My Story - He Cheated while I was Pregnant

[AJM80]

Meganna - you'll see, it should get easier and better. Some days are still hard, but just knowing that my H is going to be a better father because of the changes I've seen during DB'ing keeps me going. Whether we can work through things or not, I'm a lot closer to having a functioning family for them. And I take credit for my part in making their dad a better person, rather than shoving both of us down an angry, hateful path.

Just had a talk, as advised by DB coach. Asked for his input on this fall when lease is up, relocating to parent's area/cheaper place vs staying near H. Tired. sitting in car a few blocks away from home. His parents have watched us be a happy fam all weekend and I want them to know this talk was not about us getting back together before I go inside. So I dropped him off. Ready to head back now. Don't want to sit here and cry....a few tears, but I'm not really crying. Hopefully he is crying. He sees now the effect of short term feelings clouding what you really want in life. But other than a comment about staying together till the kids are 18, then divorcing, which I refused (not confrontationally - just made clear that in my life there is a middle ground between being single and alone and married for the kids (and effectively alone).

Probably more later. I drank a huge iced tea while we talked. . I think tonight will be hard. I have to think really hard about signing kids up for daycare or staring to pack/tie up loose ends in apr/may/june.

[AJM80]

H came over thurs, fri, sat, and sun, since his family was in town. He's coming over tonight too - since it is his regular night? He's really excited for his bday and my bday in the next week.

I've been checking in on here waaay too much today. I just don't know how to summarize our convo. I'm too sleep deprived from the kids, churned up over whether I should commit to going back to work/move in with parents/tell H to go F- himself (just kidding), etc.

He thought we were going to have a collaborative talk about the next 6 months or so. I said I would take what was best for the kids under consideration and would like to know his pros/cons, but that my intent was to make my own decision about what the kids and I would do going forward. He said ok, he could understand that. Asked how I was doing, that I seemed to be doing ok, but that he knew I'd enjoyed the time off from having inlaws around and did I need to be closer to my family and support network. I said I didn't come to talk about if I was doing ok, then said How are you doing? We both laughed and he understood, I think, that if he's not sharing his feelings with me, he's not welcome to sharing my feelings.

At one point he said he'd felt like getting a good insurance policy and being hit by a bus would be the best outcome for everyone, since he'd just be gone, we'd be provided for, and the kids and I could move on and do whatever. "But I'm not suicidal or anything." He still sees a therapist, but I may suggest tonight he considers an anti-depressant if he keeps feeling that way....I want him to feel the pain of what he did, but if he cannot handle it he needs to get more help. I teared up a little when he was saying that. But it helped me realize he is still lost and broken, not even close to someone I'd want to be with. he's got to get a sense of his own value, as well as ours.

I asked if he would cheat again, if he could go back. He said no. I asked if he would have moved out in Nov. He said he can't separate short term feelings and everything else from long term. I'm not sure if I understood him right, but I kind of think he was saying his feelings for OW were short term and (my words) stupid?

I don't know if he loves me for me, or just as a way to be with the kids. My gut says he's starting to see the value of our family, but hiding from what he chucked away when he had me. Maybe nothing will happen in the next week or two, but the pressure is definitely starting to pile up on both of us.

God help me to make good decisions, when there is no clear right or wrong. God help me to be strong, but not proud.

It's sad when a special on polygamouse marriages is on Discovery channel and it seems slightly appealing, lol

[sparks14]

Hey AJ. What is your ultimate timeline for making your decision? I say that, because it seems as though you may be looking to far into the future. Is the relocation in the Fall something that has to be knocked out right now? I know there are daycare waiting lists and a job hunt. Are these things that can be planned but not acted on if things were to start getting better?

I just think that the pressure of this decision is getting to both you and your H. I still think that patience prevails in your situation. Maybe it was just a slip, but H's comments of not being able to separate his short term for long term could have meant something. I know we are not to over analyze WAS comments, but for some reason I still see your H realizing what is important to him in life. Just a hunch on my part (and your gut).

Hope you are doing well tonight.

[AJM80]

Hi Sparks - My lease is up at the end of Aug. I have to decide about work and set up daycare in the next 2 weeks so that I can be ready to go back in a month. If I am moving, I will not go back to this job, then quit a few months later. That's a big part of it - that would burn bridges with people I have worked with for 9 years. I do not want to go back to work, I want to be a stay at home mom. However, I would consider moving out of state as effectively ending my marriage.

And, based on a few things I talked to the DB coach about, he seemed to think it was a good time for my H to really face us being gone, rather than just thinking this easy routine we are in would be indefinite.

So, I don't want to do this, but I think I have to....I think I have to go back to work part time, remind myself I am lucky to have a job, and miss some really special time with my kids. The alternatives are to leave and really make this hard on everyone (myself included, since I leave a lot of dear friends and independence to be closer to family); stay and take a (probably stupid) risk of being jobless/relying on a man who let me down to fully support 2 households in a very expensive area; stay and buy some time by sacrificing some of my time with the kids. Making him realize we could be gone, but not pressuring him/beating on him/etc seems to make sense.

[meganna]

AJ, I'm in a very similar sitch. I currently work part time as a nurse and I know a full time position will be posted in my department any day now. If we D I definitely need to work full time, and I'd rather stay with a job I know than go thru a D while also learning a whole new job. BUT my heart wants to be home with my kids as much as possible. I've only been at this 2 months, so I don't know if I should jump the gun and take the job or wait it out as long as possible, risking having to change departments. The other thing is, because of union rules, if I take a different position I have to stay in it for a year before I can bid on anything else. I feel like if I do take a full time job and will be stuck in it for a year, I will be done trying to save my M. I will resign myself to my new life as a single full time working mom. I just don't know what to do.

