Albuquerque living part 3:Strapped in for the ride

[Albuquerque]

Thanks for your kind words Angel. I did end up deciding to go. Just the act of me talking to a counselor ended up causing some major ripples and it was unintended.

H and I share an online calendar. It helps coordinate child issues and scheduling out of town trips (which we both end up having to do quite a lot). I have a tendency to forget things easily unless I write them down, so I use my calendar a lot. So when I made my counselor appt, I put it in the calendar. I hesitated to do so because I knew H could see, so I just labeled it "Jodi" so it wasn't obvious what was up. Nonetheless, he saw it listed and asked me via text (because he was out of town) what it meant. I briefly considered what my response should be but decided honesty was in order and simply said "a counselor". H asked if it was for me or D and I said it was for me. Well....apparently that totally freaked H out. He said he had a very visceral response to this news because he sees me as unshakeable. As always having all my chit together. And I guess it shook him to the core to see that perhaps I TOO have my own issues. Although it was via text, I could see that it freaked him out. All of the sudden he was suggesting M counseling, saying that he's spent too much time talking to me about his issues but hasn't spent any time listening to me. And flat out telling me he didn't want to lose me (which is really the first time he's indicated a WANT of ME rather than just not minding being around me for the sake of D). He asked me what he needed to do to make my life easier. I said "stop having a girlfriend". He agreed but then asked if still wanted to "date him". I told him "not while you can't leave your girlfriend". He felt that "girlfriend" was a strong term but said he understood what I meant. Unbeknownst to me (but he told me later), he felt super nauseous and had a major anxiety attack.

The DB session itself was pretty good. It was the pick me up I needed at the time and I ended the call feeling good. Jodi gave me some good reminders and made me think about a few things in a new way. She said that H's decision to take sex off the table is probably a good thing since he IS stringing the OW along, but I'm not to act any different. In fact, continue being my alluring self just to make him remember what it is he's not having.

H knew when my call ended and was ready and waiting for me to call him afterwards. I had a pole dancing class 30 minutes later and didn't really want to get into TOO deep of a conversation or recount my session. So I delayed calling until about 10 minutes before my class and just said a few words. It was then that H told me how the counselor news had affected him and he said he wanted to talk about it later (something Jodi said I should refrain from doing too much of). I was vague but just ended the call by saying I had to go writhe and act slutty next to a pole now. That seemed to please him

We never did talk any further about that or my session. He got pretty ill and drove home that evening and pretty much went to bed. Work kept us apart the next day. On Thursday morning, H was coming by in the morning so I could take him to get his car tuned up prior to our road trip. As I was waiting for him to arrive, I was going over things in our shared calendar because I was adding a few items. I was surprised to see an entry in his calendar that was actually a request. I can send him requests and it'll show up with a question mark. Once he accepts, then it'll become permanent. The request wasn't something I had sent so I was intrigued and clicked on it. Come to find out, it was sent by OW. Needless to say, I was peeved. Especially since our D ALSO shares this calendar. Once he showed up, I showed him the entry, told him THAT was why I continued to call OW his girlfriend, and that that type of thing cannot continue to happen, especially on a family calendar. He apologized and was clearly shooken up quite a bit. Once I said my peace, I did my best to continue my day as I would have previously and didn't stay bitchy or angry. It wouldn't have served a purpose. Unfortunately, he hadn't gotten a lot better from his illness and actually went to the doctor later that morning and got some meds. That evening, we met up with his family and just hung out for a bit before calling it a night. That was the first time since the counselor incident that H and I spent time together and he was very obviously trying to be affectionate with me.

The following day we went to a theme park with his family. His mom, in particular, as sweet as she is, is SOOO frustrating to be around. And fortunately for me, H feels the same way. So we both kind of leaned on each other for support that day in order to make it through. But nonetheless, we managed to have some fun and H was insistent on trying to hold my hand or hug me or something throughout the entire day. I give him props for making it through the day given how crappy he was feeling. Unfortunately, he didn't get much better and the day really wore him out. So although we had planned to do another event the following day, H told his family he really just needed to go back home. We decided to leave D with them so she could spend the weekend with her cousins and I drove back with H. I will drive back over there this evening and pick her up.

That meant that H and I had a day alone without D. Once I drove back, I figured H would go back to his place and sleep. Surprisingly, he chose to do that at the house instead and still hasn't gone back to his place. We went out to dinner and then watched a movie together. And he slept with me all night and didn't sneak out in the middle of the night. This morning as we were still snuggled, he tried to initiate sex. I reminded him that that was off the table by his rules. He said that since they were his rules, he could change them. I sweetly said that his rules made sense and I didn't want to confuse him. He reluctantly agreed and went back to snuggling. I couldn't sleep as much as him (since he's still not feeling well) so I got up late morning. He still remains in the house. He seems more mentally stable than before, but the OW issue has to be figured out.

Interestingly, I've been RE-blocked on FB by OW. I was only unblocked for about a day and I never mentioned it to H. I kind of think she unblocked me so she could see the comments and stuff that I'VE made on H's posts. She's clearly insecure about the whole situation and wants to keep tabs on me. Sometimes we worry so much about our own issues that we fail to realize that WE are constantly on the minds of the OP.

Overall I'm feeling a bit more optimistic. H knows what needs to be done. It's just a matter of seeing if it will happen.