A quick update on my "difficult decision". Got some good advice here that the typical OR talk was going to leave me looking weak and needy, which is exactly what I need to avoid. But I felt I really needed to let W know where her R with her boss is headed, and that it wasn't a secret to me.
Realized the way out while reading some of the Taoist proverbs. Thought I might start by planting a seed about how feelings can grow...
W is trying to eat better. But while shopping for son's bday party I picked up a bag of chips and put them in the closet. Later I put them on the table. W said she's not eating any - trying to stay in shape. Later, I opened the bag, and had a couple chips. I put them in a nice bowl before I left to run some errands. Came home and they were ALL gone. W said I really didn't want to eat them. I said then why did you. She said because they were there, all day, always around, she was stressed, and they started to look good. I said well I guess if we didn't want to eat them we shouldn't have put them out. Or brought them into the house. Or bought them in the first place, she said. I said I guess sometime when things are always around we eventually get hungry for them, even though they aren't what we really want. Got the look...like are we still taking about chips? Then I dropped it.
Now...let's see how long the carton of her favorite ice cream in the frezer lasts.....
I figure that when that time comes for the actual conversation I can use this as an example.....
Meanwhile, staying strong even though W has new business trips planned.
PS - there are so mnay of us here with spouses involved with other people at work. Is there some book or program aimed at employees that addresses this? something aimed at those at risk of getting intangled in this sort of thing? (other than Not Just Friends, which is good).
Thanks dmod. I have been taking a little break from journaling.
I have been focusing on my 180. Doing a good job of staying calm, confident, and strong through the ups and downs. 180 is probably not as dramatic as it needs to be - but then again, my change is mostly to AVOID doing some things so maybe I'm doing ok.
Still have no idea if W is in an EA with her boss. There are periodic signs. That conversation is in our future.
I'm trying hard to go out and have fun. But the winter is getting me down. Motivation is low, and my goals are probably not as specific as they need to be.
Had a meeting today with IC, explained what I've been doing with the DBing, asked some questions of him, and did some listening. He's pro-M, and I've told him the goal here is to make M stronger and prevent/survive W's EA.
First, he gave me his version of a 2x4. He said that 9 out of 10 men, even the most easy-going of men, would have serious concerns about the things going on with W. So while it's great I've been focusing on getting myself stronger, we agreed that it's really not reasonable to think I can ignore these things, especially since they come up regularly. One way or another I have to deal with it. Well, hey, I'm not crazy after all.
He suggested that I've made the Nice Guy deal (I'll do what you want and you'll like me) or at least have avoided having this conversation because I fear the fallout.
I told him that as the balance of our M has come back to closer to 50-50 I've felt better about having the conversation - less worried that it might go badly, less worried about the fallout. I feel like I just needed to get to a place where I could have the conversation at all, regardless of how it goes. That's what I've gotten from my 180 / GAL. And that feels good.
He warned that if something IS going on W will resist talking about it. On top of that W clearly avoids talks and feelings as a defense mechanism against something in her life that was very tramatic, so the she's likely to throw up A LOT of obstacles and I have to strong and calm enough to listen and understand but continue on.
I think waiting to have this conversation was good.....but now it's about time.....
