The End is Here!

[Bobby63]

Need Help Bad. I am new to this board so bear with me please
Me 48
W 43
M 14.5
S 14
S 11
D 3
Bomb 23 March 2011

My sitch:
Morning of Weds the 23 in front of our children states in a angry voice that she definitely wants a divorce.I was stunned as things were lovey dovey 2 days before.Needless to say I was crushed as were my 2 boys. living in the same house but in different rooms acts as if this is nothing for her. Is a facebook/cellphone addict. I am a substitute postal carrier so no benifits and VERY limited hours. W is finishing her masters in social work in may and will be employed immediately upon graduation (ie finacially independent). I believe she is fast tracking this, wants to get into Heavy relationship talk which I avoid for now. She has stated today that she is going to start sorting out things and will get totes for both her and me (translation start packing) Left a "to do" list out in the open saying various things but at the end says make plans to move and has also ordered a book from amazon on divorce for the kids!

I have a copy of DR that I keep close to the chest and have gone as dark as I can being in the same house. I do Not initiate relationship talk,put my energy into the children, do not ask her where she goes,I do not pry into her phone texts,ect.I am following the book closely ,but,With every day she becomes more determined and pushes much harder. She seems drunk on power and control.We have mutual friends who I do not share with but have noticed that they seem kinda cold lately no doubt she has told everyone. Things are steamrolling over me very quickly at this point dont know how to stop her momentum so I can regroup. I am an impatient person and have a temper, She wanted me to get a councelor of my own which I have found recently (she does not know this for fear of seeing me as manipulating)

Throughout our marrige she has vacilated back and forth with everything.Very indecisive.But it seems as if she has every intension of following through with this. I am doing the LRT and have not seen any baby steps for the better. I am doing as best A 180 as I can because this is so fresh. As we all know she probably has planned this for some time.

the result will be

Me in a refrigerator box under a throughway overpass, transient because I make very little money,child support,ect.

W new job good income all the children and possibly a new OM (not really sure about that yet)
I am panicking what more should I do to slow the downward spirial that seems to be picking up speed......HELP!

[Queen_of_Swords]

Dear Bob,
You're doing all the right things, except one from what I can see.
You're letting fear drive you right now.

I don't know if you've ever read "Dune" by Frank Herbert,
in it there is a little self talk about fear the main charater gives himself. In it he describes fear as the little mind killer.

You're thinking you're on a fast track here. It isn't so.
You've got time.
As much as your W is pushing it's still going to take time. Espeically with three kids in the picture.

Breathe. Conciously slow things down. Journal your thoughts, just the act of writing them down slows things down in your head, you won't feel like you're spinning out of control. Take a walk. Do what suits you to get to your relaxed place.
I'm not saying it's easy.

[Queen_of_Swords]

I will put the self talk that I speak of in my Thought for the Day Post.

[Bobby63]

Scylla thank you so much for the prompt support. I have been following other peoples threads for days absorbing the collective wisdom and sense of family that permeates this board.Yes I have read dune and remember that you are right. I am saturated with fear and only dogs, bees and spouses can smell it.
I feel that her impending graduation is being seen as the catylst to a new carefree well funded life to where all her faults and problems (me)are gone at times she seems almost giddy.Although a did catch her the other day with eyes swollen from crying saying "Even though I initiated this it still hurts,I cant imagine how much pain YOU are in." Was invited to go to Maine maple syrup day all over my town with 2 kids herself and SD with boyfriend by W, which I guess comes under baby steps. Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see. I get that ,but, its her actions that have me worried such as the book for the kids,already ordered.

I dont feel as if I have time, and is it possible to effect a change in such a short time. She seems adament and committed.I also feel her tears were more from guilt of breaking up our family than actual sadness from the D she wants. This is going to be tha hardest thing I have ever done.

W is a teacher and social worker and Knows the devastation divorce causes on children but acts as if its nothing Is she thinking clearly. Im confused

[SpinFree]

1) Her life is a fantasy right now. EA/PA possible. Divorce is a big fantasy for her.

2) Go to an attorney. Protect yourself RIGHT NOW!!!

3) Talk to your attorney about getting full custody (best income not equal best parent), getting spousal support (you supported her while she was in school, google spousal support Maine), getting a protective order for her to move out of the marital home based on verbal abuse (dropping the bomb in front of the children).

4) By "zipping up the man suit" you can stop her divorce fantasy up short.

5) Get Dr. Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy, read the book and do the exercises.

TM

[HankScorpio]

Bob,

After reading your post, two things caught my eye:

1. is it possible to effect a change in such a short time

2. its her actions that have me worried such as the book for the kids

My W dropped the bomb on 01/12/2011 and told me that she was done, she wasn't changing her mind and that it was time for me to pack my stuff and go. (Which I did but that was my choice). She filed the paperwork with her attorney exactly one week later.

Two of our kids are in a dance class on Tuesday nights and I see W there every week. On that first Tuesday after the bomb (Only 6 days after I moved out) I was putting my kids in the W car and I saw 8 children's books about divorce that she had checked out from the library. All of these books were made to be read to kids to help them cope with D. Needless to say that when I saw these I was a wee-bit upset. (Especially when I read the title of one of the books "The day daddy left!!). I bite my tongue and never said a word to the W about them and I continued on with my DB.

