MLC for dummies - for the newbies in MLCland

[AJM]

LMAO. I have seen this before, but it's so much funnier now.

Thanks for the repost. And I agree that when you see that look in their eyes, the guilt, the rage, the shame... it's painful to see. But in the end, it is what it is and it is the culmination of their choices. I didn't make those for them. I have no pity, but rather compassion when I see that. Must be tough....

AJ

[Cyrena]

Ah, #11 has always been my favourite. Mattress-clinging could be the litmus test for MLC....

I agree, AJM, about feeling compassion for the guilt when it comes (and about feeling compassion for how agonizing the entire MLC must have felt to them). Additionally, I found that my H needed to feel the guilt in order to learn to forgive and feel compassion towards HIMSELF. It was a part of learning to truly love himself. Neither of us would be as happy without the lessons we learned through MLC.

[tadpole1025]

Wow. I read this a few months back and just had to read it again. This is so true. I think my W wrote the book! I thought that my W was the only one that "clinged to the edge of the mattress." They all do that? Classic!

Tad

[angel61]

Hi all, I have been traveling so I wasn't able to see how well received the repost was! I couldn't remember where it came from (Thanks PEI for remembering) but the first time I read it I copied it and I actually had a note in my journal for H - I said that once we get out on the other side I was going to let him read it! We then would both ROTFLMAO..... I hope that day wold come....

I sent it to a friend of mine who also once had an MLC (one of H's best friends and who is over it, complete with highlights!

And the "clinging to the end of the mattress"..... I swear I nearly fell over when I read that part! Its exactly what H does! I sometimes would purposely move to his side of the bed to see if hI ould make him all off! Once I woke up because he was rolling me over back to my side!

So, all of you LBS - don't let your MLC'er savour the victory of you giving p and filing for the D. Let them do it! Don't let them be the triumphant victim!

My H knows he is in MLC but at this point he is still too much in the miserable stage that I don't think he would laugh. Added to that he doesn't really have too much of a sense of humour. I think I will wait a little.

As for me, I feel less compassionate and more frustrated and sometimes I even find my H's being so classically MLC as - not funny, but it makes me laugh sometimes. Like how he can be dumb and predictable and acting like a freakin' teenager with graying hair. Pathetic.

Then again I realize that I love the guy. Sheesh.

[angel61]

Here's another article I found that resonates - maybe MLC is more cmmon nowadays because of the way society is ....

The Death of Common Sense
Obituary printed in the London Times - Interesting and sad.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Victimhood is glorified .... and our MLC'ers are victims!

[AJM]

Too true. Funny, yet sad.

So, all of you LBS - don't let your MLC'er savour the victory of you giving p and filing for the D. Let them do it! Don't let them be the triumphant victim!

One of the exact things I've been wrestling with lately as I get closer to the date. I wrestle with whether it really matters. Does it? Or am I just hanging on for a reason that no longer matters - my principles? If I don't file it, am I standing up for my principles? Or am I just being stubborn and fighting her when there is nothing left to fight?
See, I see this as two things: Her journey, and my journey. In my journey, there is NO WAY I should allow somebody to treat me like she has. I did anyway. But is there a reason let her treat me poorly or is it that there are consequences to your choices and one of those is that you are no longer going to be married to me. I will no longer have conversation with you when you treat me like this. Nor will I continue to stand by you as your husband when you have a boyfriend, when you lie, cheat, steal, and destroy my family.
This is a weighty issue that I do not take lightly. I started this journey a little behind in my view of things. Well behind really. I now see things very differently. I don't hate her. I don't trust her and I don't like her, but I do not hate her. I feel...not much towards her except defensive in some cases. I know that won't have to be that way much longer and I know I am dead tired of the games and drama. I know she worked hard to destroy the relationship. I know I worked hard to not let her. I know that it really doesn't matter in the scheme of things who files and who doesn't. What I do not know is if I am being stubborn and lashing out by not filing, or if I am sticking to what I started and letting her be the one to file.
I would like to think the latter, but interested in the thoughts of those that have worked through this thinking?? I am an idealist, so ideally I would stick by my convictions and let her file. Just don't want to live in that limbo and trying to see the value of waiting for her to file and trying to be sure I am not being vindictive in waiting.

Fun fun fun...

[tadpole1025]

Hi AJ.

You've given me so much great advice. I wish I knew what to tell you.

I too struggle with wondering how long I will hang on.

It amazes me how many of them say that they want a divorce, but take forever doing anything about it.

