Punkin you are doing the math because you are trying to deal reasonably and rationally with emotions.
I have been at this a long time, though nowhere as long as Snodderly, and I am still not fully emotionally detached. However, I have made a number of friends along the way,from these boards, most of whom have not reconciled, and a few years down the line, these lying cheaters S*Bs are not happy bunnies. Most of them still are not prepared to do the work to rebuild and reconcile,, and so they remain estranged, sometimes with OW, sometimes not. But it isn't laughter in paradise.
We on the other hand really do go from strength to strength. Do I love my xh? Yes, I do, I love who he was, but he isn't that person any more. You would not want to be with the guy that your h currently is. Will he 'wake up' and sort himself out? Some do and some don't. I know women who have reconciled, and at times privately question whether it was really worth all the work. Yes, in terms of the fact that marriage is important, and there is shared history, but it is a long haul either way, and they are very damaged goods, especially if like our h's they are older, and in the habit of bottling things up!
It is a mess, either way. Reconciliation isn't easy, and some of them run a second time . . . [I know of several who have done this]
The OW is telling your h what he wants to hear. How could he be the bad guy? We are told not to demonise the OW, but women who go off with married men are not nice people. Doesnt' absolve our h's, but neither does it make the women OK. They are control freaks, and often deeply emotioally disturbed people, and I try to feel compassion, but it isn't easy.
We imagine our h's leading an idyllic life with them. Whatever these guys SAY, it isn't usually true. They have paid a huge price and have to believe they have gold, and not gold coated plastic. I wonder if many fairy stories, not just Rip van WInkle, where people go off with the fairies to a 'better' life and cone back years later to find everything gone, are partly about MLC.