[OnMyWay]

What a thread AJM80! You are handling this all very well and have inspired me to do better in my sitch with regards to my WAW and D.

Someone on one of these posts introduced me to Dr. Robert Glover's book "No More Mr. Nice Guy." A lot of the info on 'Nice Guy Syndrome' applied to me and I suspect it might apply to your H also, based on your descriptions of him. Main thing is he's a liar - but is lying to himself more than anything else. One thing that tipped me off was how he seems to believe he can "help" OW stop stripping - classic NGS, always trying to solve other peoples problems.

As far as the OW, I can't imagine it will last much longer, if isn't not over already. I believe in my sitch, a lot of what my W does is based on some perceived notion that if she doesn't ride this out longer, then it will appear as if her decision to leave was wrong and that she made a mistake - but then again, that could just be my NGS working to justify something crazy in my mind. But, I do know she has a problem with being perceived as "wrong."

With regards to what you should do next with job, move, D, etc., I'll give you the same advise you gave me over on my thread: "you need to be very honest with yourself about what your goals are for you and for your relationship." Once you decide for sure, work towards that. The rest is irrelevant.

[AJM80]

OMW - you're killing me, quoting me back to myself.
I kind of think, contrary to common sense for women in a divorce situation, that I should quit and let him run with this (knowing I can always move home with my parents/have a safety net - his parents have even offered to help me in any way I need (like renting a truck and moving us back)- I've kept things good with them and they are well off and want to keep things positive for the kids). He's said he'll support us and I should stay home with the kids.

A friend of mine whoe blew up his 1st marriage with some serious cheating said it was ego that kept him from going back to his wife, that once he came back to his senses, pride and a sense that she was done kept him from doing what it would take to repair things. He suggested (without knowing about DB), that I wait it out and H would see the light and hopefully the love for the kids would be enough to help him over the pride issue.

It could be ego/pride, etc. It could also be not wanting to be wrong or fail in going back - you know? She has to be sure it's what she wants, or it's almost worse to go back and fail again? I think that's some of my H's issue. Plus you are right that he is a nice guy - the guilt of facing us kills him. He's got to work through some of his issues with not loving himself.

Meganna - you have a great job, as a nurse, right? Always in high demand? If I were you, I think I would wait on switching jobs, since you do not want to be full time right now and you don't want to lock into a year in a job without knowing what your situation is. Cut costs where you can (cable, cut back on cell phone, etc) and pick up some extra hours, maybe? It's hard not to jump on the full time position coming open, but I found that not making a lot of irreversible changes helped me. Think about what you need, start putting away some money in an emergency fund, but if you can wait (knowing if you have a really marketable skill set) it will give you time to be with the kids and be with yourself to figure this out without adding stress. I'm assuming you are in an area in MN where there's a strong job market for nursing and that you can rely on your H's job for medical benefits/etc (he's not off the deep end/going to quit his job and leave you all up a creek). I'm saying it as a mother...I would move in with my parents and eat PBJ before I worked 50 hours a week and missed another year of my kids lives. Job I went back to after D was born was like that - I felt like I had to go back since H was in grad school and not working. I'd be less freaked out about staying home if H didn't have these student loans hanging over my head...although you know, even those...I could cash out part of my retirement and not be bankrupt or anything if it went to worst case scenario in a D.

Worst, worst case - I am court ordered to live out here and don't get enough support to cover my bills and get half his school debt. That could get ugly.

[sparks14]

AJ - I totally understand. I would also stick with the advice of your DB coach. They would give you much better advice than I ever could. I think the idea of you really leaving would be a wake up call for your H. I just want to make sure the door is left a little open if he comes to his senses.

I hope you are doing okay today. I have been moving along but feeling like I am slipping this week. Not a good feeling.

[AJM80]

Seriously - I think there is something in the air this week. Keep pushing through...maybe it's just a test for us.

[AJM80]

H mentioned moving closer to the kids and I. Told his M and F he plans to break his lease when they were out here. Told me he needs to move somewhere cheaper and was considering up here, even though his commute would be longer.

I'm glad he cares about the kids and misses them. I wish he missed me - argh - I know he does, there's just more to adult vs parent relationships. He brought my bday gifts from the kids last week - got me a nice bag and a favorite food. He wasn't listening to me, though - the food was way off base and I'll sneak it to freezer for my nephew. The bag is nice, but not what I would have chosen - too brand oriented. I prefer simple/classic versus printed all over with the name. Do I return it or suck it up and use it to keep building a bond? Can I tactfully say you don't get my taste when I know he tried? The size/shape are great - and the sweetness was there.

What I've realized lately is that there are no winners in this situation (except maybe the kids). Even if you bust the divorce, you don't win. Sh-t still happened, someone you love still ripped you and your life apart, time, money, joy/fear/anger were all wasted for something that didn't have to happen. An affair never needs to happen. There's no excuse or justification for violating the person you love. But it does happen....all the time.....I guess the lesson my brain is absorbing on a deeper level is that life is hard, sh-t happens. People make mistakes, you forgive the people you love, and love gets you through it.

I really could use help on the purse thing. I don't want a big step backwards - H stayed 2 trains later and stayed up half the night looking at old pics and videos.