W and I have dinner plans tonight. I am a little on edge. This will be the first dinner out alone since the one we had a week after the bomb, where I tried to reason with her to change her mind.
She knew what that first dinner was for. Tonight is so we can spend time together. I will not R talk and look forward to spending time with my W even thou I have to go to a different house at the end of the night.
Haven't even started the night and I already blew it with the W. Five minuets after my last post I get call from W. She wants to know when I am picking her up. I tell her (for third time) and she says that she gets done with the sale she has been working/shopping the last two days she is going to run to Urgent Care cause she is having problem with one of her toes.
I ask very nice what is wrong and she says that she thinks that something bit her earlier in week cause one toe was itching on Tuesday, yesterday there was a bump and today it has been hurting real bad. She says that she should be done with sale at 5 and hopes to be back home to start getting ready by 6. I was to be there at 6:30. I ask her if she wants me to drive her UC and she says no thanks but when I tell her that she won't have time to get ready she says that she doesn't care. I tell that if she wants to call tonight off she can and she replies we will see.
I get off the phone and my mom (who heard call) starts in on me. You letting her play you, your dangling on her string, why didn't she go to UC Thursday, Friday, Tomorrow, why tonight. Call her back and tell her that the plans are off. Etc
I start to get mad as hell. I have dreading a call like this all day cuase of the way W has been flip floping. So I call W back and flat out ask her if she wants to go tonight or not. She says yeah why? I say well you seem to not care if we do. She says that she just wanted to let me know that she wanted to get this done cause she has baby shower tomorrow and no would be better. I say that the baby shower is more important than tonight?
I ask "Yes or No do you want to go"
"Its Fine" (cold)
"I asked yes or no"
"Yes" (cold)
"Would you like me to see if I can get reservations changed to later to give you more time"
"Sure" (cold)
We hang up. I'm so mad at myself I could spit nails!!! I had hopes for tonight and now its gonna suck. She is going to be pissed and it is the same old H to her. Why does everything have to hurt so much. Why does it have to be so hard!!!
To be honest I see this night now being a disaster. I know my W, she is the kind of person that will not let this slide. I will ice storm from her during the dinner and will not hear from her for days.
I only have myself to blame. I'm a grown man. But my god will it kill one of my family members to say something positive just ONE time!
I will look back on this moment as the final nail in our D coffin.
If by some chance one of the vets or moderator happen to be on and reading could I get advice as to how to try and fix this??
Should I apologize for my actions or just let it go? In the past when I would get upset over something she thought was done I would always say I'm sorry and try to have good time
Hank I am not a veteran but IMO this is blip. I imagine it feels like a critical error on your part. Been there myself.
W is still waiting for you pick her up that is a positive. You thought enough to ask her if she would like the time of the reservation changed, that is a positive. Put on your best self tonight, happy, calm energy. If you must, apologise for the misunderstanding and express sympathy for her need to go to urgent care. Sometimes the most simple things turn emergent in 24 hours. You can say something to that effect to show your understanding.
Next time avoid this sort of thing:
Quote:
So I call W back and flat out ask her if she wants to go tonight or not. She says yeah why? I say well you seem to not care if we do. She says that she just wanted to let me know that she wanted to get this done cause she has baby shower tomorrow and no would be better. I say that the baby shower is more important than tonight?
Instead of making an accusastion about how she might be feeling (mind reading) tell her how YOU feel. ie: I was looking forward to dinner with you. I enjoy your company.
Post mortems of mistakes are a beyotch but learn from this one dude.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Hi Hank--you're pushing/pursuing too much -- back off. Let HER ask YOU.
Do not apologize-just move forward. Be NONCHALANT. Not cold, not overly warm, not pursuing.
ACT AS IF nothing happened (in a sense, nothing did).
LRT--do not pursue, which means do not intiate at all--don't offer to help at this point. Let her ask. Be LESS available (not not available, just less so.).
Just HAVE FUN tonight. I have read that while love isn't always fun, fun often leads to love.
I agree with the others. I think if you back off and let it go, you'll be fine. I know it must be very hard to have those little voices in your ear saying those incredibly negative things. That's why you have us. Remember that everyone out there does not know the rules for DBing and therefore cannot give appropriate advice. I know that's why I've tried to keep who's in the know on my situation to a calculated minimum. Even then, those who know are beginning to become weary of the situation. Remember that while those people love you, they do not like seeing you in pain, and will tell you all kinds of things in order to make THEM feel less bad for you. It doesn't necessarily mean it helps YOU, it helps THEM. You may need to create filters for each person and say to yourself, "while I know that was meant to be supportive, that person is talking out of their a$$ and doesn't know the rules. I'll just nod and smile."
