Just finished reading through your thread. I had not read it before because I am doing by best to stay positive and did not want to hear anybody telling me that being positive is painful.
Of course I know it can be, I just wasn't ready to tackle the idea head on.
Now I am and maybe this will help us both.
I completely disagree with you.
I do not believe that staying positive is positively painful.
My understanding is that all human behavior is driven by one of two primary mental impulses. Either the need to avoid pain, or the desire to gain pleasure.
First we have negative thoughts which are trying to keep us out of pain - they are telling us to be careful and suggesting ways that we can protect ourselves. Negative thoughts are for survival and so often come louder and faster than positive thoughts.
In contrast, our positive thoughts are constantly seeking pleasure and telling us to "go for it" - they are constantly offering up ways for us to feel good, be creative, enjoy, have fun...
Like being a judge in the courtroom, their is a challenge being able to assess both points of view to determine what is best.
Most people are unaware they have the ability to simply be neutral for a moment and objectively view the drama going on in their head.
They have not yet learned that knowing there essential purpose - knowing what's real and truly most important to them - is the way to determine when it is time to put on the gas, and when it is time to put on the breaks.
I submit to you it is not staying positive that is painful. What is painful is focusing on the loss. Focusing on the pain. Focusing on what is bad.
"There are no greater slaves than those who believe they are free"
IMHO it appears you think you are staying positive, and you may even be thinking of being free, but as long as WE focus on what's gone or what went wrong, we will fail to move forward.
We will think we have moved on when we really haven't, and so of course we won't.
To me staying positive doesn't so much mean having hopes of reconciling with my wife. I do have those hopes, but more and more I am learning to let go and "trust in God while locking up my camels".
Being positive means being positive for me. For becoming a better man for me. Not for my wife. Not even for me kids.
For me.
I am positive that things I am doing to make myself feel better will have a positive impact on all of my relationships, as well as give me the strength of character required for that time when and if I ever decide that I am ready to burn the bridge completely and cut my WAW off for good.
For now, what keeps me feeling positive are the things I do each day to feel great about myself.
I am no longer looking for, requiring, or depending on my wife's actions to help me to stay positive about our relationship, our chances together, or anything else.
I am continuing to give her chances, I am just very careful about being so attached to them that it makes me feel unstable.
This all very new for me, as well. In fact just the other day I allowed my fears to get the better of me and went careening way off track, but I've noticed that the more I focus on feeling better about myself, the better I keep on doing for myself.
I adored hearing your comments about the Packers and monster truck racing and all this other quick little bursts that were so genuinely you.
That's the Dad who is truly blessed and can inspire other people, myself included, to really be their best.
Thank you for being you, and quit crying about crap like this...
Originally Posted By: Blessed2BeADad
It is truly discusting the way she treats me. I am a father raising 4 children with little help from her and paying her child support so she can drop our children off at a babysitter on the rare occassions she has them.
The worst part is she had humiliated me for holding on and now plans to crucify me for moving on. How in God's name can she show NO MERCY to a man who has only defended against her attacks... A man who was loyal and good to her... A man who is a great father handling a great responsibility... A man that she wronged? Lord please tell me how!?
What are some things you can now focus on being, doing or having even more, that might then result in you being, doing and having even more?
Peace.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
Busting: Based on your post, I'd say I am still not free. Although I have days that I do very well, there are still days I think way too much about "what's gone". I can say I stopped thinking about what went wrong, so I can say there has been progress.
My best position so far was when I threw up my hands and said there's nothing more I can do. As I have heard and read, I put it in God's hands. That was just before that first hearing, and I was unbelievably calm then and everything went well.
I completely agree with your advice to, "quit crying about crap like this...". I realize that is wasted energy and I am working on that daily.
I am a great father, but I still feel I could focus more on being a better parent and less on W. Also I was eating well and excercising regularly for about 6 months, but the last two months I have not. I MUST get back to that because it made me feel great about myself and reduced stress greatly! I would like to take more time for myself, to recharge more frequently. I can see I need to put some more thought into this.
My biggest obstacle is trying not to focus on W. We currently do not speak at all, and I must admit I'm more relaxed because of it. I found myself getting dragged into her drama party and then blamed for causing it, so currently I have decided it's best to just block her out for the moment until I can get my bearings. I decided to sort of scrap any hopes of reconciling and just focus on me and life without her... I have accepted this is a likely outcome.
A few things have happened since my last post. My W wanted separately to go on a trip with her mother & sisters, because she needed to get away (I'd like to know what away from, since she barely has to parent). She begged me to watch the kids so she could go. My response was an absolute NO. she begged by text, called repeatedly by phone on the day they were to go. She got upset with me over the phone when I told her to stop harassing me, she mentioned I had been the one harassing her with text messages, and she considered filing a police report. That was about all I could take. She continues to create drama in my life by stretching the truth and outright LYING. Funny thing is when I advised her I was not going to tolerate her accusation when she was the guilty party and that I would be changing my number ad soon as I hung up the phone, she said, "You can't do that!" I advised her you have my home number and my email for contact purposes regarding the kids. I have changed my cell number... No more texts from her (almost always to get a reaction outa me)... No more accusations!
Propt to the number change my W had been upset about switching vehicles, so she suggested we trade in our vehicles (I need to because mine doesn't fit us all... She does not... She does not need one just wants a new car) the new loans would be our individual responsibility. I did not respond for a month, but when things were calmer I did contact her about her earlier suggestion and that I would be interested in do so. Two days later I get a copy of the letter from W's attorney stating I told her I was gonna trade it in without approval, and that I was harassing her about the vehicles.
She has been recently contacting me regarding the tax refund... I filed but no $ yet. I advised her she owes me court ordered $ such as kids lunches, health premiums, enrollment fees, etc. $400 about. She initially said, I'm not paying you Shhh! I told her she was ordered to... Later she stalls a bit and eventually says I don't know if I can pay you this month (already a month late). I said if you want I can take it out of the refund. She say no give me my tax refund and I'll pay you on my own... Lol... She's not gonna pay! I pay her child support on time, but she just tries to make my life as miserable as she can. She kept asking if I would be paying her as soon as taxes arrive... A baiting maneuver I suspect... I just responded, Your in violation of the court order and I'm nit gonna discuss this issue with you any longer. She keeps emailing now asking about if the taxes arrived... They have not but will this coming week I bet... I am so tempted just to deduct what she owes... have to check with attorney. Nonsense!!!
