GAG I'm so sorry for your loss...I don't think that you need anyone's permission to attend XMIL's funeral, but you can inform XSIL or XH that you are going to be there and maybe offer your help with the preparation of the wake. You XH will need some extra support to deal with this, hopefully he will look to you for that
(((hugs)))
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Continue to be there for the family as you have for XMIL. Take time out for yourself as well. This week will be very difficult.
I would plan to attend the services out of respect for XMIL and the family. I would call Mr. GAG and XSIL and let them know you are planning on attending the services. They will be very happy to hear this.
I do not think you should worry about your position as to where you belong. IMO, you belong standing with the rest of the family. XMIL loved you like a daughter. The family recognizes your valuable support and unselfish dedication to their mother during these past few months.
Mr. GAG has expressed to you he is very happy you have been "there". Give him a day or so to absorb this and then make contact to see if he needs anything.
Take care this week, my thoughts will be with you....
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Thank you CW, Seeking, Cas, Lorie, Mila, and Sanderika VERY much for your support and condolences. Your sympathies mean more to me than you know at a time when most people would expect an X-daughter in-law to be estranged from her former in-laws. My friends here are the only people who really understand how I feel.
Last night I defaulted to the "strong nurse" persona I had to use when I was a hospital nurse "back in the day". Today my grief is setting in and I am even more confused about how all of this affects my 2 1/2 years of DB'ing. I guess I don't need to make a decision about that this week but I think I will try to talk with Jody before the funeral if possible. It will be very difficult to grieve while being at a funeral where XH's current GF#2 is present. I think it will provide me some comfort to know that I will have a history with many of the people who will be there but at the same time I'm sure that GF#2 has met many of these people too. I will do all of the hygiene things a woman does to bolster her confidence when she has to (i.e. nails, hair color, facial, nice dress, etc). It will give me a chance to DB these people too, though it will no doubt be difficult while crying.
So at 12 noon today XH sent an email to a zillion people (friends, co-workers, old GFs) announcing his mother's passing. Here's part of it:
"I arrived home at 4:30pm from vacation/Mexico and promptly received a call from GAG. She stopped-by to see her (mom) at 4pm and found her non responsive. I went directly over there and we sat until I made GAG go home about 9pm. I stayed with Mom until 2am; ............. Unfortunately, my conversation before I left for my vacation would be my last "two way" with Mom. Instead, I held her hand, moistened her mouth, put a cool compress on her head and neck, told her how much I loved and would miss her; then kissed her good night. I never knew one person could have that many tears, but now I know it must be true. I cried at the passing of my Dad, but I guess there's a special bond with Mothers................As they say, "tomorrow is promised to no one"; make the most of today. Love, Mr. GAG"
The first email address in the mass mailing was GF#2's email. XH doesn't know that I know where she works. The email address doesn't list her name. Just her place of work........It was interesting to me that he blind copied me on the email (my email address contains my RL last name) even though he specifically told everyone I was present with him last evening. The only reason I could think he would do that is because even though GF#2 must know my full name, he doesn't think she can't find my e-mail address which is not true. It's everywhere on google because of my professional life..... Does anyone have any other ideas why XH would blind copy me on the mass email?
I also texted X-SIL a bit this afternoon as follows:
Me: I am so sorry for your loss. If there's anyting I can do please don't hesitate to ask. If you would like to talk at all, please feel free to call.
XSIL: Thanks for your support. You have been wonderful thru this. I'll call on you later, I'm sure.
Me: If you have a public funeral would you please let me know? I'd like to pay my respects if that's OK with you and Mr. GAG.
X-SIL: Of course!!!!!!! We're thinking it will be friday at 3pm. Will keep you posted.
Me: Thank you XSIL.
XSIL: No, I am thanking you - so very much. Mr. GAG emailed me and can't stop crying. The two of us will be a pair this week!
Me: I am crying too now.
So I am feeling very confused right now. One more thread between us is severed now although our memories of his mother still remain. Feeling like Mr. GAG may never figure anything out. I don't know. I caught him looking at me with a thoughtful expression on his face a couple times last night, but who knows what he is thinking. Right now I think he is grieving.
Sorry for the long post. Right now I just feel kind of lost. Feel like I lost XMIL and I'm losing hope for reconciling with XH too. If anyone has different perspective or insights I welcome them.
The email from your H made me tear up! I have no clue why he would blind copy the email to you!
The physical thread may be gone but the emotional one is there and the memories that you both share of your xmil. He does know and appreciate all that you did for his Mother.
I am sure he is grieving and so are you so this
Quote:
I'm losing hope for reconciling with XH too.
I believe is a something that is part of that grieving and the emotions you are going thru right now. He may be unavailable for awhile during the process of planning the funeral and his own grieving process but that doesn't mean that he is gone!!!
Quote:
"tomorrow is promised to no one"; make the most of today. Love, Mr. GAG"
It already sounds like he is thinking and processing...
I hope you can talk to Jody! Take care!!!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Thanks CW. You're right in that my grief is probably superimposed on the frustration I had last week with XH going on vacay. Thank you for that perspective.
I forgot to say that last night while XH and I were chatting at XMIL's bedside I told him that I'd visited her every 2 weeks since he moved out of her house. That was almost 2 years ago. I've never told him or XSIL that before because I wanted the focus to be on my R with XMIL. I always thought that XH would probably see the fresh flower bouquet I brought every time I visited and realize that I had brought them, but I realize that MLC men can be pretty clueless. The conversation flowed naturally in that direction last night so I told him.
I'm remembering more bits and pieces of our convo as I work around the house today.
Last night XH also said that when they vacationed, his 1st W always wanted to be doing something every minute and it drove him crazy. This is the same 1st W that XH told me he was still in love with 2 years ago (6 months post-bomb). He left her too and she remarried about 6 years ago. This makes me think he is still very confused.
Then XH talked about a long-time female friend (she's like a sister to him) who's been D'ed for ~15 years. He said that she would be difficult to live with because she is so exacting and wants everything to be a specific way.
Those unsolicited comments just came out of his mouth. Made me think that he has been thinking about the qualities he wants in a life partner. He must be thinking about how GF#2 measures up.
