Thanks. H is sleeping in spare room. I initiated that we go through finances to see if we can afford for him to move out & we can't. Going to live separately under same roof - so hard. I really struggle to speak to him.
Is there really any chance of saving my marriage? H says he does not love me. H says he loves ow & wants future with her. H is very detached from me - no empathy or understanding. I feel dreadful.
Has anyone got any practical things I can do to get through this?
I have tried dressing up & going out - he isn't bothered / doesn't notice.
I have tried being kind, making his pack lunch, making him drinks etc - he accepts this & says thank you but nothing else.
I have tried being affectionate (as he said I wasn't) he does not want this.
I have tried acting like ow does not exist - he pushes it until I am faced with the fact she does.
What should I do now. We are living together but separately. Should I cook his meals / do his washing as normal or not? Should I chat to him & let him think we are friends? This feels like letting him get away with treating me badly.
Should I avoid him - keep out of his way? Should I ask him to leave?
Your story sounds similar to mine. In my case, my H moved out nearly 6 months ago, after talking & texting her in front of me for 3 months. It was hard having him move, but i think it will help in long run. Our H's need to work thru this on their own, in their own time. We need to work on us. More than likely the novelty of the A will wear off & then you will have a chance to possibly work on your M.
I think your H is getting his cake & eating it too. He has made it clear that he thinks he loves her now, not you. Believe me, I know how painful this is. But, why would we want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with us. Work on detaching from him. Let him see what he is losing.
This takes time & TON of patience. Keep reading & posting.
Reading your sitch has taken me back to the beginning of mine! All the emotions and wondering what things I should be doing to make my H pick me!
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Should I cook his meals / do his washing as normal or not? Should I chat to him & let him think we are friends? This feels like letting him get away with treating me badly.
Should I avoid him - keep out of his way? Should I ask him to leave?
First off, you have children...you are cooking for them, for your family...not H. If he is there to eat...great...if not, no special favors!
Do you normally wash his clothes when you do laundry? If it is part of your routine, then it is ok to keep doing it.
As for chatting and being his friend...I wouldn't be overly friendly...don't follow him from room to room talking to him. Be nice, say hello...talk about the kids...but keep away from R talk...let him ask questions or initiate any other convo's...listne, don't offer help/advice/solutions unless he asks!
Don't avoid him in an obvious way (ex. leave a room when he walks in) but don't follow him around either! The list posted in the beginning of your thread is a good one to read and read again!
I hope this helps a little! It has been over a year since I read the DR book...I know the pain that you are feeling very well and I can promise you that it does get better!
I know some things seem so opposite of what you think you should do...that is why they are called 180's! Hang in there!
Take care of you and your kids!!!!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
hang in there. You can do this. Read the list of 180's and re read as many times as yo need to.
my advice it to let him see what life without you will be like. make dinner for your kids and you. If there is any left over for him, then i guess he gets to eat. Do not do his laundry, or clean up after him. If he wants to be separated, well then he has to learn to tae care of himself.
When my wife left, i had to do all that she did for me, it sucked, but i now do it all. It will be tough for him once you stop doing these things.
I cant say this enough, worry about what you can do and change. You cannot change him, while he is in this affair, nothing you say or do will make him stop. He has to do that on his own. Go out, go to the gym, dresss nice all the time, even when just cleanng the house. Make time to see friends and dont give him the details, just tell him, he has the kids and your going out. Dont lie to him, but dont give him any details. let him think your going out on the town.
take care and focus on yourself right now and your children.
