While I agree with everything you've said whole heartedly, by law H has the right since he pays C/S to have reasonable visitation time with his children. He really doesn't spend a whole lot of time with them.
Many, many here send their children with their spouse knowing full well the spouse is living with the OP while still married to them. Many here hate that fact, but by law there's not a damn thing that can be done about it.
My L did say that my children were old enough to make up their own minds about whether they want to meet ow or not. I'm praying that D does not want to go, but preparing myself if she does.
This is one sitch I can't control. I'm learning all about those.
I am sorry you find yourself in this position. Like you, I would be feeling anxious about it but would know that it is your d's decision. I am very fortunate that my children were both very adamant that they wanted nothing to do with ow and H recognised this and didn't offer situations that involved both parties.
I understand your insecurity flaring about d's possible attachment to ow but as you've already recognised you and D have a wonderfully close relationship and although she's still young she's smart enough to know that unconditional love and support come from you. She wouldn't think of sacrificing that! Our children are sensitive and intuitive.
Talk this over with D and get her take on the situation.
Thank you Cas for understanding and Mila for checking in.
OK, I've got a bit of a perplexing situation. For the 15 months of the almost 18 months that H has been gone, I have paid everything associated with my house and property. H has paid C/S right along with no problems.
It was my choice to pay all the bills. There were times I have struggled a bit, but I've managed. I did this to prove to myself I could make it, and as a 180.
Last month during H's and my R talk brought on by me retaining a L, some truth darts were thrown by me. I did mention to him that at least he could admit that the vacations and such that he was taking with ow were because I was paying all that I was. It was not accusatory the way I worded it, but a MLCer could twist it if they wanted to, just like anything else.
Anyway, H paid all my utility bills last month. I nicely thanked him and told him I would pay him back. He told me no, that he would continue to pay them until I got them switched over into my name. I thanked him for his offer, but told him I would continue to pay them as I had been doing, after all it was my choice.
Today I get an email from H telling me that D18 asked him for $100 so she could go to a water park with her friends and do a little shopping at a nearby city. (D18 had asked me for it first and I told her that I was going to be a little tight because utilities and mortgage was due, and to ask her Dad.) In H's email he told me he could give D the money, but asked me if it was possible that I could give her $50 more so she could do a little clothes shopping with her friends. He said he would but that he had just paid all the bills and he was a little tapped out for this paycheck. He said the reason he asked by email is because he didn't want D to expect it if I couldn't do it.
So, he had paid my bills again! I told him thank you and since he had paid the bills I would give her the full $150 for her outing.
NO! he tells me. He knows that Spring Break is coming up for me, (I don't get paid) and to save it towards that. I told him that Spring Break was budgeted in already and that so were the utilities. Since he had paid them I was a little a head and would give D the money.
That's how I left it. Does anybody have any idea why the change of heart on his part? Is it possible that he thinks that if he's nice to me I won't go after my half in the D? I just don't get it! He didn't worry about it before. Anyway, I'm in the process of switching them all over to my name so they come to me instead. I was hoping to avoid it until the D was finished. Easier with the paper.
I did nicely inform him after he paid them in Feb. that I was still going to go for my half as I needed it to live on for the rest of my life. He still paid them.
Men's traditional role is that of provider. My guess is you've stepped on his ego. You've also shown you don't "need" him. That's scary.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Right, right and right. Yes, he wants to come off nice now that the D and SA is under way. Yes, you probably stepped on his ego. Yes, he has had to acknowledge that you didn't 'need' him to get along. Should you trust any of this as honest and caring? Not a chance. It's not as if he didn't know someone was paying the utility bills the last year and a half. The utility fairy??
IMO, change the bills over to your name pronto, and if he wants to contribute, he can do so by court order of a designated sum. Perhaps you can use this to your advantage to show that he can contribute to the household expenses when he chooses too. I know I sound like a hard-a$$, but be wary. If he discovers that this is not going to change your stance on the settlement in any way, you'll see Dr. Jekyll change into Hyde right before your eyes.
I assure you I don't trust him as far as I can throw him. There is an ulterior motive here. Just wondering if there were ideas as to what it could be, mainly because I'm curious. This is no way means anything as far as H changing his mind about the D, that I'm sure of.
I do believe SC and you are right in the opinion that I might have stepped on his ego. There is no way he would admit that he and ow have got to do the things they're doing because I financially helped 'pay' for it.
I've already told him that it was not going to change my stance on the settlement. He's been warned and this is his choice.
So, maybe he IS doing it in hopes that you won't take what you deserve...BUT, what he doesn't know is that YOU are on to what he is doing so what he's doing isn't going to work!!!
You don't need to explain anymore to him about why you are doing it or that you won't be changing your mind! Just do what you feel you need to do!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
I want to say this in addition to what I wrote above: If there is anyway possible for you and he to stay on friendly terms, and I mean that in the loosest of possible fashions, without punishing yourself or falling for a line that would punish yourself in the way of the settlement, take it.
That may not be possible right now, but you sound as if you have not given him a hard time in any way.
I say this from the standpoint that I am friends with my Ex. It has made life much easier that way, while raising the kids. Our D had nothing to do with an MLC, just young and dumb, and really not suited to each other, but there were hurt feelings, of course. My X now introduces me as his X, somewhat pridefully that he was ever married to me.
I hate to sound like the cynic I am all the time.
My point being, I may sound vicious and vengeful and hateful towards our spouses from time to time, but I am trying to be protective of myself and my friends on this Board. Sometimes, my emotions take a high-dive off the Board. HA-HA.
You are a much calmer and saner woman than I. Just keep the peace as much as you can without selling a piece of yourself in the dealing.
