for you to receive and acknowledge gifts of time and service from others. My hope for you is that you can allow yourself to accept the loving support of others during this difficult time and in the future. Your expression of gratitude to me at this time means more than you know. I thank you for that. I am grieving her loss too." Then I wrote about a convo I'd had with his mother a few days before her passing in which we talked about what she would like to give him for his birthday next month and I offered to buy it for her. I wrote: "She couldn’t think of anything. Then I suggested that she could write you something the way that she wrote you a letter two years ago telling you how proud she was of you……….She was always game to do anything that might make your day happier, like posing for a photo or writing a card for you………..This time she looked at me weakly and just said “I just can’t do it. I feel too weak.” I knew then just how weak she really felt." I finished by reassuring him that I don't think she suffered much because she was well-medicated. I wrote: "She should have felt very little pain. She was surrounded by love in her final hours. What more could anyone ask?" I confirmed TT for Wednesday.
Just received an e-mail from Mr. GAG a few minutes ago. Interesting. He told me that his sister arrived today, they arranged the funeral, and then told me their entire itinerary for the evening (it was clear that they didn't spend the evening with GF#2), so that was interesting. He then wrote: "Anyway, thanks for everything. X-SIL mentioned that you had offered to make a memory board. I told X-SIL at lunch that we should do that and she looked at me like I had two heads! ........ I think it finally sunk in and told her we would find some pictures and do that along with many of the large/full size portraits. What were you thinking?".......so it's interesting that XH responded to my email at the end of a very busy and sad day......thanked me again.........and then accepted my offer to do a photo memorial for his mother for the funeral. This was quite surprising and reassuring as well.