Tad

[AJM]

Thanks Tad. It's just something to wrestle with. I know I did what I could to make my marriage work. I know that I left nothing undone. This is just one last piece to the story that I have to face. I have time though

[Mach1]

things I've been wrestling with lately as I get closer to the date. I wrestle with whether it really matters. Does it? Or am I just hanging on for a reason that no longer matters - my principles?

AJ...

For me, it was about what my principles are. I still believe in the institute of marriage. I am still against Divorce, in every facet of the word. What I realized was, that this was something that had to happen. The relationship had reached it's final call, and was unhealthy to all involved.

Also , I had to put everything into perspective. The fact that I still loved her, yet almost word for word as you describe below. The deception had to end. And although it was ultimately her decision to finish the "legal" side of things ,I am/was entirely ready for that to happen.

What I struggled with, was that I had become happy that it was to end. I was/am excited with what my future held. So what made me different than her at this point ?

For me, it came down to the fact that I had not intended for this to happen. I chose to honor the memories that I had, instead of changing past events so that I could justify my feelings of excitement. I held no malice toward her for the path she chose to walk. I look at the person she has chosen to be , and I realize that I love her enough to let her be that person, and that I love myself enough, to not accept that behavior from the person she is now.

If I don't file it, am I standing up for my principles? Or am I just being stubborn and fighting her when there is nothing left to fight?

I worked through that fear....that, that was the final piece of string holding "us" together. And once that was severed, then it was officially gone. It was a time for me to "feel" what I described above. That is was an end, yet it was my choice of "how" it was the end. I let that emotion wash over me as I signed my final papers. And though it was sad, I also realized it was not the end of me...just an unhealthy relationship , which produced a multitude of happy memories , including the birth of my two children. No one can ever take those happy memories away from me. I own them....

I will no longer have conversation with you when you treat me like this. Nor will I continue to stand by you as your husband when you have a boyfriend, when you lie, cheat, steal, and destroy my family.

I said that, almost word for word.....

I don't hate her. I don't trust her and I don't like her, but I do not hate her. I feel...not much towards her except defensive in some cases. I know that won't have to be that way much longer and I know I am dead tired of the games and drama.

To be honest....

As long as there are minor children in the picture....The divorce isn't the end of the "games and drama". This is something that is going to be with you for a very long time my friend. It will change some, but essentially..the misnomer that it will end with the signing of the final decree, is just that....a misnomer.

Boundaries will become more important than ever until things reach a level of adjusted living. And then things will still be tested on a fairly consistent level.

You..will be the only change in that. How you react, how you respond. What you are capable of living with and without.

When the end comes, there will be feelings of sadness. Feelings of unfulfilled dreams, feelings of what once was. The difference will be, that you know your truth. And what you felt , and lived. Those things are yours. Nobody can ever take your memories from you.

File or not, it is merely a choice that has to be made, on your time-or hers. The end, is still the end.


Do you have a thread somewhere ?



I do wish you peace from within, during these times ..

[angel61]

All of us LBS have our own struggle, our own journey while our MLC'er goes on theirs too.

When we first get bombed, we have to deal with how our LBS trampled on our pride, slapped our faces with their A's, we get angry and react, rect, react. And then we try to control the situation - try to set boundaries, giveultyimatums,

But in the end, although we tell them its their choice, the consequences are theirs, we also have our own choices and it all depends upon what do we really want. What we are willing to give up, or sacrifice, knowing that there might be light at the end of the tunnel. How discerning we really are, when do we know when there is no more hope.

Tad, AJ, do your really believe there is no more hope in your sitch?

I have hope for my sitch. But like everyone else, I have gone through stages where I would feel so angry, so hurt, so resentful. When I could no longer stand it, and want to be the one out. I think about being a WAW myself. Couple of times I actually lost it with H and callenged him to a D right there and then.

But I slowly came to realize that our spouses cannot make that decision because they are not themselves. They are in crisis - they are sick. They need to be nurtured back to health.

I came to realize that the only way to do that is to be what DR tells us - detach, have patience, have compassion - compassion so that we understand that they are miserable too. That it is worse for them than for us. I came to have a closer relationship with God, realizing that this situation came about because both H and I have a lot to learn, and that in His time, we will be healed. I am learning to let go, to have faith. I

What this has done to me right now is make me feel that I could be happy even if I am in this limbo land.

I don't know if I will be like this after I have gone through what you have, AJ. But for now, I feel at peace. I hope that you will be able to find your peace, you have been through so much pain. And I am sure you will be able to make the decision when you are ready for it.

And Tad, you are still early in your sitch.... take care of yourself. One day, believe me, the pain will lessen, it will get better.

Hugs to both of you.