Take The Long Way Home...

[FellOnBlackDays]

Pei, Nine, Onmyway, thanks for the support. This week has turned out to be much more difficult than I anticipated. The emotional roller coaster that has become my life is every bit as terrifying and gut wrenching as a real roller coaster. I have gone from moments of joy quickly to never-ending bouts of shear terror. Getting through Thursday was not as bad as I thought it would be. But for some reason, the past 48 hours have been much harder.

I went out with some buddies last night. One of them in particular I had not seen in over three months. After we got some drinks in us, he began opening up and feeling more comfortable with my sitch and he began asking me questions about the separation. At one point, he got kind of emotional and started telling me that he just cannot believe that there is nothing more I can do. He also became somewhat openly critical of my wife for leaving and not giving our marriage a fighting chance. He is a very good friend and used to go on vacations with my w and I, so I value his friendship and opinion. I let him speak his peace and then explained to him that there was really much I could do other than what I have been doing. I thought the entire conversation went well. But, when I got in the car to go home, I really could not get the convo out of my head.

None the less, I have been in an awful funk all day. I know my buddy meant well, but his words really hit home. His attitude and words put forth the notion, "Man, I think what she is doing is wrong and this is horsesh*t. Her behavior at this point is unacceptable." I have struggled all day today with that sentiment. There is so much about her behavior to this point that is truly unacceptable. But, I guess I will just have to turn a blind eye to it for now. She is confused and one of us has to be the logical one.

I dunno, but maybe it's time to put this behind you - for you to grab life by the horns and start living it for yourself. What do you think? Like the movie Shawshank Redemption, "Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." I hate seeing you beat yourself up over something you can't control, but I certainly do understand. All BITS have to sort through their demons their own way. At least we can come here, dump on each other, and get some badly needed camaraderie from other BITS who are going through the same thing.

Keep up the good fight, FOBD. It will be worth it in the end. Just don't let it control who you are or who you become.

Peace, brother.

Onmyway, don't think for a minute these thoughts have not crossed my mind. There are things that I want to do right now and I am not moving forward with these plans because much of it will hinge on whether or not she returns. Yes, sitting in Purgatory is awful and very unhealthy for the mind and soul. But, for now, I am making a choice to fight for my marriage. Making that choice will force me to "tread water" for awhile, so to speak. I am sure there will come a time in the very near future where I will decide that I am no longer willing to sit here and let my life pass. But, that day is not here just yet. Thanks for the support and keep in touch.

FOBD

[cat04]

FOBD,

Your talk with your friend, I remember those. Seems like everyone wants to suddenly share their true opinion of your M and your S when they think it is over.

While sometimes I was truly amazed at things I heard, other times, I felt more like you do...

Yes what your W is doing is the pits and unfair and all of that stuff...

Not even here will you hear that it isn't.

It doesn't mean that you can't still try to make the marriage work. It doesn't mean that you can't someday (if you both choose) rebuild. Forgivness is a wonderful gift that we give to ourselves and other people.

Try not to let that conversation raise your anger. That could lead to emotional decisions that you could possibly regret down the road.

And listen, if there is something you want to do, then do it...

Your W, can always join you later down the road.

[Eryam]

I think that most of our loved ones that know about our situations would also say things like:

"Man, I think what she is doing is wrong and this is horsesh*t. Her behavior at this point is unacceptable."

But despite their well-meaning, they don't know how to DB. I think we can all agree that our spouses during this insanity (yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and say in about half the cases they are insane) do some absolutely ridiculous crap. We know that a lot of times this is NOT the person we married. It's the depression talking, or the MLC talking, or whatever. And so we have to be the strong ones, the logical ones because frankly they lack all logic at this point a lot of times. Our loved ones don't like to see us hurting, but remember that they are helping themselves by saying those things because THEY do not want to feel uncomfortable and sad for you. They mean well, but they know not what they do.

Keep doing your thing, especially if you feel like it's the right thing. Most all of us want to fight for our marriages, despite the "horsesh*t". We know if we can get through this, it's only temporary.

[ninelives]

FOBD

As always we have you back here and want only whats best for you.

