First I want to say thank you to all of you that gave your input last night. I really appreciated it.
I decided to start the night with an apology for my words on the phone. I showed up with flowers and when W answered the door I ave them to her and told her I was sorry for the way I acted earlier. I told her that I enjoy spending time with her but that does not excuse my surly words before. I told her the most important thing to me is that she is healthy and that if she could not go out tonight, them we would do it another time.
I told her that in the past, we would have plans and I would ruin them before we started because of my temper. I told her that even thou I would apologize, there would be a dark cloud over the night that would not allow us to enjoy ourselves. I told her that I wanted to make sure that cloud was gone tonight.
She accepted my apology and agreed with my assessment of the past. She really liked the flowers and put them in water before we left.
Immediately I could tell that her toe/foot was hurting her pretty bad. She limped and winced everytime she took a step. She said that doctor said that the toe was infected and gave her a prescription for some antibiotics and pain meds. She mentioned that she did not have time to get them filled.
So we head downtown and have to park in a parking garage two blocks away from the restaurant because the ones right next to it were full. The W is having a really hard time walking but as we hit the street we see that a Borders book store is closing and there were only a few days left for the going out of business sale. The W says that she forgot that the store was closing and planned on going to the store but guess time ran out. I grabbed my phone and called the restaurant and pushed the table time back a half hour and W and I go inside book store and I buy stuff she finds for our kids. After we are done we go to eat.
As we leave the book store, I offer my arm to W to help brace herself so she could walk better. She takes it but is being cautious with her contact with me. We get to the restaurant and sit down for dinner. We order and have nice chit chat until food gets there and that is when things take a turn!!!
The chit chat turns turns to R talk and I am trying to advoid answering the questions because I did not want to get into it. At one point she brings up the other night when I showed up at the house and she invited me to stay for dinner. She talks about how after I left she was upset because she felt I stole time away from her and kids. She said that was her night with kids and after I got there all they wanted to do was spend time with me. She said she felt like the odd person out and was mad that I did that.
Well guys and gals, I about blew my top right then. I looked at her and told her that I did not want to talk about this anymore and tried to change the subject. She kept at it. Asking why I was getting mad, what's wrong, what did I say? I held my tongue for a few minuets and then I let it fly. I started with why did you ask me to stay for dinner the other night? She says that food was getting ready to be put on the table and she did not want to be rude. I said that was great! I might as well have been an aunt or friend, cause I took it as that you wanted me to eat dinner. I then tell her that I did not try and take time away from her with kids but that I am the odd man out in he house and that the kids will flock to me if/when I come over. That if I was not wanted there then to ask me to leave.
She ask again why I was getting upset and I told her that I am frustrated. That we are looking at the same thing through different glasses. That I am the only one in this R that had admitted my mistakes and am not using my time to have fun when we do not have kids. I tell her that you said you still want a happy family but what are you doing to get it. I flat out ask her:
"What is it that you do not like about what I have been doing?"
W: "The only thing is that you always apologize when I tell you the stuff you did wrong. I think to myself that this is not the real Hank, the real Hank made excuses and sooner orlater the old Hank will show up"
H: "This is not act. I hope one day you will see this." "I have made many mistakes. I verbally abused you for years. You never deserved any of this and for that I ask God for forgiveness every day."
W then starts to open up for the first time since things began to change in the last 3 weeks. (And I shut up) She asks why I did not see this before? That she has been dealing with this for at least 5 years. That she tried for a long time to fix things but after awhile just accepted the fact that she was done.
She then tells me that thing changed in the last 3 weeks. That for some reason she realized that we will always be together because of the kids and that she only has one life and that maybe things can be like the way she wants them with us. She says she has noticed all the changes in me (the way I act with kids, without them, the way I dress and the weight I have lost) and that she likes them. She goes on for some more and I validate every chance I get. At one point she says tha the stuff I am doing is worth it.
