Hey islander. You can always just post thought/ideas, anything.
Is what you're doing working? Is there something else you could be doing? Is what you're doing the best for you? Have you done anything recently just for you? Did you enjoy it? What would you like to do? Any new hobby you could pick up? A new book you'd like to read?
Just thoughts....
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Like you said country, it is difficult to know what is working. I think what I am doing os getting a positive response. Like I said, if she did not care, I don't think I would get any response. I don't respond to things that I truly don't care about.
I am serious that I will never be just friends with my W, and I am willing to put that on the line. I believe that my W really doesn't want to lose me like that, but if it happens, it was nit my decision. You talked about the friend zone. Every sitch is different. That won't work with me. I will be friendly with her when I have contact I any form, but I will not be her friend that is what she thinks we are, and she would be happy going along with that.
Country, does your W consider you a friend now, or up untilshe began her A. If so, maybe putting that on the line will elecit a good response. If not, then maybe you should be her friend. Just a thought.
Lately, i have been doing a lot of saltwater fishing, and I caught, filleted and ate my first fish yesterday. I can say I am hooked, and that is how I will be spending a lot of my time. It is peaceful fishing on white sand beaches. I had never done it until two weeks ago, and I dis not think I would like it. I could not have been more wrong.
Books that I recently read that I thought were great are 5LL and His Needs Her Needs. If my W ever comes back, I will reread them again, starting with 5LL. if she doesn't, I will read them in my next R.
BITS
M:34 W:28 SD:9 D:6 (pr) M:3 T:6 Separated 1/16/11 ILYBNILWY 10/25/10 PA discovered 11/12/10, began about 10/1/10
I am not who I was, I am being remade, I am new...
Great response. The fishing sounds fun, I could see myself getting into that. Where about are you? Ocean fishing from the beach? Good to hear you are getting out and having a good time.
Quote:
Country, does your W consider you a friend now, or up untilshe began her A. If so, maybe putting that on the line will elecit a good response. If not, then maybe you should be her friend. Just a thought.
I have no idea what she considers me now. In our M I considered us friends. But I also realized that she did not feel comfortable opening up to me. I think I treated her too much like a guy friend. My friends and I always joked with each other a lot. I think I said a lot of things to her that really hurt her feelings when I was not trying to. I was also never very considerate to her feelings. I'm not typically a "feelings" kind of guy. So I have really realized how much this all led to her going elsewhere for any real talks about her feelings. I should have been there to listen to her.
I don't think I really need to guess that she does want to be able to keep me as a friend after all of this. She has said so. The thing I do not think however is that right now, while she still has this new A going on that is consuming her, she would choose that friendship over her A. So I am just going to do what I think I can be consistent with and that is staying friendly. I know I have said this before, but it is also a big part of my 180's, not showing any anger. It actually makes me feel good.
In the end, I don't know if I could really stay friends with her, but you know, in some ways I might be able to. I'll cross that bridge when I get there.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
I am on the gulf coast, and I am fishing from the beach. Awsome fun, it gives me something to look forward to. However my workouts have suffered as well as some Boise work bc you fish all day. But I am not worried about that too much right now.
I personally don't thi k staying "friends" during the A is the best cousre of action. I don't want to be the man that held my Ws hand while she had an A to make it easier on her. If you believe she really, and I mean REALLY wants to be your friend in the end, I think you are o ly helping her leave you by allowing her to think this will ever happen.
I don't mean to suggest that you show anger towards her. I let my W know along time ago that I forgive her, and that I forgive her everyday for what has happened. That does not mean ghat I will be there for her, that I will be her freind, and I have told her that if we do get the D, that i will never speak to her again. I was not threatening her, but just letting her know. It is up to her if she believes me or not, but it is the truth.
She knows, and has even said on several occasions, that I have changed, that she knows I love her and would do anything for her and out M, that she knows she could be happy with me, and that she knows I would never hold this against her to try to hurt her or get back at her. I feel that if she knows this, I have done my job., there is nothing more that I can do but let her go and hope she comes back. If I am wrong, please let me know. I consider all the advice that I am given, and really think about other perspectives.
BITS
M:34 W:28 SD:9 D:6 (pr) M:3 T:6 Separated 1/16/11 ILYBNILWY 10/25/10 PA discovered 11/12/10, began about 10/1/10
I am not who I was, I am being remade, I am new...
I am not saying what you're doing is wrong at all, I just think my course of action may be better for me. If this does end in D I cannot never talk to her again. We have a D together so we will always be a part of each others life.
What I have seen from my W I am not sure staying friendly is making it easier on her. In fact staying there for her has perhaps made it harder for her to let go. But really IDK. I am really just trying to be the guy I want to be. One who can stay positive even in the worste times. Like I said I was not known as a positive person, so this is a change for me.
I don't feel like I am holding her hand. I will NOT help her with the D. That is 100% her if that is what she chooses.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Country, I am kot saying what you are doing is wrong. I just wanted to give you a different perspective. I know that you will not never talk to your W again. You will need to remain friendly with her for tha sake of your D. But that doesn't mean you HAVE to be her friend. But that may be the best thing for you. Idk. You will ultimately make that decision.
In my sitch, we don't have any kids together, but I feel like my SD is my D...u have always felt that way, which makes my decision that much harder. But I just have to remember, it was not my choice to leave our M and break up our family. I pray everyday that this doesn't happen. I can't imagine not having my SD in my life...it is a HORRIBLE feeling, but I know it is not up to me.
And another thing, I really don't know if going dark os working. I may be making a huge mistake. She hinted the other day that she was thinking about going to church with me. Idk if that was sincere or not. Maybe I should see if she wants to do something else some night. I don't think I will right now. I am only saying I am as lost as you are right now, not really knowing if I am taking the right course of action.
Brian, I have never fished in the gulf shores area, but I hear it is nice.
BITS
M:34 W:28 SD:9 D:6 (pr) M:3 T:6 Separated 1/16/11 ILYBNILWY 10/25/10 PA discovered 11/12/10, began about 10/1/10
I am not who I was, I am being remade, I am new...
I am new to the community, fortunately and unfortunately. I noticed a few similarities between our stats, not necessarily our overall situations though. We are both close in age, and so are our wives. Also, been married for about the same time as well. I too have an almost 9 year old SD, whom I love and cherish very much. We also have a 2.5 year old D together as well. Our situation differs in that I don't think there is OM in this situation. Not that there couldn't be, but I still live at home, and she literally never goes anywhere, works in an office with 2 women, and when we do go places it is together. Not that I would discount that there could be, but I just couldn't see how, since she gets home right after work. I did get the "I don't think I am in love with you any longer, oh I love you, but not like that" line. I am broken right now, but trying to do the things to fix myself, so I can get better. I am playing with my kids more, doing a lot more around the house (not that I didn't before), working out at the gym, and overall just trying to be happy as heck. I feel your pain, and thank goodness for this site.
Me- 33 W - 27 M - 4 T - 5 SD- 8.5 S- 4 (deceased) D- 2.5
