It's Time To Rock; Part II

[♪CS♪]

Well guys, it ended up being a more eventful meeting than I was expecting. We did sit down and have a cup of coffee together. We sat there and had some casual chit chat for a while. We run into SIL who is pregnant, I mentioned recently that they just found out they are giving another girl. That was kind of awkward. But after SIL left, neither W or I said a thing about it.

So after some time of casual conversation that went well, I decided to end the meeting (or so I thought) saying I had to be getting off to work. Then….

She brings up the house. Asking what we need to do to get moving on selling it. Telling me how tight it is financially for her to be splitting the mortgage and paying rent for her apartment. I validated her concern. Things progressed from there. It turned to her decision to leave our M. I know I probably said too much. I told her the ball is in her court, saying I would still prefer to work on our M. She started getting emotional, she began a quiet cry. She complimented me on how well I have handled the situation. She told me how hard this was on her, I validated. I go on to probably saying too much. I told her the line of starting a new M together. I mentioned how much I have learned, how much work a M takes, and how much differently I would treat a new M with her. She said at one point “there are too many ghosts in the closet.” Whatever that means. I don’t think she believes I could ever actually forgive her for her A. I did mention how I take responsibility for my part in getting us to this situation. I asked if she could forgive me for my part. She said she has forgiven me. When talking about her feelings and her decision to leave, she said “nothing has changed.” Everything she told me I told her I understood. I validated everything she said, I do not think I tried to disagree with anything, but I do feel like I may have shown my cards a little too much.

She continued to mention that we need to move forward, she is also feeling like we are in limbo, the difference being she still sees the way out of limbo as D. She mentioned “closure.”

She was crying more by the end. She said how sorry she was for doing this. We walked to the car, I strapped our D in her seat. My W was in the driver seat, but then opened the door back up. I walked up to the door, and a couple more things were said. Then I probably made a huge error. I went in and kissed her on the cheek and the forehead. She saw me come in and she made sure to turn her head, making sure it was not a kiss on the lips. I held her for a second, and then said “take care W.” She was really crying at this point. And we parted ways.

This was the first time since the beginning we have had anything like this. She finally showed emotion. I was able to stay strong. I did not cry and I stayed with an empathetic tone in my voice. I know I probably did say too much, but I also took every opportunity to simply listen and validate.

In the end, she does still feel like her decision is final. She has made up her mind and is not coming back. But I also saw how hard this was on her. She has not yet found that great happiness she is looking for. Minds can change, but I know it will not happen anytime soon. I could see this pushing her to file soon now, so I will be prepared for it.

I need to pull way back after this. She needs some serious time to let all of this simmer. I saw in her eyes how torn up she is. It gives me some motivation, but it also hurts very badly. I hate to see her this way, and it also makes me realize how final this is to her. Overall, I guess I left very confused, sad and deflated.

[ninelives]

Sorry to hear the outcome Country. I KNOW EXACTLY how it feels when they say hint that maybe things are harder than they thought so you think, Maybe they are reaching out and thinking that they made a mistake.

Then You start running at the mouth and saying things you probably shouldnt say. Having just gone through something very similar, except my wife went further and bit hard when I mentioned recon.

I FULLY believe now that we cant bring up Recon at all. They know what we want. Its up to them to bring it up and then its up to US to decide if they are sincere.

Last July my wife brought up recon. totally and begged to come back, but when she did, She was not committed at all and was having an affair.

IM not chastising you Country but you did a lot of persuing at this meeting and I know how that can happen. But you have to expect a total pull back from her for some time now.

Everytime HOpe gets squashed, you will feel like that; deflaled etc... and that is natural because we want it so bad.

One of my collegues at work phrased it well.

YOu MUST let her go to make her mistakes and see where her path takes her. IF she comes back, its up to you to say, Yea or Nay but she will then have to hope that she will be lucky to have you back.

Like I said Country,

I FEEL YOUR PAIN

9

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Telling me how tight it is financially for her to be splitting the mortgage and paying rent for her apartment.

All standard script, my W said the same thing to me in mediation.
I responded : That's the consequences of you decisions.

I told her the ball is in her court, saying I would still prefer to work on our M.

Why do all LBSs think the ball is in the the WAW court?
Not true, just like you only brought 50% of the problems to the M the WAW is only 50% of this situation too.
YOU can decide too, what's best for you?

She complimented me on how well I have handled the situation. She told me how hard this was on her, I validated.

take note, like I said before, she does notice things even though she has a great poker face.

I mentioned how much I have learned, how much work a M takes, and how much differently I would treat a new M with her

.
A little R talk here and pursuing. Don't say this again, she knows how you feel.

She said at one point “there are too many ghosts in the closet.”

Just an excuse to justify her decision. There will be a lot more of this to come.
Be ready for it.

I asked if she could forgive me for my part. She said she has forgiven me. When talking about her feelings and her decision to leave, she said “nothing has changed.”

