Take The Long Way Home...

[FellOnBlackDays]

Pei, Nine, Onmyway, thanks for the support. This week has turned out to be much more difficult than I anticipated. The emotional roller coaster that has become my life is every bit as terrifying and gut wrenching as a real roller coaster. I have gone from moments of joy quickly to never-ending bouts of shear terror. Getting through Thursday was not as bad as I thought it would be. But for some reason, the past 48 hours have been much harder.

I went out with some buddies last night. One of them in particular I had not seen in over three months. After we got some drinks in us, he began opening up and feeling more comfortable with my sitch and he began asking me questions about the separation. At one point, he got kind of emotional and started telling me that he just cannot believe that there is nothing more I can do. He also became somewhat openly critical of my wife for leaving and not giving our marriage a fighting chance. He is a very good friend and used to go on vacations with my w and I, so I value his friendship and opinion. I let him speak his peace and then explained to him that there was really much I could do other than what I have been doing. I thought the entire conversation went well. But, when I got in the car to go home, I really could not get the convo out of my head.

None the less, I have been in an awful funk all day. I know my buddy meant well, but his words really hit home. His attitude and words put forth the notion, "Man, I think what she is doing is wrong and this is horsesh*t. Her behavior at this point is unacceptable." I have struggled all day today with that sentiment. There is so much about her behavior to this point that is truly unacceptable. But, I guess I will just have to turn a blind eye to it for now. She is confused and one of us has to be the logical one.

I dunno, but maybe it's time to put this behind you - for you to grab life by the horns and start living it for yourself. What do you think? Like the movie Shawshank Redemption, "Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." I hate seeing you beat yourself up over something you can't control, but I certainly do understand. All BITS have to sort through their demons their own way. At least we can come here, dump on each other, and get some badly needed camaraderie from other BITS who are going through the same thing.

Keep up the good fight, FOBD. It will be worth it in the end. Just don't let it control who you are or who you become.

Peace, brother.

Onmyway, don't think for a minute these thoughts have not crossed my mind. There are things that I want to do right now and I am not moving forward with these plans because much of it will hinge on whether or not she returns. Yes, sitting in Purgatory is awful and very unhealthy for the mind and soul. But, for now, I am making a choice to fight for my marriage. Making that choice will force me to "tread water" for awhile, so to speak. I am sure there will come a time in the very near future where I will decide that I am no longer willing to sit here and let my life pass. But, that day is not here just yet. Thanks for the support and keep in touch.

FOBD