Side Trip from Forward Motion

[BeingMe]

Journalling, since very few people come onto my thread .... this is what I am thinking ....

CW, thanks for posting ... you are probably right.

I am very confused. I feel like a WAW. I have hit a wall, and cannot break through. What happened in Belgium is tearing me apart inside. I don't feel guilty over it, but I do feel sad that it happened, and I still can't have him (he has a GF, but more importantly, the GF has a D8 who has only known EXbf as a dad, and he doesn't want to abandon her, and I agree, I would never ask him to do that). I have stopped communicating with him ... even deactivated my fb for a time, so I can think.

I still think H is involved with someone else. Why would he come and meet my EXbf the one weekend (EXbf came to visit me at D30, and H came to see the baby .... the only time he could get a w/e to do so ... well, that's his story and knowing his timetable, I can't fault him), then not even try and dissuade me from going to see him, even stay in his flat? (BTW, he liked EXbf, and the feeling was mutual ... same kinda people.)Unless, he really doesn't care, and has someone else in which he is emotionally invested. Or, he trusts me that much. He knows this is the one guy in all the world, that still has a piece of my heart. This came up when we were discussing OW and how he didn't know how he was going to let go since he thought about her all the time we were married (she is a high school crush), yet he still cared about me. This was about 6 years ago, so he may've forgotten. I told him that I also had someone that I thought about ... and I went on to tell him about EXbf.

I never imagined that we would ever meet again, or I would feel anything, except friendship. We clicked instantly. He even remembers the first thing I said, 30+ years ago. When we saw each other, we recognized one another, and hugged ... I felt him trembling (maybe he was cold?). I have to let him go, from my mind and heart and memory. It was not meant to be.

I realize now ... there is no going back. Whatever my H is doing, or not, should not impact how I behave. I still care so much for H. I wish we could find a way to get back to each other, to forge a new and better R. I have been here, sometimes fighting for him, sometimes just waiting. I have done all I can ... improving/working on myself (ongoing process), detaching ... all the things a person should do to db.

There is nothing left to do, except wait or leave (while continuing on with my life). For now, I seem to be immobile, so I wait. H is away again for 2 weeks.