Sparks, thank you for the encouraging words. I'm so thankful to have found a community that will support me in my patience and tolerance in what I'm sure others find as weakness or pure insanity. They have no clue what a battle it is to NOT throw in the towel. H had said that he knew the "easy" way out was to just stay in the marriage and say nothing. He seems so clueless.
I just couldn't handle the anxiety. I finally broke down and texted him: "If you would feel comfortable, please update your latitude" Within an hour, he had done so and it does appear that he's staying with his parents. So this brings me some comfort, not only in that he is where he says he is, but that he was so compliant with the request (and fairly good with the time too).
If he just hadn't been so deceptive over the past few months, I feel like I would not be nearly as neurotic about all of this. I really do feel like my father prepped me for the weirdness that is a man becoming a father. It doesn't mean I understand it, I just know that it exists.
The thing that really hurts me in all of this is not so much the potential demise of my marriage. I love him dearly, and want nothing more than to go back to what we had before, but at the same time I know I will be fine. I'm well educated, independent, have a loving and supportive family and do pretty well as far as my career goes.
But the sadness from the potential that my sweet daughter will never know who her father was or should be just breaks my heart. Daddies do not know what pain they cause their daughters when they screw up. It is a very hard day in a daughter's life when she realizes how human her father is, and what poor choices he can make. The idea of knowing that from the beginning of her life makes me so sad for her. Especially when I know the man that he was and can be.
I feel like I'm putting a lot of pressure on her to be the savior. I really want her to be the savior of our marriage and of our family. That's a lot to ask from a little infant, but I can't help but think that she will be. And the only thing that H has said about her that he has said since the day he found out about her was, "she's going to change the world". While that would be nice, I just want her to change ours.
I'm just counting the days. Most pregnant women at this point in the game are pretty much ready to be done. I am too, but for different reasons. I really don't feel that big, and my pregnancy has been physically VERY easy. I'm just ready to be at the end of the tunnel. Seeing the light is not enough.