I tell you this because my W never read those books to my kids. Not one. She never even took them into the house. To this day I don't know why she didn't do it or if she knew that I saw the books. I truly believe that in some cases the WAS will go at the D 100mph after the Bomb and I know that if I pushed W or blew up on her about the books my kids would have heard all 8 of them.

As for the amount of time sitch? I am nowhere near out of the so called woods. I aint even back home yet, but if you read my sitch you will see that on March 9, 2011 my W sat in a counselor meeting with me, looked me dead in the eye and told me that she has absolutely no feelings for me and had not been happy at all in our 9 year marriage.

Last night she kissed me goodnight. This was the first time in years I can remember that my W initiated a kiss with me. She has been checked out mentally for so long that if we did have any affection I always had to start it.

Things can change. Follow the book, try you hardest to detach, watch your back legally and don't give up.

[OnMyWay]

Bobby,

We are here for you. I agree and corroborate all the above.

Per Scylla: You got time. Breathe.
Per Spin: Divorce is her fantasy; protect yourself. [edited by dbmod: advertising] Time to man-up bro.
Per Hank: Listen to him. My sitch is similar. My WAW came at me hard. I did all the wrong things until I figured it out. Be like Hank and do the right things and this will slow down. Let others (books, counselors, etc.) give her the bad news that D ruins everyone. Let others tell her she's the bad guy for going this route. You keep your mouth shut, which you are already doing.

In my sitch, my WAW came at me with both guns loaded. I agreed, "got on board" and pushed her harder towards HER goal. It actually caused her to pause and put on the brakes. A LRT is a wonderful thing. Everty time I agreed, she'd question her motives. Made her wonder if I was up to something or if she was missing something. A month and a half later, she's talking about moving back home. I'm still 180ing her and say "no." Stupid. Believe NOTHING she tells you! Period.

Get yourself together, NOW. Do not let her set the tone. I hate to repeat myself, but man-up. Get a new job to make some money fast. Loose weight. Get your head on straight. What ever it takes to put you in the best position for you and your kids - whatever that is. Do not let her have drive the conversation. Right now, she's calling the shots. You've got to get hold of yourself and put yourself in charge of you. Put some metal in that spine or yours and hold your own for yourself, while agreeing with everything she says: It takes her power away.

Listen: Whatever happens, it WILL BE okay! But, you've gotta get yourself together. Do it. This is a giant wakeup call for you. It will be the best thing that ever happens to you, regardless of what she does.

And keep posting here. We are here for you. You are not alone. We are all going through this. We will all go through this together. You come here to unload you bad emotions. You come here with your questions. You come here to share your secret victories. Keep posting, no matter what. While the outcome may not be what you think, the end result will be very positive and you will be a better man because of it.

Keep BDing!

[Bobby63]

Thank you Spin and Hank for your input.

I dont really have any assets such as a house,stocks and bonds,savings ect. I only have a 1996 vmax and a substantial amount of tools.Would really like to get a DB phone coach but money is VERY tight,I think that an attorney is out of the question for me as it would probably facilitate the divorce faster, also $$$$$$.

A quick update...
The first few days after bomb wife was acutally taxting to "check in" and see how my day was going.The last 2 days it seems if she herself has gone dark,no texts or conversation not even a good morning.Her body language is very negative. At first I saw some baby steps to my DBing. Now it seems as if its not working.

Some questions for you all:

Do I stick with the going grey (living in the same house)and give it more time?

Will her reactions to my DBing get worse before they get better?

What kind of behaviors have people seen from a waw under the same roof, do they vacillate?

My boys 14,11 do not want this to happen but have NOT enlisted their aid, How will she respond to their "acting out" over the sitch?

She seems more cold and distant than ever, I have been DBing my butt off.

One positive note she and I made a chart of what we both wanted to change 2 months ago so I have an outline of sorts.

W intent on pushing, talks to the kids about moving youngest son is buying into her fantasy and anounced LOUDLY yesterday "So mom when are we moving I hate this house (rental with lots of property and we have three dogs). I have also noticed that she is losing her temper more and more with the kids which was something I was guilty of. She has taken up the mantle of diciplinarian.

Thanks again for everyone on this board, This is the pnly place I can vent

[alamo76]

Bobby -- how long have you been DBing? If it's just been days or a couple of weeks, then you have to give it some time, bro. The book says about 2-3 weeks before you see some kind of changes. If things are still negative or getting worse, then time to take stock.

Another thing to consider is your wife may be acting cold and distant because y'all are still in the same house. My wife and I were in the same living situation for months and she finally couldn't take it anymore, because she felt like there was no privacy, no way to "mourn".

BTW, DO NOT use your boys as aid in this, for whatever reason.

[zengypsy]

Bobby....

Welcome to the boards and so sorry you are here. But as you can see, there are alot of us in the same sitch.

Have you considered that your W maybe having an MLC? Have you considered going to C'g on your own?

Keep up yor DB'g. It's all about control with our S's and when we DB it tends to push off kilter a bit with the control.

Stay strong for your kids, do seek advice of a L just for your protection.

We are here, so post often!