Today marks 2 months since the bomb dropped. Feels like an eternity. I am in a very negative place right now- feeling hopeless and helpless and hurting. D4 is so sad that Daddy doesn't live here now, and doesn't understand why. He has become colder toward me, requesting that when he calls to talk to the kids it is ONLY to talk to them, not me. He doesn't communicate with me at all except for vital information exchanged when I come home from work, before he leaves. No more hugs. Nothing. He told his parents that his therapist is pushing him to do MC again, but he hasn't told me anything about that. A week and half ago he told me he wanted to talk about how we got here, but he wanted to wait until he saw his therapist again. He saw her again 5 days ago and hasn't mentioned talking to me at all.
I am trying to find joy in my life, and I do- I adore my girls and am finding that being a "single parent" is not too difficult, but then again I'm working part-time right now. I have been going to the gym 5-6 times a week and working out for over an hour, and loving how that feels. I have done more playdates with friends and their kids. I am taking good care of myself, my kids, my house. But I am still SO angry, scared, frustrated, hurt, confused. I find it impossible to be friendly toward him- I am cold and distant. I am beginning to question WHY I'm hanging on. H has never been the partner or father I wanted him to be- he has always been selfish and it has only gotten worse as time has gone by. I yearn for what could be, not for what was. I always held out hope that things would improve, that he would become a more involved dad and husband/partner, but now we're further away from that than ever. And the distance between us is greater than ever.
Me- 35 H- 36 M- 7 T- 9 D3, D5 Bomb 1/21/11 EA/PA began 12/10? Discovered A 3/2/11 S- 3/3/11 OW gone- 4/27/11 H says he wants to reconcile, but lacking action
I do know how you are feeling, although I no longer have kids at home. Several people have mentioned detaching to you, and that will make more and more sense as time goes by. Separating your being from the being that the two of you created as a whole. Not an easy task, but definitely survival mode.
The anger is quite natural, as well. And grief. The entire gamut of emotions.
Going dark is the best advice I know, but much easier said than done when the H is still around so much. In your case, try dim. Check out Cadet's suggested readings for explaination. If you appear to be not so interested in his life and what he is doing, he'll begin to wonder what you are interested in. It's not a game; it's a means by which to detach yourself.
Glad to hear you are GAL'ng and taking care of yourself. At this point, taking care of yourself and your children is the best you can do.
Come here to rant anytime. Someone will be here to 'catch it'.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
I really can't even stand to look at him right now. He is such a stranger. Is that common?
I was (am) very upset to find out yesterday that during his 3 hours with the kids, he put on the tv for them and napped on the couch. I find that totally inappropriate. I would immediately fire a babysitter who did that, or a daycare provider. He has been doing this for a long time, and I've told him I don't like it, but he doesn't care. He keeps a very messed up sleep schedule, stays up really late at night, has to be to work by 5:30am, comes home around 12-1ish and naps. I can't figure out why, when he's not living at home and has NO responsibilities besides work, he can't get enough rest on his own time so he can devote all his attention to his kids for 3 stinkin hours!
Me- 35 H- 36 M- 7 T- 9 D3, D5 Bomb 1/21/11 EA/PA began 12/10? Discovered A 3/2/11 S- 3/3/11 OW gone- 4/27/11 H says he wants to reconcile, but lacking action
Many of these MLCers are not very good parents. and I understand how frustrating it can be
We cant teach them how to parent and they will get furious if we suggest so I needed to come to some kind of acceptance during that transitional phase when XH moved out and began picking up kids for outings at the arcades and ice cream or sitting in front of TV ect
It wasnt easy but if you could use the time and just continue to take care of yourself as long as the kids are safe, I would let it go I practiced Thanking XH when he took the kids and although it seems very fake at that time I tried to create a friendly environment for all of us, as XH transitioned out into his new life I am grateful I did and have no regrets..I learned more than at any other time of my life and I look back to that time as a blessing
You are doing all the right things and at the end of this journey, you will reap many benefits as many of us did.. just keep going and work on you trust even though you cant see it now
I know this is not what you want,but the suggestions here on this board will and do work when we use them Our M may not be restored but this program will get US thru this and we will gain everything from it Peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Why does this have to be such a long process of suffering? I would rather have had H just say he's done and it's final than live in this limbo. He is no communicating with me at all, even though 2 weeks ago he said he wanted to talk to me about how we got here after he met with his therapist one more time. He's met with her twice since then and hasn't mentioned talking to me at all. I also know his therapist is urging him to have us counsel together, but he hasn't mentioned that to me either. I'm debating suggesting a "separation agreement" counseling session to iron out the terms of our separtation. Should I do that? I quit wearing my wedding rings, but he still wears his, at least when he comes to the house to watch the girls. But at this point we are completely emotionally D.
