Cautiously Optimistic

[Queen_of_Swords]

Just a short muse...

For the last little while the words going through my head when I start to think about my H. are " H. just doesn't care."
Over and over.
I don't know if this is a self defence mechanism or not, but it sure is reducing my anxiety level.
If someone does not care, you can just turn away and not care either.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Journalling - Update
I had an activity I had to attend today. So I requested H. watch the kids longer than usual this afternoon. He was agreeable. The activity lasted a lot longer than I anticipated so I texted him. He was again agreeable. "Don't rush, should I feed the kids? Will you pick them up or should I drop them off?"

H. dropped them off shortly after I got home. He asked me about the activity, and about my other appointment that goes on midweek. He hung around her for about 40 minutes. H.is still sick and coughing hard.

I won't detail what the conversation involved. H. to me, appeared only mildly interested in what I had to say.
I was matter of fact and neighbourly.

I tell you, Where once I felt love/affection/pain/anger/sadness, I now feel like I do when I talk to a stranger. There is only recognition.

I have a desire to sit down and talk to H. and tell him not to bother coming by anymore. Just stay away.
I don't want to see him or talk to him. What's the point?
I feel I'm ready to work him out of my life as much as I can.
If I get H. to occupy fewer of my thoughts, and shrink that place that used to have his name on it in my heart, maybe he'll just disappear.
My life, my dreams, my hopes, my work are not something he wants to be a part of anyway. He still wants to be part of the kids' lives. I'm just excess baggage.

I won't give in to that desire right now. It is how I'm feeling though.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Just letting all the BITS know that I won't be around much.
I've started a new job in addition to the ones I already have.

[ninelives]

Hope you dont disappear for good SC, always nice to read your thoughts.
You were sooo good on this site.

All the best.

9

[Still learning]

Hey SC, thanks for the kind words and advice from my first day on the board. I can't match your quotes and inspirational words of wisdom. But, this has always been one of my favorites. Be excellent.

True worth is in being not seeming
in doing each day some little good
not in dreaming
but of good things to do by and by

For what even men say in their blindness
and in spite of the fancies of youth
there is nothing so kingly as kindness
and nothing so noble as truth.

[JustStunned]

SC, I also hope you check in from time to time. I know how tough it is to balance everything we're trying to accomplish. Obviously the only contact we've had is through this board, but I feel like a good friend is moving away. Take Care

[Brian in Hville]

Scylla..I'll still be praying for you. Just let us know here and there how things are going.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Oh I'll still post, just not as often, time will be in rather short supply.

Journalling - Update Mar. 28,2011

Got the surprise of my life this morning. H. texted me as I was driving to new job. "Good luck on your new job, you'll do great."
<Raise your eyebrows here....I did>
I texted back a thank you.

I pick up the phone tonight, it's H. He asks me how the day went. I tell him it went fast. There is a lot to do.

We talk a little more, I say goodnight and get my kids on the phone. I go to make a cup of tea in the kitchen and suddenly my child is there saying "Dad wants to talk to you again."
H.asks me about a game that the kids want to purchase. I tell him it's ok, and since we were talking about appropriate content with the game, I mentioned something else he had to be aware of in that regard and how I handled it when it came up last week. He thanked me for bringing it to his attention.

[Brian in Hville]

Scylla...this sound like progress. Baby steps..but progress.

[Eryam]

Agreed! Hooray baby steps!