There was a lot more to this conversation, with tears from her, but what I put down is the main points I think. After we finish eating we get ready to leave and I look at say: "Another R talk but no answers."
W: "Did I not say what you were doing was worth it?" (smile)
We leave and as we walk back to the parking garage I again offer my arm to her and this time she takes it and snuggles into my body the entire way. We get in the car and start home and she takes my hand and ask me "You do not have to tell me now if you do not want but what are the things you were unhappy with me in the marriage" She starts with oen thing she knew she did bad and I mentioned one thing that she validated! Ha Ha.
I tell her that I will drop her off, grab her prescription and go get it filled for her. She says that she will go with me, we drop it off and they say it will be 45min until its ready. I ask her what to do and she says lets go to Meijer to get some easter stuff. On the way I say that she should use one of the scooters to get around the store. She agrees and she uses one when we get there.
Let me tell you something, we have not had fun like that since we were dating in high school. She was driving I was walking and we were being a fun couple. People were laughing at use we did not care. I took a picture of her on my phone. It was great. We left, got the meds and I took her home. When we got there I carried some stuff in and she asked if I wanted to see her toe. It is gross. I tell her thanks for the night, I had a good time and stick my hand out to shake her hand and....
She grabs my hand, pulls me in and kisses me on the lips twice and tells me thanks. I must have been stunned, cause I just stood there with this dumb grin on my face. The W starts laughing and says you are embarrassing me and closes the door. She reopens it laughing and said goodnight.
We have plans to do stuff with kids this coming week for spring break. I need to prepare my self for the pull back. I know I broke a lot of DB rules and did/said things that I should not have but I let the stress get me. I believe I saw positives in the mess last night.
Sounds to me like right there, at the restaurant, you had a turning point. The place where things start to get better. What you are doing is working. Keep it up!
Hank - Awesome news, man. It is stories like yours last night that keep me going. You are right to take things slow moving forward, but it definitely sounds like a breakthrough. Keep going!
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
On Saturday, W told me she bought some toys for S3 at the sale she worked over the weekend. When I dropped the kids off on Sunday I was carrying in their stuff when I heard:
"Hon, you coming in?"
She wanted me to see that she set up all of the new toys in his bedroom and to make sure he did not go in yet. They were getting ready to leave for a baby shower and I helped them.
Later that night when the kids were asleep I called W to see how S liked the new toys. She told me that he really liked them but only got to play with them a short time. She did say that he wanted them all out of his room before he went to slepp! Ha Ha
W then went on to tell me what she was doing and I got off the phone. Today at lunch time I got a text from her saying:
"The leftovers heated up very nicely for a good lunch. thanks"
I waited about an hour and sent back "You are welcome."
A female coworker that has been listening to my sitch, suggested to me today that I write me W a letter. She said that from what she has heard from me, that the W is starting to come aroung but is/has concerns that the so called new me is here to stay. She thinks the letter might help. What so you guys/gals think?
I don't know if the letter will help or hurt...the letter may make your W think you are trying too hard to spotlight your changes. At least if that is the intent of the letter.
I have seen and felt positive steps over these last few weeks. After the evnts of this weekend I told myself that the pull back was coming and that I was not going to contact W until our family plans in 2 days. She text me today about thanking me for leftovers and say your welcome. I told her on Saturday that I would be getting a new bathing suit this week, (taking kids to indoor water park this week) so I sent her a text:
M: I'm heading soon to buy a bathing suite. You wanna come along and have me model them for ya? (wink emoticon)
W: Yes please with your bright white 6 pack now.
M: I will bet at store at 3, c u there.
W: HaHa have fun, dont buy white you will see through it.
Left it at that. She has not been cold at all when I have talked to her since Saturday.
So what is the hard part? I call to tell kids goodnight tonight and they and W tell me S3 started using potty today and is not wearing diaper. My oldest kids are girls. I am missing out on my boy taking big boy step and it really hurts. I want to be there little man, I really do.