I have said this before, NOBODY knows how this is going to play out. Although they are making bad choices brought on by who knows what, these choices may be everlasting. What I mean by that, they may :

A) Continue with these choices as they see them as painful but necessary for them because they were SOOO unhappy

B) See them as a mistake , but cant fix them. Are ashamed to come back and think that if things were tough before, they will be unbearable because of their guilt or shame

C) Want to come back and despite your best efforts and hope that you will forgive, YOU really cant forget the pain, hurt and humilation she caused.

Any one of these scenarios could be a reality in which case, it is difficult if not impossible to build a relationship again despite our best intentions.

I dont know what to say FOBD, as always, ONLY time will tell how this will end.

One thing I can almost guarantee is that when the WAS gets older and starts to reflect on their life, I believe that is when the regret will hit them like a 2x4. But at that stage, what does it really matter.

Hang in there buddy.

9

[lostinscared]

FOBD,

Time to get what your friend said out of your mind. Take my word on this. We can justify within ourselves that what our spouses is wrong, however, what we can't escape is the wrong that we've done. And what we especially cannot escape is the fact that these thoughts build resentment within us that we will have a much harder time overcoming. For a long time, I thought that the fight was with my H. I learned after time that the fight was squarely within myself. Do not let these types of thoughts consume you. If you want to fight for your M, then fight. That also means fighting these types of thoughts.

I'm praying for you, sweetie. It's a tough road. But believe, with all your heart, with strength, you'll make it.

LIS

[OnMyWay]

Yeah, I find myself having to defend my WAW all the time with my friends who think what she is doing is horsesh*t. Of course, they don't have all the facts and, whether they want to believe it or not, our WAWs have their "reasons" for doing what they do. Like it or not, I have to respect those reasons.

I let them know that everything will be ok regardless and to please not hold it against my WAW, as somewhere in there, she is still the same person she always was . . . sort of.

[KJfa]

OMG - the radio is the worst!!! I keep changing the station just to keep from crying or getting REALLY mad...

I'm sorry for the pain you are going thru...

[FellOnBlackDays]

Well, I will keep this short as I don't have the stomach right now to discuss this much further.

My W came over tonight to get a few things from the house. She came over, we watched TV together for 45 minutes and laughed a bit. Then, she let me have it...

Tonight my W informed me that she no longer sees any reason for us to continue and that she has decided to file for divorce. I tried to argue but was meant with anger and venom. I would give a detailed account, but I just don't feel like it. All you need to know is this, six months of giving her space, playing nice and showing her support apparently did nothing to fix inside her head the reasons why she left months ago. She has made up her mind and it does not seem to bother her that her path will be littered with dead chunks of her marriage and husband.

I am a shattered human being right now. Maybe tomorrow night I will post some details, but not now. I have to go to work tomorrow and face my clients. I need some sleep. I guess I will also have to contact my A.

In every bad situation, there are always winners and losers. You go into every situation either hoping or believing you will not be a casualty. But, when you are lying on the floor and the reality starts to set in that you are not going to get up, life goes pretty dark and any visions of success seem to fade away.

Dear god, what has happened to my life? Who knows, but I will get up in the morning, go to work and be the best person I can be tomorrow. She can tear my heart out, she can bury our marriage in a shallow grave deep in the woods, but she CANNOT KILL ME! She CANNOT crush my spirit to live, breathe and take care of myself. I have my health, I have my family and I have my soul. I guess that will have to support me for now.

Wife, if it is a divorce you need, than it is a divorce you shall have. In life a person can do many things, but you CANNOT make someone love you who does not. No matter what, I still and always will love you. I hope you find what you are looking for.


FOBD

[♪CS♪]

Jesus FOBD, I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say right now. I can throw all the typical verbiage out there, but I know you have heard it before. Just stay strong, that is all I can think of. Really, it's all any of us can do. Garner every ounce of strength we have in the darkest hours.

[Queen_of_Swords]

I have been where you are. (((FOBD))).
All I can tell you is I have reached a point where I am pulling back. Where I no longer care enough to initiate talk or contact.

I have grown, my S. has not. Will he catch up? Only by his choice. Am I concerned with it anymore? Not so much. I loved him like I loved no one else. I still choose to love him and feel compassion for the lost and hurt child inside the man he truly is.

I'm letting go.
I can't fix H. I can't advise or help him either.
I can't change the past or circumstances now. I can only choose to be happy, choose to make my own way in this world, and choose to shrink that part of my mind and heart that was devoted to H and his well being.

I have a feeling you will reach this point too.
I'll be praying that you get some peace this night and future nights as well.