Me- 35 H- 36 M- 7 T- 9 D3, D5 Bomb 1/21/11 EA/PA began 12/10? Discovered A 3/2/11 S- 3/3/11 OW gone- 4/27/11 H says he wants to reconcile, but lacking action
Cyrena- where can I find your original sitch? Did your H tell you what he did with his time when he ran? How he felt?
Is there anything I can read (preferable online) that explains from the MLCer's point of view what they go through? I am having a terrible time accepting, even though I KNOW H is messed up in the head, but it is still so hard to actually accept that he CANNOT choose to behave differently. Maybe if I could read from that perspective it would make it easier to accept. In not fully accepting that I get sucked in by anger and resentment when I think about him, which is way more often than I'd like to.
Thoughts? Suggestions? Advice?
Me- 35 H- 36 M- 7 T- 9 D3, D5 Bomb 1/21/11 EA/PA began 12/10? Discovered A 3/2/11 S- 3/3/11 OW gone- 4/27/11 H says he wants to reconcile, but lacking action
Meganna, My H moved out this weekend and I have been reading my books on MLC round the clock. I also printed out the stages of MLC from this site to help remind me what is really going on. A couple of books I have found helpful: Men in Midlife Crisis by Jim Conway and also Awakening at Midlife by Kathleen Brehony. I also have printed out from this site Midlife for Dummies--something about the universality of this passage is comforting to me. When I read all of the ridiculous things that so many of these men say and they are identical to what my H has said to me, it helps me to remember that this is about them and not us.
Is your H pushing for divorcce or does he say he just needs time to figure things out?
Hang in there and remember: In the end things will be ok. If they aren't ok, it is not the end. jrr7
Although I've described my situation in various threads, I was not posting here before reaching Piecing. My H never physically left home--he arranged to be in another city "on business" during the week, and then on weekends he'd try to sleep on the couch/go out on long errands, etc, to avoid interactions with his children and myself. (He'd been a great hands-on dad previously.) When he did interact, he really wasn't "there"--he sometimes tried, but his depression put him in a completely different headspace where connection wasn't possible.
Some of it he described to me later--above all, that intense need to escape; sometimes he'd fantasize about driving into a tree and ending it all. He would often ask, "Why did this have to happen to ME?" suggesting he felt like a complete victim.
For the 2 years before he met the OW, I believe he spent his time in the other city going to car and motorcycle shows, going to "younger" bars and restaurants with co-workers (he suddenly drank more), sometimes just driving aimlessly about, listening to younger music and shopping for younger clothes, and making new online friends who shared his interests.
After he met OW, she became his focus, and he spent hours texting/calling her daily. At home, he'd spend hours in the dark playing a song on the piano that it turned out he'd composed about rescuing her from her crappy life. He also threw himself into his work to give his life some worth, I believe.
There have been some post-MLC posters here who've shared what was going on in their heads. One was Butterflymom's husband, FavoriteWierdo. Another had several names, all beginning with Happy (HappyAgain?). The glimpse into his MLC mind was pretty strong stuff: even coming out of the tunnel he was quite vitriolic.
You might be able to search for them among the resourced threads. Also, every year somebody revives them and posts some links--you might check for those, or ask if anyone knows how to access them easily.
I posted several of Happy Again's posts on a thread called "Happy Again's old posts" starting on 10/31/2010. On my 11/8/2010 post I gave a link to many of Happy's old posts. They are fascinating. Happy even made a guest appearance as "happyandcontent".