OK there, she said she forgave you. It took my W one year to get there to say that to me.

Then I probably made a huge error. I went in and kissed her on the cheek and the forehead. She saw me come in and she made sure to turn her head, making sure it was not a kiss on the lips.

Not probably, this WAS a huge mistake. Your chasing the cat that doesn't want to be held.

In the end, she does still feel like her decision is final.

See how thoughts lead to feeling that lead to action.

Ok, so from this convo it is clear she want action taken regarding the house.
What do you want?
How much effort on your part needs to be put into selling the house?
I would let her do the work in regards to the house.

Overall, I guess I left very confused, sad and deflated.

Why, we already talk about the possible outcomes.
99 times out of 100 this will be the result early on.
Chin up, the journey has just begun.

Great job keeping your composure. She will/has taken noticed your strength to handle difficult situations.
Women want to feel safe. Showing her strength was a good sign.

Yes, pull back, let her handle the effects of her own decisions.

[♪CS♪]

Thank you 9 and gr8 for your replies.

I need to find a way to pick myself back up. I thought I was doing well, most days I was able to stay really positive. The phone call from my brother earlier this week about his new girl really set me back. I NEED to get over it.

I guess it sounds like I did some things well today and definitely made mistakes as well. I guess I cannot expect perfection from myself, but I know I do set my standards high, and I do not expect myself to make the mistakes that I did.

I am at bit of a crossroads in this journey. My commitment is starting to slip some.

Why do all LBSs think the ball is in the the WAW court?
Not true, just like you only brought 50% of the problems to the M the WAW is only 50% of this situation too.
YOU can decide too, what's best for you?

I see what you’re saying, but it is hard not to think she has more control than I do right now. What is best for me? I still think saving my M is best for me. So I have made my choice, and I am trying to do the best I can with regard to that choice. But, in order for that to ever happen, she needs to make a difference choice than she is right now. I guess that is why I feel “the ball is in her court.”

Ok, so from this convo it is clear she want action taken regarding the house.
What do you want?
How much effort on your part needs to be put into selling the house?
I would let her do the work in regards to the house.

I agree and that is what I have been doing, and I will continue to do. She does need to take responsibility for this.

Great job keeping your composure. She will/has taken noticed your strength to handle difficult situations.
Women want to feel safe. Showing her strength was a good sign.

Yes, pull back, let her handle the effects of her own decisions.

Thanks. This is where it is hard not to want to just shake them. Yell “what are you thinking!!!????” But I know what I need to do, now it is just a matter of executing. I was there before, just need to find my way back.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

What is best for me? I still think saving my M is best for me.

WHY?

But, in order for that to ever happen, she needs to make a difference choice than she is right now. I guess that is why I feel “the ball is in her court.”

Her ball will always be in her court, just as yours will always be in your court.
We can't force people to make decisions.

I was there before, just need to find my way back.

Yes, and you will fall down again.
Rudy Rudy Rudy. And we will continue to get back up.

Your are slightly ahead yof her on the curve, now it's time to get way ahead of her and let her start thinking about losing you.

[JustStunned]

I read 9's post and wondered if I'd find the analogy. Glad I did.

So I’ve got to change from being the Evil Dark Controlling Lord of the Dungeon to the happy ministerial at the picnic. It’s a plan and one helluva 180. Where’s my Mandolin?

[iwllbd1]

Country
You've read my posts and know how similar I think our stories are. I had a talk like you did today at the beginning of february. My W was came over and wanted to have a R talk. It went mostly the way yours did, she asked about a joint filing, I said I wasn't interested bc it wasn't what I wanted. She said she would file by the end of the month on her own then. I still have yet to see this happen, thank god. The truth is she is just as confused as I am. She was trying to call my bluff, but I stood my ground and you should too. Don't help something along that you don't want. WAW have a tendency to bubble over like boiling water and then simmer back down. You need to remain steady. You know she is noticing your changes, hell she admitted it. She gave you a look at her hand. No more kissing. I did that myself a couple of times, BIG no-no!! Just makes us come off as weak. So regroup and keep on rolling.

[♪CS♪]

I just want to thank everyone again for chiming in. I fully believe I would not be getting through this the way I am without the support I receive here. I really appreciate it.

WHY?

I can't believe this simple question is so hard to answer. I can spout off about why I feel that way, but to logically justify it becomes harder. I will continue to think about it...

[sparks14]

CS - I see you having a very difficult convo with your W and handling it the best you could. There were some mistakes, but we all make mistakes.

Keep up the hard work, man. You are doing awesome. I know how hard it can be when you also have a child in the middle. That is a piece that keeps me strong, though. Keeps me focused.

[♪CS♪]

For my BDay, W got me frames that hold records. I put some albums in them and hung them up. I sent a pic to W showing her that I used them. She said she *loved* the choices of albums. Yesterday she said she saved the photo I sent.

Glad you found something you love W.