I had a really hard time today and yesterday. A lot of crying. I'm just so ready for him to be home. I wish he could see the behavioral changes I'm implementing more. I mean, yes, I have still contacted him over the past week, but the content is for the most part very different (no "how are you"s or "what's going on with your family" or "what are we doing this weekend"... nothing like that, which are our usual topics of conversation).
I have not told him I loved him since the 17th. I have not heard his voice since the 19th. I've stopped checking Google latitude, and manually placed myself in my favorite vacation spot. I haven't asked for his email or bank account info since Wednesday (when I thought he was in another state). I've gone to all of my counseling appointments, continued to take my meds, and tried to stay as occupied as possible (although it really isn't that easy when you don't want to be around people who don't know what's going on, and the people who do know what's going on can only do so much for you).
I did send him this late last night (I was going to send it this morning, but realized that accessing my personal email at work would be tough): I just thought I would let you know what we have coming up.
March 28th (tomorrow) MC 5:30-6:30 -I know you had said you would prefer for this to be later in the week, but her schedule is completely full. If you do not go to this one that's your choice, but we only get 8 free sessions, and this will be our 4th. Also you will not get another chance to do couples counseling for another 2 weeks if you don't go to this one (plus, I did book this a month ago). Just thought you should have that information before you make your choice.
April 2nd (Saturday) Babycare/CPR 9:00-4:00 -I plan on going to this no matter if you come or not. I've already paid for the both of us (there was no way to pay for only one person). Apparently infant CPR standards changed this year. This will also cover things like bathing, diapering, hygiene, feeding, etc.
April 7th (Thursday) School Baby Shower 3:30-4:30 -You're welcome to come if you want.
April 9th (Saturday) Couples Shower 6:00-8:00 -I have a feeling this will go later than 8, but we'll see. Again, you can come or not, I'm going regardless.
April 11th (Monday) Carpet cleaning 10:00-1:00, MC 3:30-4:30 -This is my day off for the month of April.
April 21st (Thursday) MC 6:30-7:30
April 27th (Wednesday) MC 6:30-7:30
Let me know if you have any questions. Hope to see you at the appointment tomorrow. ~Me
P.S. I hope you understand that I don't expect you to come home if you do choose to go to the appointment. I understand you need space, and that's fine, but I don't want you to lose out on something you had asked for if you think there are additional expectations. There aren't.
I tried to be as... tactical as possible. Straight logistics. And zero expectations.
This is just becoming so hard. When he was in California, we had NEVER been separated for 15 days. And now we're going on an additional 11 since he left for his parents' house, so he's been gone for 3 of the past 4 weeks. The only info I got was that he was staying with his parents "through the weekend". Well, the weekend has come and gone. And when I asked him last week if he was comfortable giving me a date/time as to when he expected to be back all he would say is "I'll call you when I'm coming home. Need time."
I have plans to go to dinner with a friend tonight, regardless of if he comes home. The dogs miss him. They go around the house looking for him every time I let them in after I come home for the day.
I reread sections of DR today, and I feel like that helped me some, but this is just becoming so old. We've been doing this for a month (and I've only been able to DB since the 17th, most of that time he's been absent). I'm going so crazy I want my child to be born prematurely. I would rather put the health of my own child at risk than continue to go through this. And that makes me feel even more awful.
I know this has nothing to do with me. That doesn't help. I know I'm an awesome person. That doesn't help. I know I have my child to focus on and be thankful for. That doesn't help. I know that I will be fine with or without him. That doesn't help.
