Thanks for the support and prayers. I really appreciate it and am so thankful to have a forum with people who understand and support my stance on all this (while frankly the rest of the world thinks I'm crazy for "letting him get away with all this"). I think I'm doing ok physically. My doctor doesn't seem too worried, and I see him again on Friday. Yes, this would not be nearly as difficult if I didn't have this child to consider and know that she will be here in as little as 6 to 8 weeks. And I feel like I am in for the long haul as far as how long this will take to resolve. I really feel like this is deep rooted in his extremely f-ed up family, and he has literally spent years repressing it. It's going to take a long time for him to recover. I just wish he would let me be a support instead of blaming me (although he seems to be showing signs that he doesn't think this has anything to do with me after all).
As far as the couple's counseling goes, that was his idea, and being trained in counseling, I'm always for it. I first suggested that he go to individual back in January when he didn't come home for 2 days straight. I believe I said, "I don't know what's going on with you, but you need to get your sh!t straight before this baby comes". And ever since then he's been going. I haven't been making the appointments; he has. I started going to an individual one as well a few weeks back. He's gone to one couple's counseling session, but he keeps asking for me to schedule them (I'm guessing so he can keep his options open? I don't know. He knows I'm doing individual too).
It breaks my heart that he thinks he would be a bad father. I have been enamored with the way he interacts with kids almost from the get go of our relationship. I would not have married him if I thought he would be a bad dad. Yes, there are definitely things he needs to learn, but he has shown me over the years how he can grow as a person, and I have no doubt any shortcomings would be easily navigated. I wish he would open up to me about those things. I had no idea he felt that way until best friend told me about it.
This evening I went to MC just like I said I would. And he didn't show, just like I thought. But at 6:29 (therapy ended at 6:30) he texted me (the first initiated contact since he left):
H: How was therapy? 10 minutes later Me: It was fine. Started a little late so ended a little late. How are u. immediately H: Hows work going? I'm ok. Might stay here another week. We can setup times to talk if you need. 15 minutes later H: Wondering how hard it be to come home.
So I let him sit on that for a good 2 hours while I went out to dinner with his friend. Old me would have said immediately, "I really don't think it would be that hard to come home. How about we talk tomorrow? What time is good for you?" Instead, I said this:
"Work is great. Been asked to speak at an in service on behavior techniques. Make the best choice for you."
And left it at that. I'm always the fixer (duh, I'm a therapist). So I'm determined not to give him the answer this time. And no, I don't NEED times to talk to you, but that sounds a little like projection to me. Do YOU need to talk to ME?
I have prenatal yoga tomorrow night, and dinner with a friend on Wednesday. I need to find something to do Thursday night. And Friday I think I'm going to go to this bar (if I can round up some friends) that has a great patio with a band that everyone sings along to. And then of course I have the baby class on Saturday.
Having him initiate that conversation was a much needed energy boost. I feel so much more empowered now. He sounds uncomfortable. Discomfort is necessary for change. Why change if you're comfortable? It sounds like he is scared. I know he's scared.
